Unwanted attention

[MadeleineMummy]

There is a much younger man at work (who started a year ago) that I go to our work gym at lunchtime (for about 6 months) almost every day and push weights. We also have a Friday lunch club which used to be women only, but I have invited him a few times.

I have no interest in men. I have been single for a long time and have three children who are difficult enough to manage.

to cut a long story short, it was my birthday this weekend and this man just found out today, when I took in some cake, and a few work friends gave me presents. He went out and bought me a very expensive perfume from Diptyque at lunchtime (over £150 maybe). I don’t want to lead him on and am uncertain of his intentions, but I feel I cannot keep the present as he may construe that I am interested in him.

Am I being paranoid about his intentions?
Would it be churlish to give him back his present?

The few female friends I have at work have not been much help, they have advised a one night stand to raise my self-esteem. I have been thinking about it all evening and am stuck as to what I should do tomorrow. I may be just jumping to conclusions and he was being friendly as I think we are quite close work colleagues, but I am at an age (50’s) where I am invisible to most men and have not had any romantic interactions for over 20 years.

many advice?

*He went out and bought me a very expensive perfume from Diptyque at lunchtime (over £150 maybe). I don’t want to lead him on and am uncertain of his intentions, but I feel I cannot keep the present as he may construe that I am interested in him.

Am I being paranoid about his intentions?
Would it be churlish to give him back his present?*

Maybe he's just a big spender?

Does he earn quite a lot?

Is he extravagant/spends easily in other ways?

It would be a bit weird/rude to give it back, I think. Your other colleagues gave you presents so why would his have to be returned, he's a colleague.

If it's the cost, you could say "thanks for the present, it was very kind of you but I've realised how much it must have cost and it's way too much, I feel it's wrong to accept it, do you want to return it and get a token instead (or I don't mind if I don't get anything, I'm honestly not bothered about gifts)".

Or you could say nothing and just donate it to a good cause charity if you don't want to keep it/use it.

It's unlikely a much younger man is romantically interested in a 50s lady; has he said or done anything else to suggest he is?

Sounds more like he felt bad at not getting you anything, dashed out, didn't have a clue what to get you, and bought that in a rush/under pressure.

The few female friends I have at work have not been much help, they have advised a one night stand to raise my self-esteem

It's a big assumption to presume that a much younger man is romantically or sexually interested due to one gift that he probably rushed into buying, having felt bad at having nothing when other colleagues were giving you gifts.

Unless you're leaving out other indications of sexual or romantic interest from him (?)

Also, even if he were up for a ONS; you work together and go to the work gym at the same time etc.; talk about shitting on your own doorstep. Bad idea.

I'd probably assume he already had it as a gift for someone else and it never got used for whatever reason (eg: a break up) and he figured it might as well go to you seen as you'd been such a kind colleague to him, inviting him to things etc...

Unless there has been any sign that he fancies you?

I'd just say 'gosh I noticed how expensive this stuff is John, do they pay you more than they pay me at this job! How about you take it back and just treat the office to some cakes or something next time you go to tesco. Seriously, you're very kind but I wouldn't be appropriate for me to accept'

The words not appropriate, convey that you aren't interested.

As for your colleagues, what do they only of your self esteem. Just because you can't be arsed with men doesn't mean your self esteem is bad. Nor would a one night stand necessarily improve it anyway.

I wouldn't take the gift alone as a sign of sexual interest, but nor would I dismiss the possibility of it on the basis of your age. Its actually not uncommon at all for young men to be sexually interested in older women. Your women colleagues are better placed to advise you on that than people on here though, as they will have observed you together and may have noticed signs of interest if there were any.
As for the gift, I think I'd express to him you were surprised to recieve something so lovely. He may then say 'well, I see you as another mum' but may equally be prompted to say something different, and then you'll know.

There is no indication of romance and there has definitely not been any flirting. We have been quite close as colleagues but nothing more.

whatever his remuneration, I don’t even spend £150 on my own kid’s birthdays. I don’t think he is especially extravagant.

I know this man popped out and purchased the perfume especially for me. We were walking back from Lunch together on Friday and I popped into Diptyque as it was on the way and tried on a few perfumes but decided that I would never waste money on such fripperies, even though they smell lovely.

