Never feeling settled in a relationship after loosing everything in an abusive marriage. I’ve lost that blissful safe feeling.

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I had a 12 year relationship and had a daughter with him. He was abusive and it ended badly, court etc.

Ive now got this feeling like I know how things can end and go wrong and how you can loose everything. I’ve been in a relationship for over three years and had a baby with him. He is kind and gentle but in the back of my mind I’m scared because everything can be taken in an instant.

I play with my baby and I remember feeling this with my first daughter, how I’d never leave her, how I’d protect her forever. But it didn’t happen. My ex was not allowed direct contact for years but he has now and he continues to be emotionally abusive to her. This safe environment I’ve created can just disappear if my partner ever decided to leave. I could end up sharing another baby. (Although he isn’t abusive).

I also managed to get on my feet financially before getting pregnant but now I’m having to rely on my partner as we have no child care.

I’ve lost that feeling that love will last forever as I know how it can all be taken away. Family members who’ve never experienced break ups are blissfully happy. I can’t shake this funny feeling. I feel I need to protect myself from something bad happening.

Does it make sense?

Nothing lasts forever. You have to be happy in the moment.

No but it must be nice to live in that blissful feeling, to have not experienced a break up where you loose everything and have to start again. I don’t think I could go through it again.

I could have written your post. I dont have any solutions for you, but you’re not alone. My partner is so, so confident in us, I am a mess of insecurity, never quite believing that I'm as loved and safe as he says I am. Its a constant knot of doubt in my stomach.
I try to remember that I got through the hideous divorce and all the unkindness and mind games from someone I once trusted with my life, and it hasnt killed me. But it has broken me.

Hi op, I didn't have an abusive relationship but I did have the rug pulled from under me by my ex husband who had an affair after two children, 13 years of marriage and many more years together.

I have been with my dp for 4 years now and we have just moved in together and although I am happy, I will never have that feeling you describe again of being blissfully ignorant of any potential 'dangers'.

I worked damn hard to stay on my feet after my divorce and buy my ex out of the family home, etc so a big part of me wants to stay fiercely independent and protect myself an my dc but at the same time I don't want to drive dp away or look like I don't love him , because I do. Just not in the same way I could love before.

@PointlessAddiction I don’t necessarily feel insecure that he will leave me e.g but it’s like I have very vivid memories of how it feels when it goes wrong. I now how hard it is to raise children alone and try and work and earn money. Then theres going through everything and who owns what. I’m very jealous of people in relationships who haven’t experienced this, they are blissfully unaware and it must feel nice.

Im worried about tying together finances and houses and also that I can’t work for the foreseeable, it scars me.

@Sunshineandflipflops I totally get this. I have a sister in law who is blissfully in love, 2 children etc but not married, I’m worried for her, she doesn’t see any issues and says they are soul mates and will be together forever, that must feel nice. I’m scared stiff to join finances again. I could never love again like her, my partner will never be my “hero”, “my everything”. I definitely feel I’ve lost trust..or perhaps it’s a good thing.

That feeling of lack of safety is probably an activated fight or flight and it might be a sign of PTSD. I’ve experienced similar. I think you really need to convince a part of yourself that is still badly affected by the trauma you experienced that you have the skills to handle shit if it comes up which clearly you do. I’m sorry for what you experienced.

These malevolent types exist and they cause damage in every direction but you are much better placed to deal with them than you ever were before.

@Biasquia it’s not that I’m worried about abuse again. It’s that if it goes wrong I know how hard it is and how emotional it is. I am scared to rely on him financially because he can leave and I would be screwed again. I’ve had to reply on him financially during my mat leave and he never bats an eyelid but I feel terrible. I was always told what a burden I was and then in the divorce he told me I earned nothing, never deserved anything. What happens if this happens again.

You see I think given your experiences it is actually really logical and rational for you to have that worry and to assess it.

I suspect where your assessment falls down is that your current partner is so removed from your ex that the likelihood of it happening again with him is basically zero.

You can get that sense of safety back, it is like a grief it takes significant time to process. Have you had any specific counselling?

He is kind and gentle but in the back of my mind I’m scared because everything can be taken in an instant.

That's true for everyone, op. As for other people being "blissfully happy", that is just a crock. No one has a fairytale, perfect life.

Sadly, you are letting your past experiences cloud your current relationship. You are creating problems where they don't exist.

Totally get it OP, not from an abusive relationship perspective but my first marriage ended quickly and abruptly out of the blue.
This has made me far more realistic, pragmatic and maybe a little bit detached from the idea of long term soul mate type love.

I don’t really see it as a bad thing you, being a realist is probably the best way to be. It’s not always looking on the bad side, it’s approaching life with a realistic level of expectation. Understanding that people are complex, things don’t always go to plan and that even with the best will and best intentions, we can be hurt or disappointed.

I really don’t think it’s a bad thing to see life pragmatically.

However if you are never able to relax that is a bit different. You need to be able to trust - but not the other person, you need to be able to trust yourself. Trust that you wouldn’t repeat the past, you’d leave when those first flags appeared, that you trust yourself to be able to handle someone breaking your heart again - intentionally or not.

if you can trust in your own strength and resilience then you really don’t have to trust in the universe or the other person to keep you safe.

Hope this make sense!

I haven’t been well since having my second child, I was pregnant with Covid at 5 months and the fatigue has just stayed. I guess I’m just worried that I’ll always feel like this, working I find hard alongside 2 children. I am not in the health position to work my way out of another break up. If I was I wouldn’t be feeling like this I don’t think.