Relationship suddenly over - heartbroken

[LucyvanderPelt]

I don’t know what to do with myself.

My partner ended our relationship a few weeks ago out of the blue after telling me he had been “unhappy for months”. He has been v stressed about work but he had been making future plans with me and had never indicated he was unhappy. We had been trying to conceive for a year and it wasn’t happening, so we had been discussing trying IVF.

He already has a daughter and I think is still traumatised by his divorce from his daughter’s mother (which happened years before we met).

I just turned 41 and I so wanted to have a child with him. I think now the idea of having a child is over for me. I don’t want to use donor sperm - I wanted a baby in a secure relationship and I now can’t see me having time to meet someone else and be in the position of wanting to have a child with them… and that’s without even considering getting myself into a place mentally where I could even have another relationship.

I feel completely blindsided, devastated losing my partner and my dreams of starting a family.

What do I do and where do I go from here?

You’re heartbroken right now, OP, so it’s not a good time to make big decisions. But if you really want a child, don’t rule out trying for a baby alone. Men come and go ….
Sending you a hug and best wishes xx

Sending you lots of virtual hugs and warm wishes! As devastating as it is, what you have experienced isn’t uncommon when it comes to divorced men (I can’t comment on divorced women as I don’t have enough data) - either they haven’t worked through the trauma of their divorce or are simply running for the hills at the smallest obstacle or when things do get serious. A lot of my friends in their late 30s/40s have had the same experience with divorced men who ran for the hills when things became more serious or there were some issues to work through in the relationship, and in a lot of cases they were displaying avoidant personality traits which is why some of them unceremoniously ended their marriages.

My advice is don't wallow and make a plan b just in case. As much as it is horrible to say but it is done now and what matters is what happens next. Get some eggs frozen as a back up plan. If you want a relationship then you're not going to have one feeling negative, chin up and go back on the dating scene.

Thank you so much for all of your kind words. I’m trying to break out of it but I’m at the stage where I am going over and over things and trying to work out what I’ve done wrong for this to happen. I’m an overthinker and it’s like a torture - going over and over and over things.

@occhiazzurri that is very interesting information about divorced men. I definitely think there was a combination of him getting cold feet when things were getting serious and him just running off instead of actually working on things or actually telling me why he was unhappy! He never even told me and I was so blindsided I didn’t even think to ask. I almost vomited with shock. He certainly did a good job of hiding this unhappiness he was supposedly feeling.

I’m so sorry, this is tough…a relationship ending is hard enough, and you have to deal with an additional worry. I think the best you can do now is to take time to heal from the breakup and then reassess your options. Wishing you all the best 🌸