Child maintenance 50/50 query

[JayneB87]

Hi, I'm separating from my husband. He's moving out of family home and wants care of our 2 girls equally. I suspect this is to avoid paying me any maintenance. Do anyone understand the rules around this? I have always done all of the housework e.g. cleaning, washing, shopping and organised the children's schooling /childcare. I have also always had responsibility of managing finances. I work 11 hours a day and my husband works from home and therefore takes children to school and collects them from after school club. This is out of convenience rather than necessity. I could adapt my hours so that I could take them/ collect. He earns a lot more than I do but has told.me he won't be giving me anything.

If care is 50/50 honestly why is the onus not on the lower earning partner to increase their income themselves? If its not about the actual care of the child just about the expectation to have a high living standard in both homes?

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose why are you and lots of others on MN under the impression that people aren't already working to their maximum capabilities? Unfortunately life isn't black and white. In reality not everyone's skill set is to the same degree. Otherwise we all would be a manger wouldn't we? How would the world function then 🤔

We do 50/50. I get the child benefit ( he wouldn’t qualify) I pay for activities. He mainly pays for clothes, eating out , big ticket gifts type stuff. I do a lot of basics pants, socks, indoor shoes, school stuff, school lunches.

we both managed to get a suitable sized home post divorce which makes a big difference. Not terribly strict on the 50/50 it’s very child led. He does a lot of dinners and cooking and I have more overnights. It’s generally fairly amicable tbh

@Sandalholidays12 My experience was such that I set up a charity to help others in my situation. Sometimes 50/50 is used to continue abuse, especially around finances.

@Sandalholidays12 not sure what you mean? I'm meaning if parent is on 100k and the other on 25k they're not going to be able to have the same lifestyle. The higher earner shouldn't be expected to supplement the other to have matching lifestyles as long as the children's needs are met.

But what about women who have been SAHP to enable their DH to progress their career ? Should there not be some sort of financial assistance until the Mum is able to establish/ re establish their career ?

I don't know any women who have been SAHP to enable their DH to progress their career. Every current or past sahm i know either wanted to give up work to be with their kids or the family could not afford child care. The husband's career wasn't part of the calculation, except for whether he could afford to keep her at home.

Same @Honeychickpea although awaiting the "I was on £125k plus commish but gave it up to be a sahm for 21 years so now am entitled to spousal maintenance"

Well we clearly know different people ! I am older but some of my friends gave up work ( not always willingly) to allow their husbands to progress and it has happened recently in my own family with one of my DDs .

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose

Not sure what your issue is with spousal maintenance as all cases are different.
I was on £150K+. I moved countries to enable exH's career. And I did give it up as we wanted our kids to have a parent at home. Our jobs were similar and required travel and long hours. His career continued as it would have without kids.

Judge awarded me spousal and child maintenance. Not that long ago.

@JayneB87 - take a breath. You are just at the start of the process. Many men start of saying they want 50/50 - but it doesn't materialise.

Prepare. Take advice. Negotiate.

As the actual separation will take time and you'll be staying in the same house for a while - you can / need to start trying the 50/50 arrangement. You will need to make adjustments to your schedule and do your thing for a week. Then - flip to him and have him do it all. You - leave the house and do something for yourself. Let him sort out activities and uniform for the day, etc. Give him a taste of what it actually means.

If he manages - it'll give you peace of mind that it'll be OK. OR it is possible that he will realise that it actually means.

So long as it's a genuine 50:50 (7 days per fortnight with full 24-hr cycle responsibility, including that if child is off sick from school and it's his day then it's his problem etc etc then this is fair enough from a financial point of view. You may get a larger portion of the marital assets if you have a lower income capacity as you both need to be adequately housed (nb do not forget that pensions are part of the assets). If your income isn't enough to live on and your situation is due to decisions made in the marriage to make choices that made you dependent on your stbxH you may be awarded spousal maintenance but you can't bank on that.
However, the far bigger question is whether 50:50 is in the best interests of the children. Not all children thrive on a nomadic lifestyle between two houses neither of which quite seem like home.

