Cocaine use | Mumsnet

zarazara87 · 2023-11-01T21:47:42+00:00

Hi, I'm need a bit of advice. I have met this lovely guy. Found out he had a past with using cocaine. But I have my suspicions he's still using it. Please doesn't any one no signs of using it, I've never took a drug in my life I'm very naive. I want to confront him and ask him but I don't no wee to start 😔 really down about it

Notaboutthebass · 02/11/2023 07:59

Why do you have suspicions he's still using?

JennyMatrix · 02/11/2023 08:12

Does he have a runny nose?

Ladyj84 · 02/11/2023 08:14

I wouldn't go with someone who had used cocaine or drugs. My friend did and he had never stopped and it didn't take him long to drain her money. Luckily she left after a year

Ffsnotaconference · 02/11/2023 08:16

When you say ‘just started seeing him’, how long is that?

Because if it’s a few. Weeks, not sure why you would confront him. Just end it. You suspect he is still using, it’s a concern for you. You don’t feel comfortable that he is telling the truth. What outcome would you want?

If he says he isn’t, you won’t believe him. People who take drugs can be extremely convincing when denying it.

If he says he is and will stop, you will end up being hyper vigilant about it. You won’t trust him because he has misled you.

If he says he is and won’t stop, you won’t want to be with him anyway because you know his misled you.

You don’t believe the story he has told you. It’s not a great start. So if it’s very new, why continue it?

Ffsnotaconference · 02/11/2023 08:17

Sorry don’t know where I got the ‘just started seeing him from’ you said you have met a lovely guy.

So how long has it being because it doesn’t sound like long.

itsmyp4rty · 02/11/2023 08:18

I would just give this a big miss, you're likely to spend your whole life worrying about whether he is still using otherwise.

winowin · 02/11/2023 08:22

Signs are runny nose and sniffing.
Disappearing for long periods of time with lame excuses.
Always broke with the stupidest reasons.
Constant lies.

Trust me stay well away. Coke addicts add nothing to your life.

winowin · 02/11/2023 08:25

And they always start lovely to reel you in.
Once they think they have you they turn angry and abusive when they can't get their fix.
Cocaine is always a top priority.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 02/11/2023 08:29

Eyes always look different
lots of talking
sniffing, white powder around nose
gulping

if they were an ex coke addict I’d want to know exactly how long ago since they did, why they quit, what made them quit, how they did it - can they still drink alcohol and party without it?

I'm an ex coke taker - not touched any for 7+ yrs and never will again - but I’d be VERY cautious of ever going never anyone who recently claimed to have quit - it’s very hard to quit as generally your whole social circle also takes it!

Maddy70 · 02/11/2023 09:54

Occasional use doesn't bother me, addiction does and is a whole different ball game

Gloriously · 02/11/2023 10:04

It doesn’t sound like you are in anyway compatible from your core values.

You said that you have never / wouldn’t ever take drugs - so why even consider a relationship with someone who has or might be or could do?

It’s also odd that you don’t feel a direct conversation with your BF is possible? Why? Are you scared of him? Do you think he will lie or think less of you?

Any properly reformed addict would be open and welcome this conversation - anyone uncomfortable with it is not properly reformed - even if physically - they not mentally reformed so you need to walk away.

Original poster

zarazara87 · 02/11/2023 10:11

I've been dating him 4 months. He said he was addicted 4 years go. Then once had his son he got off it. But would do it socially. I told him I don't like drugs seen so many bad things happen. He said he wouldn't do it again. I have confronted him he had a runny nose I don't know my heads a bit all over the place. But at the same time I had a runny nose but he said it was a party drug. When we were together last night he fell asleep and said if he had taken drugs he wouldn't of been asleep.

He said he wants to gain my trust. I really like him I just don't no if I'm being a mug.

I do have my core values but we all have a past so I think it would be unfair and judgemental for me to write him off because of his past but then at the same time am I being a mug. Very down about the whole thing. I really like him he's sweet kind and caring. I just don't no

OP posts:

Allthecatsandcosyblankets · 02/11/2023 10:28

First things first - you can't go from being an addict to using it socially. He is still an addict and one who isn't in sobriety, he's an addict who uses cocaine.

Secondly OP I would cut your loses now, you will be in for a life of sneaking around, lying, manipulating, gaslighting and possibly abuse dating an addict in active addiction. Not worth it at all especially as you have no knowledge of drugs. This is not a lifestyle you want to be part off, trust me. Cut your loses. You are too early on in this relationship to be monitoring someone for drug use. Do you want a life time of this?

IronNeonClasp · 02/11/2023 10:30

In my experience I would end it. It’s already started the not trusting him. I’ve just come out of a 4.5 year relationship with one and he threw me under a bus in the end.

End it while you still have some control or you will be me in a few years having put up with continuous second guessing and gaslighting making it all in my head.

4 months compared to 4 years just get out while you can… Addicts are another ballgame.

Londonscallingme · 02/11/2023 10:31

I would date someone who used it occasionally but if he used to be an addict that’s a whole different ballgame. I’d probably call it a day I’m afraid.

Ffsnotaconference · 02/11/2023 11:56

zarazara87 · 02/11/2023 10:11

I've been dating him 4 months. He said he was addicted 4 years go. Then once had his son he got off it. But would do it socially. I told him I don't like drugs seen so many bad things happen. He said he wouldn't do it again. I have confronted him he had a runny nose I don't know my heads a bit all over the place. But at the same time I had a runny nose but he said it was a party drug. When we were together last night he fell asleep and said if he had taken drugs he wouldn't of been asleep.

