Worried he’s secretly drinking

[HattieBrown]

My DH likes a drink. I have raised this in the past and told him enough is enough. Im now over our marriage and want to split up. This has been the situation for over 8 months. I think he feels we can work on it but there’s resentment there with money/kids over the years which I just can’t get over. He wont even contemplate it. He gets angry and says he doesn’t want it/apparently i need to give him a chance!

anyway, the issue is, hes openly drinking Thursday-Sunday but on other days (he drinks daily), hes hiding it. Either that or im going mad. I dont see him with a drink like last night, but then i could tell he had drank as you can see in their faces/eyes plus he is angry/no patience. I came down this morning and there is a carrier bag of 4 empties on the kitchen side. He had already left for work. I wonder if he was going to drop it into another bin on his way to work. Other times, ive found empty cans behind a bedroom plant, whiskey glass empty but no sign of the bottle of whiskey, bottle of half drunk wine by the side of sofa (he will stay up late watching tv despite drinking cans all day). Idk is this signs of alcoholism !? He says he doesn’t have a problem

It doesn't have to be alcoholism for you to leave him, though. It must be costing the family a fortune, for one thing. His mood will change, for another. His health will be massively affected, too. You're not unreasonable for wanting to change your life so that you are free of all that. It's a really bad example for the children, too.

I've been there and I recognise myself in you. Myself many years ago, that is.

Trust your gut. In any case, you don't want to be with him anymore.

Be free.

Yes it’s a sign of alcoholism. You cannot fix him. He will only stop when he wants to. He says he doesn’t have a problem as in his eyes he doesn’t have a problem. Drink is the priority and he would prefer to lie to his wife so he can drink.

I cannot see a benefit in confronting him. You cannot change his mind about the drink. Do you have somewhere to go?

Personally I wouldn’t say a word but see a solicitor and send him divorce papers. There’s no discussion needed.

Yes in all honesty hes had plenty of chances. Ive given him a lot of support with his drinking. Trying to help him cut down. Hes always poor. Will make a song and dance over paying out for his share of kids birthday gifts/kids clothes etc but then walks in the next with a box of beer

I thought as much. He’s adamant there is no problem. Adamant hes not drank Mon-Thurs sometimes but i know he has as ive seen it. im just done now

Hiding the amount he's drinking is a huge problem, because it means he is prepared to deceive you to drink. When that starts its game over as far as trust is concerned. Whether he's alcohol dependent or not is less important than what his desire for alcohol does to him, which is to remove his honesty and integrity.

It does feel deceiving but i also feel in a tizz as he is sure hes not drank. That makes me feel unsure if splitting is best or im making a mistake and need to try harder to help him iykwim for the kids sake. My head feels muddled. Does he have a problem or not. Is he drinking too much or normal. Does my head in

This man is likely to be always on a comedown from alcohol so tops up regularly. Practically all alcoholics deny they have a drink problem. He’s hiding alcohol and lying to his own self as well as you. He is likely also to be badly under estimating how much he is drinking. Denial is a powerful force.

Alcoholism is also called the family disease for good reason because you are all affected by this.

What he is doing is a problem because it affects you and in turn the kids too. Show them a better relationship example than the one they are seeing. Set yourself and they free from this type of life because you can only help your own self ultimately. What else can you realistically do here - nothing because the will to address his alcoholism and causes of has to come from him. He does not want to do that, he wants to keep drinking while you cook and carry the mental load. He does not want your help and or support and you are too close anyway to be of any use to him, not that he wants your help anyway.

you have a choice re this man, they your children do not. Seek legal advice re divorce and contact Al-anon as they are helpful to people affected by another persons drinking.

You can’t make him stop drinking only he can do that. Have a quick google into the impact of living with a parent whose and alcoholic. I suspect you will soon think that staying isn’t the best option for them.

Yes he clearly has an alcohol problem.