I didnt get spousal maintenance but was awarded a bigger % of the house. I went part time at work in order to care for the child and when at work my family helped out. His career naturally progressed, which it would not if he had to reduce hours or help care for the baby so could work more. It’s only fair! He also wanted 50:50 took it all the way through court but he is useless and nasty so only has every other weekend, in the end he wouldn’t have been bothered and every other weekend is to much as his girlfriend looks after our child.

There is no reason on paper, as you set it out, that he wouldn't be given 50/50 (and tbh that would seem fair) and he wouldn't therefore pay you child maintenance. You split all child related costs 50/50. You MAY be awarded some spousal maintenance but this is rare nowadays and usually for a limited time to allow the lower earner time to sort themselves out with work or whatever. As you work already then that may not apply.
As he earns way more and if he has more earning potential than you, you may be awarded the greater amount of equity from the house sale or larger pension share. You need to see a solicitor.

I have always done all of the housework e.g. cleaning, washing, shopping and organised the children's schooling /childcare. I have also always had responsibility of managing finances.

Unpaid work isn't used to punish/compensate during divorce. Your ex will have to outsource or take on those tasks now that he's single.

Remember that 50/50 includes school holidays too so he needs to take into account the 13 weeks a year of school holidays, insets, illness etc He can't expect to pick up the kids at 5pm during a school holiday day - he is in charge from 8am that day (or whatever time you go yo work)

Unfortunately, based on your post, I think it's pretty likely he will get 50/50 and you won't get any maintenance. I say unfortunately as I'm guessing that within that 50/50 he will continue to not do any of the hard slog behind the scenes so your 50/50 time will need to be when all the other stuff is done - appointments, homework, playdates, activity planning etc.

You might be able to get more of the assets on the basis that you need more to maintain the children's standard of living. But I don't know, and I would definitely advise getting a solicitor.

I have my DD 4 nights and the ex 3 nights, which is pretty much 50/50. However, he pays £100 per month into a joint account (in fairness it could be a lower) amount. I am responsible for organising school uniform, dentist, trips, clothes etc and I use this money to pay for these things. Not all of it, but I take out 50% of the cost. This has worked well for us and is something to consider.

What rules do you envisage there being OP? If there is a 50/50 arrangement then you and he decide how that works best for the kids

Some families do 3nights with mum then 4 with day then 4 nights with mum and 3 with dad and repeat.

Some do a week at mums and week at dad's and repeat.

Some do sun-wed with mum and thur-sat with dad then balance out the extra days during holidays etc.

Thanks for your responses to this. My initial post didn't include any of the issues relating as to why we are separating. There are problems on his side with both alcohol and drugs. I would have done anything to avoid separation for the sake of my children but I just can't cope with it any longer. Lots of gaslighting and criticism. Just feel very scared about the future.

If he has those problems , is he really going to want ( or be able) to have 50/50 ?

Hi OP, with what you've said I hope that the best solution can be found for the kids safety more than anything. I'd take as much advice as possible on this. 50/50 is discussed a lot on MN but I also don't think it's always the right solution either. Take care.

I did 50/50 for 12 years. I bought school uniform / winter coat / shoes every year at the start of Autumn term and her DF gave me half the cost. When she needed other new clothes, one of us would take her shopping and the other would pay half the cost. Most of the time it worked out reasonably well. When she turned 12, she got an allowance to enable her to buy her own clothes that weren’t necessities. Basically this equates to the Family Allowance amount.
What was needed was for both of us to act with common sense. Rather than trying to get all her uniform washed before she returned to the other parent at the weekend, we would send dirty uniform back and the parent she was going to would wash it over the weekend. So she would arrive with some clean clothes and also some dirty washing. This suited us both.

Another who has also done 50/50 for many years, still do even though they are late teens (their preference). We split costs for everything they need.