He said he wants to gain my trust. I really like him I just don't no if I'm being a mug.

I do have my core values but we all have a past so I think it would be unfair and judgemental for me to write him off because of his past but then at the same time am I being a mug. Very down about the whole thing. I really like him he's sweet kind and caring. I just don't no

If he uses it socially he didn’t ‘get off it’. Nor did he give up because of his son. So he does admit he is still taking it?

I don’t understand why you think taking it socially isn’t taking drugs.

its been 16 weeks. It’s not even worth the hassle.

of course people who have taken drugs fall asleep. Depends when he took it and when’s it’s wearing off.

Gloriously · 02/11/2023 12:11

He said he wants to gain my trust.

I bet he does.

I bet he is trying to accelerate this relationship with love bombing and future faking.

Whats in it for him? Is he after a home? money? childcare?

When did he leave the mother of his child and why? What has been his relationship history since?

Would also reiterate that it’s not possible for an (ex) addict to do it socially.

He sounds desperate trying to tell you what he thinks you want to hear to meet his own needs.

Do you have your own DC or want DCs? If so they deserve better prospects than to have this character in their home.

Morethan4hourssleep · 02/11/2023 12:26

Run for the hills. I also met a kind and caring guy who told me he had once been addicted to cocaine but had been clean for a couple of years.
That 'kind and caring' guy turned out to be the biggest liar I have ever encountered and looking back now I can see just how addicted to coke he was all throughout our relationship, I was just too terrified of him to question him at the time. Yes, he also became a high level and extremely dangerous abuser.
He is now addicted to crack cocaine and I doubt he will ever be clean.

You're already having doubts, that's your gut instinct ringing the alarm bell. Please listen to it.

winowin · 02/11/2023 12:29

Oh gosh yes.
The constant talking shit.

LookingForPurpose · 02/11/2023 12:32

So he admits he's still using cocaine. But it's at parties etc? Occasionally??

I'm an ex cocaine addict. I haven't touched the stuff in 20 years or so and I'm pretty sure I never will again. But I promise you this, if somebody is actively taking cocaine, even socially 1-2 a month you will never ever be their priority. The coke will always come first.

category12 · 02/11/2023 12:49

zarazara87 · 02/11/2023 10:11

I've been dating him 4 months. He said he was addicted 4 years go. Then once had his son he got off it. But would do it socially. I told him I don't like drugs seen so many bad things happen. He said he wouldn't do it again. I have confronted him he had a runny nose I don't know my heads a bit all over the place. But at the same time I had a runny nose but he said it was a party drug. When we were together last night he fell asleep and said if he had taken drugs he wouldn't of been asleep.

He said he wants to gain my trust. I really like him I just don't no if I'm being a mug.

I do have my core values but we all have a past so I think it would be unfair and judgemental for me to write him off because of his past but then at the same time am I being a mug. Very down about the whole thing. I really like him he's sweet kind and caring. I just don't no

It isn't true that you can't sleep if you use. It depends on the amount and their tolerance/habituation to the drug.

An ex-addict who uses "socially" is not an ex-addict. They're deluding themselves or you or both.

TobyEsterhase · 02/11/2023 13:16

Think that if you are addicted to anything then you can't go back to consuming it socially

Weekenders · 02/11/2023 13:47

I know hundreds of people who've taken drugs over the years and several who still take them into their 40s. There are a huge range of experiences across them, and only a small minority would come close to the stereotype MN always reaches for.

I'm less spooked by drug taking than you/MN are, and would be more interested in the circumstances around his cocaine use than jumping to immediate conclusions. As I would with other problematic habits, legal or otherwise. That said, he doesn't sound like a good fit for you, so you don't have to make this your problem.

IronNeonClasp · 02/11/2023 16:07

Weekenders · 02/11/2023 13:47

I know hundreds of people who've taken drugs over the years and several who still take them into their 40s. There are a huge range of experiences across them, and only a small minority would come close to the stereotype MN always reaches for.

I'm less spooked by drug taking than you/MN are, and would be more interested in the circumstances around his cocaine use than jumping to immediate conclusions. As I would with other problematic habits, legal or otherwise. That said, he doesn't sound like a good fit for you, so you don't have to make this your problem.

I’m not stereotyping @Weekenders - you’ve known hundreds of drug takers over the years???

This post relates to PP where the gaslighting has already begun.
Addicts are addicts and there are plenty of MN’s who have dated them. Perhaps you haven’t….

Weekenders · 02/11/2023 19:21

Yes I've known people who've taken drugs in every phase of my life: school, uni, a couple of decades of work, sports teams, social life, volunteering, etc.

Most people I know who've taken drugs did so recreationally when younger then reduced or stopped as they got older. The same goes for problematic drinking. It's likely that there are people in your life whose past/present drug taking you are unaware of.

I have had relationships with people with problematic drink and drug use, but not to the extent that I'd be confident enough to extrapolate from those experiences to the relationship of a stranger on the internet who has sketched the outline of a situation.

People damaged by traumatic experiences with drugs/gambling/infidelity/whatever have important lived experience to share, but are naturally likely to have a jaundiced view.

Coming from our different perspectives we've reached the same view that the relationship probably isn't a good fit for the OP. From the info available I'm not sure we can do much more.