Would progress full separation and divorce asap to progress your life and for the DC

He may or may not address his problem. My friend’s ex didn’t, very sadly, but he was much better to her as an ex than when they were together!

The legal advice she received was that should it come to court the court would agree to an alcoholic having their young DC overnight. In the event her ex didn’t push for it and only saw the DC in the daytime, as he preferred to drink 😰

Part of me is, i want to move forward and (being honest) be single. Im not interested in finding anyone else, ive always been very independent. I often go to events just me and the kids because he doesn’t want to/i dont want him to come as he will drink too much and be an idiot. Not a lot will change for me there.

the other part is, perhaps i should stay until they leave school as hes got no patience with them. He just wants to sit drinking and watching what he wants on tv. Very selfish. Like if i go out for a night, ill come home and theyve all fell out with him/they will all still be up and barely fed. He will be asleep in bed. Really annoying. Its like theyre my responsibility not his 😕

he does nothing with them. I do literally everything. Clubs/school runs & dealing with school/play dates etc as i said, lots of resentment. I work full time, run the house inc cleaning and sorting kids. He doesnt help with any of it. Hes just there existing, drinking. He does work full time as well but when he gets home its all about him having a stressful day and needs to relax. If i raise it, he will say “just tell me what needs doing and ill do it” pisses me off. I dont sit down until 9pm.

I think staying in the marriage with an alcoholic is a huge mistake when there are children involved.

I think it normalises heavy drinking for them and often leads to the children having a terrible relationship with alcohol as adults.

Secret drinking is certainly a sign of alcoholism. Believe it or not he's hiding it from himself as much as anyone else.

You could give one thing a try - he goes to Al anon or CGL (another addiction help group), or you divorce.

The 3cs of alcoholism are you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

Be single; you and your DC will be far better off than to remain with the alcoholic husband/father respectively. You do practically everything for and with them as it is. He just sits around getting drunk at home after working full time. He is working full time, well for now at least till that wheel falls off which it could well do at some stage. Do not think that his employers are completely unaware. Your children will and do notice and they likely know far more than you realise. They see your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, to his drinking and take their cues from you both.

He will only go to AA if he wants to and currently at least there is NO indication whatsoever that he wants to address his alcoholism. Do not waste the next few years of your precious life hoping against hope that he will have some sort of epiphany.

His primary relationship is with drink, not you and its never been with you either.
I would strongly urge you not to remain in this marriage till the kids leave school. You have a choice re this man, they do not and staying for their supposed sake will do you and they no favours whatsoever. Be brave and make the break sooner rather than later. He "punishes" you for going out by leaving them unfed and basically not cared for; all he cares about is his own self and his thoughts centre on where the next drink is going to come from.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is no model to be showing them, for them to potentially emulate themselves in adulthood.

Yes, he is an alcoholic. You can't stop him so please stop trying. He will gaslight you and you will think you are going mad. All alcoholics do this. The only person who can stop the drinking is him. You can cry, scream, beg but it will only make him more determined and nastier. Drink is his first and only love. He would throw you under a bus if it meant another bottle of wine. I speak through experience. Alcoholics need to hit rock bottom before they can start to heal but even then the recovery rates are not great. Make plans to leave before he takes you down with him.

I think im done. I dont want to give it anymore trys. Hes not taking it seriously and turns it all back on me. He will say Im the one who has a problem with alcohol and people drinking. I really dont. I like a drink from time to time myself but dont tend to drink these days.

now to break the news, be a bitch and ruin his life (this will be his view of things)

Of course he says he doesn't have a problem, that's what alcoholics say.
But yes he is an alcoholic
As was my ex
Who since I left him for getting pissed with our baby in the morning, has gone on to lose his driving license and job due to drink
Yet, still claims he does not have a problem
You don't need his permission to end your marriage

My ex said the exact same thing to me word for word
It's like they have a text book

Leaving him aside I Don’t think you’re doing right by your DC with your current stance.