Im so sad and dont know what to do for the best

[theoldrout01876]

I posted this in chat but maybe in here would be better

I am so sad. My 18 year old daughter started college this year its local and she is living at home. In June she asked me if her boyfriend could live here to go to college too. This is one of the nicest kids I have ever met, hes lovely but from a really messed up homelife, think addicted mother, taken into care then raised by a grandmother who didnt want to raise him, totally chaotic home etc. He found his father and was going to move in with him but he died of cancer within a year of them meeting. Kid never expected to actually live to 18. He is trying so hard to change thins he doesn't drink or do drugs in any form.
I was reluctant to allow this as hes from a different sate and if they broke up he would lose his home and school and basically his future if he had to move out of here. I was told they were friends enough that even if they broke up they could navigate this.
Well sunday they had a stupid fight, nothing serious, they have always been kind and respectful to each other and my daughter told him to leave. He packed up everything he owns and is now on a friends floor back in his home state. He wants to fix things, my daughter did too until a "friend" obviously had a word and now she doesnt.
I have to respect that this is my daughters home but I want the boyfriend to come back, he doesnt deserve to lose everything due to a stupid fight. She doesnt want him living here any more either. I dont care that there is no relationship, they were too young anyways in my opinion. He had his own room here, I have plenty space etc.
I have literally been crying for days cos my heart is broken for him. My older daughter is like tell her she signed up for this and will have to deal with it but I dont want her to think im picking him over her. I just dont now what to do.
I have a soft spot for teens, Ive had many of my older kids friends move in here over the years. I hate the thought of them being homeless and having no chance in life. I am just so sad

I'm sorry op, this sounds like a sad situation all round.

But you are not this boys mum. You owe your daughter the respect of not letting her ex partner move into her home.

If you want (and you can spare it) maybe you could send him some money as a one off gift and tell him you wish him the best for the future.

At least that way you are helping him without it meaning your daughters personal space gets invaded. She needs to be your priority.

She is a grown up and how would you like it if she moved your ex into your house just because she liked him and worried for him. It's the same thing. And it wouldn't be OK.

Thanks Pinkbonbon I am respecting her wishes and she has no idea how I feel but it is seriously doing a number on me. She will never know how I feel either but it doesnt stop me hurting about the situation.

And in future, say no to partners moving in.
In a way, you created this issue by allowing your teenager to move in her homeless boyfriend.
You might have thought it a kindness but ultimately it was a mistake. Teem relationships seldom last. Especially whilst living in eachothers space 24/7 home and school. That would be too much for most people.

As for it being a 'silly fight', well that's your opinion. It might not be silly to her. It might be representative of her realising she bit of more than she could xlchew by living with him. We should encourage people to walk away from things that do not work for them. Far too many women staying in miserable relationships out of perceived obligation. She isn't his mum and neither are you.

Could you offer advice to the kid? Advice and help seeking housing? Job etc maybe offer a deposit if thats possible. You sound a good person. Id be the same as you. Sounds like he has no one

I think you were wonderful to take him in in the first place. I agree with your older daughter, your younger daughter knew the score when she begged for him to move in, especially as they wouldn't even have to share a room. How would she like it if it was the other way around. I'd let him move back into a proper bedroom, rather than sleeping on a friend's floor, until he'd sorted somewhere else out. The poor lad has had a rough deal in life (I have experience of a similar kind of upbringing). It would be awful if this affected his whole future, I'd let him move back until he's sorted alternative accommodation, perhaps someone at college could help him?

Dawn 17 if he doesnt stay here then his entire future has gone. H e will not be able to do school as he would have to work full time to survive and that will probably have to be bac at the grandmothers house where id addicted aunts and an uncle now live. The uncle stole his skate board and sneakers to sell. His grandmother takes all of his money, no one else works in that house.
He was trying so hard to get out of the cycle. He is the only member of his extended family who actually graduated highschool, he took a lot of shit before he came here for not getting a real mans job and wanting to go to college like a 'girlyboy"
Its why its so hard

Yes its sad however he's not your responsibility but your dd is. Think you have to let this go. Think how awkward it would be for your dd if he lived with you still.

