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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he jealous?

21 replies

maxn · 01/11/2023 21:56

I have an older brother. He earns far more than I do, but has always been one for spending more than he should.

He often reminds me I am far better off than he is, which is true, but says it in a hurtful way, telling me to spend money on the same items as he buys, as what he has is far better than mine.

I do buy pricey, high-end things, but because I want them. He seems to talk about having this or having that, so people will not think I am stingy.

Is this jealousy?

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 01/11/2023 22:12

Well, it’s all immature…?

category12 · 01/11/2023 22:15

I guess it's trying to push his lifestyle onto you so he doesn't have to feel like a dick for his spending habits, while you live sensibly within your means.

GreyCarpet · 01/11/2023 22:16

Yes, I'd say so.

He feels inadequate which is why it's important to him what people think about what he has and what he owns.

People who are secure in themselves aren't bothered. And why would anyone think someone was stingy because they didn't spend more than they needed or wanted to?

He is jealous that you have more money than him because of your different spending patterns. But he is also envious that you don't feel the need to impress others in the same way that he does. And I think that is probably more relevant.

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/11/2023 22:56

Do you live with him? If not, how does he know what you're buying?

maxn · 02/11/2023 08:32

No I dont.

He knows what I have, such as my car, TV, kitchen goods, hi-fi equipment etc. from when he visits.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 02/11/2023 08:34

It doesn’t sound like he’s particularly jealous if he earns more than you. It’s odd behaviour though.

maxn · 02/11/2023 12:08

A good example was when I decided to get a decent hi-fi set up.

He has been into hi-fi for years, and one good bit of advice he gave me was to visit a particular specialist/dealer, with decades of tip top reputation.

I did so and purchased a really, really good combination of separates, after taking the dealer's advice and spending time in the dealer's listening studio, testing kit out.

The gear I bought is highly rated by audiophiles, dealers and the hi-fi press.

Shortly after me purchasing and having the system set up professionally at home, my dealer informed me that he'd had my brother on the phone, asking about the products and that my brother sounded a bit envious.

Brother visited and listened to my system, saying what a stunning outfit I have.

My brother and his wife visited me again and listened to my gear, although by this time I had upgraded one of my components. Brother put on an act, in front of his wife, saying gear I have is 'alright, but nothing great'.

I do know, in recent times, he has tried several upgrades on his hi-fi and each time, telling me it is what I need to buy also.

Same with a used car he bought on finance. I buy new, upper-middle range cars, cash, after much thought and he buys used, executive cars on finance, telling me to buy one or I will appear stingy and my money will go on tax and wasted when I die if I don't spend it.

He then rubs the fact I am financially better off than him into the mix as well.

OP posts:
Lovemychair · 02/11/2023 12:11

Why on earth did the dealer tell you about your brother? It all sounds very infantile.

category12 · 02/11/2023 12:41

Sounds like he's competitive. Just don't rise to it.

PinkPantherPrat · 02/11/2023 12:45

He sounds superficial. Buy what you like, it's your money.

maxn · 02/11/2023 22:48

One other thing.

Often, when I explain or describe things I have done or found out/shared knowledge, he has a habit of interrupting by saying he knows better than I or that he can see it is blindingly obvious.

It is as if I could tell him I have been to Tenerife and he has already been to Elevenerife.

OP posts:
Cantrushart · 02/11/2023 23:22

You are financially better off than him, despite the fact that he earns far more than you? That would make me jealous too.

GreyCarpet · 03/11/2023 12:28

Why on earth did the dealer tell you about your brother?

Questions like this really irritate me on here.

It's like people can't conceive of conversations happening and posters are somehow required to give a dull and lengthy verbatim transcription of every conversation.

Maybe the poster and her brother are well known to the dealer; maybe she returned to pick something else up; maybe she was paying the shop shortly afterwards and piped in for a chat.

Buying stuff like this isn't like going into Curry's and buying stuff off the shelf where you're an anonymous face. Customers tend to become known to the dealer. I can quite imagine a conversation whereby the OP was saying she was happy with the set up and the dealer saying,"Yeah, your brother came in a couple of days later looking for something. We ere talking about your new set up and he sounded quite envious." Not to cause trouble but just because people chat banal shit at times.

I wish people on here had the imagination to realise stuff like that.

potatoheads · 03/11/2023 14:45

Cantrushart · 02/11/2023 23:22

You are financially better off than him, despite the fact that he earns far more than you? That would make me jealous too.

Yeah because the higher earning brother spends money stupidly

shardash · 03/11/2023 14:51

There's only one way to deal with someone as aggressively competitive as he is, and that is to completely ignore everything he says and not get caught up in anything. Never explain your reasons, never justify your expenditure, just come out with platitudes such as "I'm sure you're right" and "That's nice".

What are your and his relationships like with your parents - could there be a reason for his competitiveness?

maxn · 03/11/2023 20:43

Hello again.

Yes, as an earlier poster mentioned, at the pricey end, hi-fi gear, like many interests, is something where you tend to buld up a relationship with a trusted, reputable dealer, second-to-none reputation, such as the one I see, who has been in the profession for several decades. We have got to know each other well and I still, to this day seek advice from this dealer, trust him well and buy my accessories, such as LP inner sleeve covers, cleaning fluid, dust remover kits from him.

It was during one of these early visits, after purchase, I was advised my brother made contact again.

As it happens, when I first mentioned to my brother I was thinking of buying something, he correctly advised me to buy from this particular dealer and follow his advice, as he knows far more that him (my brother).......By far the best around our neck of the woods! Brother has bought from him, but not for about 30 years as he lives away.

Since, my brother has told me, almost preachingly, each time he has upgraded bits and pieces and said in a put down way that it is what I need to upgrade to. He tells me it is far better than what I have and I need to buy the same.

Recently, my brother emailed me to say he had seen a particular turntable on a well known auction site, on 'buy it now', which the seller was heavily underselling, was nuts to let it go at the price and that it is the best hi-fi kit ever made, putting my average kit in the shade, plus to buy it immediately or miss out. He said he'd told a colleague who is into hi-fi about it also.

I, in a panic, on the ceiling and feeling rushed, sought advice from my dealer and other members of an internet audiophile's forum. ALL, including my dealer, told me to avoid buying as the deck is not at all good and unreliable. My dealer knows the history of the manufacturer and the item well!

I told my brother this, plus the fact that my turntable is the same one my dealer has at his own house and is highly regarded, but he then put it down to opinion and knowing better than most!

Also, I ask myself why this other person my brother told never snapped the offer up. My brother did buy the deck, without research.

I feel mighty annoyed that my brother always 'knows best' and rubs it in that I have recently retired, although younger, always earning far less than him and he has had senior, better paid jobs.

Sorry if this sounds complicated.

OP posts:
category12 · 03/11/2023 20:59

Why give it so much headroom?

He's competitive/jealous/elevenerifing you for whatever reason of insecurity or ego or sibling rivalry - you don't need to engage with it.

maxn · 04/11/2023 15:50

Thank you for your advice.

I am now looking at it in a different way and finding a bit easier to cope with.

OP posts:
maxn · 04/11/2023 23:00

I told my GP the reason for my heightened anxiety. He says my brother's actions are driven by jealousy.

OP posts:
JIMMI85 · 05/11/2023 10:17

Sorry OP, but all sounds very immature to be.

siblings are by nature, competitive. What you’ve described is fairly normal albeit a little OTT.

he earns more than you, you have more disposable income, you both want nice things.

he may or may not be jealous of you, but really, is it a big deal?

rainbowstardrops · 05/11/2023 10:22

It all sounds incredibly petty. I'd assume you were both 15 year olds.

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