Well he obviously really likes you a lot OP because he clearly bought it because he wanted to treat you to a bit of frippery! Which, in the absence of any sexual motive, is a rather sweet sign he thinks a lot of you. Have you been particularly supportive? Coached or mentored him?

I also definitely don’t want to cause any issues at a place where I have built a long term career for a simple ONS.

We don’t work together but we talk everyday. I tell him about my family and he talks about all his OLD stories, his family and just general stuff people talk about.

He might just be a really nice person...perhaps with some codependent tendencies...

Or he could be into you.

Yeah would advise against anything in the workplace. Too messy.

Is he seeing you as a 'mum' figure?

Well, lets rule out a one night stand - that would be silly. Who are your friends? Are they on glue?

It's very unlikely to raise your self-esteem to have a one-night stand.

It would be daft as a brush to pick someone you work with for a one-night stand.

As for the present, I'd be uncomfortable with that level of spending. But as you accepted it at the time, I'm not sure how you can elegantly return it. I guess he was hurrying to buy you something he thought you'd like and maybe didn't realise how much it would be?

Anyhow, it doesn't mean you owe him anything and I would just be as normal and professional with him as before.

Maybe? I hope it is just that.

I think he probably just highly respects you op and thought you deserved a really nice treat, especially of he saw you put back something you liked at the store.

We have talked a lot and we share the same sense of humour, we laugh at the same things, share the same values and political leanings, have the same interests and even like the same films. But we are just work colleagues and I have never done anything to show any interest in him.

We were walking back from Lunch together on Friday and I popped into Diptyque as it was on the way and tried on a few perfumes but decided that I would never waste money on such fripperies, even though they smell lovely.

It sounds like he needed a quick, good idea for a present when he saw everyone else giving you theirs, he remembered you'd gone in (been interested enough to go in/it's your kind of place) but denied yourself a purchase cause it's extravagant, not because you didn't like any of them.
He perhaps thought; perfect! She likes those but is too careful with money/doesn't spoil herself, I'll get her one. I know she likes them. A lot of young men I know, if they earn any decent money, and don't have big outgoings (live at home etc) are quite extravagant with money.

You're close, get on well, go to the gym together, youve invited him and included him in stuff; he probably just wanted to do something really nice for you.

With zero other indicators of romantic or sexual interest, it sounds like it's something like that.

I wouldn't raise it, it would be awkward and embarrassing.

(You could say politely it was very kind but you feel like it's way too expensive, he shouldn't have. Is he sure he doesn't want to return it. See what he says).

But aside from that, I wouldn't make a deal of it.

It's very unlikely to raise your self-esteem to have a one-night stand

I agree.

Weird idea in general.

Crazy idea re your much younger work colleague.

What’s his relationship with his own mum like? How much younger is he, anyway? He could just value the kind attention of a maternal figure.

I would actually think nothing of it romantically, i would think he sees you as a very good friend and colleague who noticed you liked a particular perfumery and he thought kindly of it and got you a gift from there because in his eyes you deserve it. A busy Mom of three and a hard working colleague who has made time for him at work and welcomed him into the fold. I certainly wouldn’t give it back but if he chances on again with something at xmas or makes any suggestions for a drink on your own etc then i would be getting concerned. He sounds like a lovely lad and you are a good friend that he values. Enjoy being spoiled because it sounds like you don’t spoil yourself. Enjoy x

That is a gorgeous perfume, he’s picked that for you on purpose. It’s not even off the shelf like in boots or the perfume shop, he would have had to speak to an assistant etc.

He has an interest in you, for sure. I’m also older, not 50’s but mid forties, and plenty of younger men are interested so I’d not discount anything.

Sounds to me that he sees you as a friend. He noticed that you didn't want to buy the perfume yourself but he knew that it was something that you would actually like. In the absence of any other signs, I would just accept it with good grace. It's probably not that much to a single person.

My last two employers had written policies that co-workers could only "gift' another co-worker lunch money and that's it. No gift giving among colleagues. Perhaps you have the same luck?

I think him giving you that gift is super weird.

How much younger is he? It sounds like he sees you as a motherly figure.