He can get a job and then rent a room somewhere. His life isn't over just because he had to drop a course. Maybe the mate he is with now will let him stay a while too.

It's sad but it's not the end of the world. If,like you say, he's determined to break the cycle,he will be fine. He's young and able bodied. I mean the guy moved state on his own! He has gumption.

People usually have to start over on occasion. Such is life. It seems for now at least he has a roof over his head and a friend at his side. It's a blow yes, but I'm sure he'll be fine.

As pp said, maybe you could help him find a new flat to settle in. Be a reference for that or any employers who may need one.

I find it a strange reaction that you would cry about this for 3 days. Its an overreaction and says as much about you than the situation. Tread carefully, you have a yearning to help teens in trouble ( maybe your own teenage life was stressful). It might seem like you can fix him, but you know him from a different side than your DD, and I'll bet that all he has gone through has left a mark on him emotionally, so he has probably not been the best behaved bf to your DD at times and this 'silly' argument may have been the straw that broke it.
Your DD should be your priority, in no way would it be appropriate to help him at a detriment to her.

You need to sit her down for a talk about this. Find out what her 'friend' has said in her ear.

You both made a decision to house him and it's unfair of her to renege on that when you had agreed it would continue even if they broke up.

It's unfair on her to break the agreement due to her 'friend' interfering.

They both want to make up and you also want it resolved, the 'friend' needs to butt out and let you do what you both want to do, i.e. resolve it.

Speak with her, in a nice way, not a harsh way, get it sorted out and get him back.

I agree with @ReadingSoManyThreads.

You can support this boy without having him live with you. Help him contact the college about accommodation, get a PT job, access grants for underprivileged students, college welfare etc. if he needs to transfer to a home state college they can help with that.

You invited him into your life and I agree that given his vulnerability you need to help keep him on his feet - not for ever but for a couple of months while he gets the support he needs from the college systems.

Don’t make a drama out of a crisis - it’s just a life blip. You weeping is self indulgent and won’t help him - do something practical.

You never should have allowed him to live with you, they are both far too young to be living together. Don’t push your daughter or make her feel bad. They are both just kids. You made the error of judgement, not her. Tell your older daughter to keep out of it.

So do I.

It would be a very different situation if she hadn't already agreed that their breaking up wouldn't mean that he had to leave.

I mean, I think you might need more information about the cause of the breakup. If he has been abusive or has cheated, then that's completely different, but if they just don't work as a couple, he shouldn't be chucked out of the home you both agreed to provide him.

Really don’t do this. They are teens. They are full of drama. Help him to find a stable home (student accommodation) of his own. This situation should never have started and will never work out.

Thank you for your feedback. It appears to be settled. He has announced he doesnt want to come back unless they are dating so Ive had to tell him that isnt happening. He has accepted that.
The crying for 3 days is not an over reaction I was totally invested in helping this kid like I promised I would. He was genuinely one of the nicest kids Ive ever met and was trying so hard to change his circumstances, my heart was breaking at the thought of him back where he left from. His life was a literal shit show and he was so excited about getting out of it. I have 4 of my own kids and he was like 1 of mine at this point. Ive also housed quite a few other teens, friends of my other kids, over the years. It breaks my heart at the upbringings some of them have had and the fact its not uncommon to throw them out the day they turn 18. I know legally they are adults but most of them are not even close to being ready for all that entails.
The fight was really over something stupid and just got out of hand, they both expected the other to cave apparently. My Dd has said he was a tad needy and she doesnt want him back as he was taking time from her studies and would complain at the amount of homework etc she had to do.
I have wished him the best and my daughter has said maybe by next semester when things have calmed down he would consider moving back. I dont think that will be happening as I think I am done rescuing teenagers, this has really effected me and my DH.

I think you are really kind to consider letting him stay, but it wouldn't be fair on your daughter. You can try to help him in other ways.