Telling partner about previous abortion when younger and in abusive relationship, should I? Warning thread mentions abortion!

[Redleaves1]

I’ve been mulling over this recently due to all the Britney Spears news about her having an abortion when she was younger. It’s haunting me a little.

When I met my ex he told me he could not have children. He was 8 years older and I was early 20’s, inexperienced and trusting. I fell pregnant but did not go ahead with the pregnancy as I’d only been with him months. He lied about being infertile and he progressed after 12 years to being very abusive. I did later have my daughter.

On the day of the abortion he didn’t pick me up and left me to find my own way home. He returned home drunk, he went mad screaming at me I’d ruined his life and I was a murderer. He punched holes in the wall and smashed the light switch before passing out. I think this is when I became trauma bonded.

In court 12 years later over contact with daughter he kept sending me msgs saying I was a murderer. I’ve never told any of my family or current partner as I’m a bit ashamed of myself. I did the right thing at the time but having read about Britney havIng an abortion it’s brought it all back.

Would you tell a partner this?

No, it's no-one else's business

I had told significant people I've dated about my abortion (which was in a lot less traumatic circumstances than yours) and they have always been sympathetic. So yes - I would tell but it's a very personal decision.

@Redcliffe1 because of the circumstances I feel like it’s a dirty little secret, it’s awful.

OP you were in an abusive relationship, having an abortion was your choice alone

I do hope your present Partner treats you with the love and respect you deserve x

@Pumpkinpie1 It was my choice but I was in survival and didn’t really know what I was doing I panicked. He does treat me better but he doesn’t know much.

Personally, I would keep it to myself. It's not a dirty secret, you did what was best for you at the time x

your situation sounds so similar to mine. 7 years older than me and told me he was infertile and i believed him too (found out after my abortion he actually has about 4 kids elsewhere and this is a game to him). i’ve told serious partners and my husband now knows. it was a significant part of my life that took a toll on my mental health for a long time and it would feel weird for him to not know about it

@satellitesunshine yes it had a bad effect on my mental health and I developed ptsd. The procedure was bad enough but then his reaction was just too much. I have moments where I’m sad but he doesn’t really understand why because I don’t want to say how bad it was as I hate that part of my life.

Firstly I'm so sorry. Abusive relationships, trauma bonds, abortion, then having a child after an abortion (no one tells you how painful it is to have children after such an event. The guilt, the wondering)
You are a fighter. You are a strong women and you've been through some shit which you didn't deserve no matter how much your inner mind may tell you otherwise. So on behalf of him and on behalf of your own thoughts, im so so sorry.

If you can trust your partner, if he's mature enough, loving enough and understanding then yes tell him. Your story is a part of you but that doesn't mean it's who you are. You're the superwomen who made one of the hardest decisions in the world, you saw an evil person as someone who was misunderstood and needed help, that doesn't make you a bad person. He was just damn good at being evil. You did what was right for you at the time. You escaped that and you've moved onto a new chapter of your life. A better one. If you believe that this part of your past is going to cause certain issues(e.g PTSD or flashbacks, things that could present themselves within your relationship) or if you believe you need your partner to know in order to heal then you go for it, but never let anyone make you feel like a 'murderer' or a bad person. Never feel like you have to tell anyone. Never feel held back or like you need to apologise for a decision you made in a very painful time on your life.

You're not that person anymore. He will not win. Ok behalf of all women and men who have been abused and broken by these evil people, we stand by you. You're not alone and you deserve to feel whole again! Be happy, look forward. We're proud of you.

@Whatintheworldgirl thanks. Sometimes it’s hard to feel whole with all the memories. I’ll never trust another person wholeheartedly again.

Having someone be supportive at the time would've made a huge emotional difference. I expect having someone support you retrospectively now would give you a lot of validation.

I'd tell my new partner. If they're not supportive then they're not a keeper anyway.

I couldn't agree more. I like to make a joke of it and say I'm a realist and my partner is an optimist. He hates the fact I will never trust him but when you go through things like we have, it's a given. Maybe one day we will feel different but for now, you have to be true to yourself lovely.

I'm honestly so sorry you've gone through such pain.

Honestly, I would talk to a counsellor or therapist before you consider talking to your partner about it.

Often people say the wrong things or don't react as you expect or hope, so I think it's better to be clear in your mind and supported before you dive in with something you're still processing yourself.

You're not keeping secrets, your past experiences are your own, partners do not have the right to know everything.

I'm not saying never talk to him about it, or anything like that, but while you're processing, it's probably better to look to a professional to talk it over with first or as well.

I probably would tell him about the Abortion. It might come out later: me & my husband ended up having IVF and I had to tell the Consultant that I had been able to get pregnant in a previous relationship. I imagine my Husband would have been shocked had I never mentioned this fact up to now.

I have a one year old almost with my partner. I’ve just been feeling guilty even though it was over 16 years ago now.

I don't think you should feel guilty - really, I think unpick this with someone professional, (perhaps with someone from domestic abuse services or womens reproductive care services), before you go talking about it as some big awful secret or shame to him. Because people tend to take our lead from how we talk about things.

You are a survivor of abuse and you.did what you needed to do at the time. You've nothing to feel guilty about, and your partner isn't owed every detail of your life, it's not wrong not to have discussed it yet (or ever).

Stop feeling guilty. Past is past, if you want to tell him go ahead, I wouldn't.
Everyone has a past if you don't feel comfortable talking about it, don't talk. It is not a secret it is just some information that you are not ready to disclose. Everyone has something in their life that they are not particularly proud of.

I feel conflicted as it would have been a baby just like my one now who I adore. It’s wasn’t their fault and ultimately it was my choice. I understand it was the choice I did under very different circumstances. I wish I had made better choices sometimes. But hindsight is a wonderful thing. I guess I needed someone at the time to have talked to but I only had him. I internalised all the things he said and I became an empty shell. I want someone to go back and tell that person it’s ok. Telling my current partner now will not make it better. I guess I’m tired of always going through stuff and feeling things alone.

I wouldn't tell them because I'd thinking they had a right to know. I might tell them if they were generally supportive and kind and loving, and I felt like I would benefit from that support.

But that potential baby would have had an abusive man as a father and his abuse of you would likely have continued, maybe making you unable to be the sort of mother you are now to your child now. Even if you had left, he might have made both lives a misery as you wouldn't have been able to cut contact.

And there's no guarantee that pregnancy would have gone to term anyway.

You're not alone, lots of women have experienced similar, and things like Britney or having a baby can spark reflection. Just be compassionate towards yourself.

Don't tell.him, not because you did anything wrong but its not his business -.find some therapy if you can and forgive yourself

@category12 I did end up having his baby several years later. You are right it’s a living nightmare, he’s still an abusive wanker to our daughter and tries it with me.

I don’t think he has a right to know but sometimes I need a hug for my thoughts!

Oh sorry, missed that.

Virtual hugs from me 🫂