I'm confused and could really do with some impartial advice....

[SparkleTee]

Long story. My dp drinks. A lot. When he drinks vodka he likes to cause arguments....

Now I'm the sole worker in our family. My ds is at nursery part time. I work full time in a really quite stressful job. dp has arthuritus so struggles to work regularly. So in effect he is self employed and does a bit of work here and there when he can/ gets around to it... is costs us more money than now...

I'm digressing.... ds and I went up to Scotland for the weekend to see my parents, first trip up there in about 8 months (ds is only 20 months)

Had a lovely time, came home last night after a good drive and dp seemed pleased to see both of us. dp then proceeds to have a drink, in fact some beers then a good half bottle of vodka if not more...

now I put ds to bed. dp then compliments me on how good I am with ds... cool

then he changes the subject... and asks what time he went down for his nap on Saturday... answer is he wend down at 1.30pm as we were at my Sisters but he refused to settle....
dp pipes up 'well I told you to make sure you were at your Mums so he could sleep in a dark room in his travel cot as hes familiar with it!!!' Erm... ok... so I apologised but then I told dp it shouldnt have mattered as he was asleep by 3pm anyway, so no harm done...

dp... went mad... and after him going on about this and me apologising (the usual routine when hes had vodka) it escalated into a massive argument. When I get angry I throw things, so I picked up a ruler and threw it on the ground... so he picked up the phone and threw it at my head...........

It hurts.....

He insisted it hit the wall and it must have been the cover that hit my head....

He did apologise for the argument about 2 hours later.... but this morning was still insisting he didnt hit me.....

I'm confused... hes playing games... and I really dont know what to do or think...

I was 2 hours late for work this morning as he wanted me to forgive him before he would let me leave the house...

ds is at nursery... I have some money with me and our passports... I'm at work at my desk trying not to cry.....

am I over reacting????

please help :-( :-(

What do you mean he wouldnt let you leave? physically?

Not sure why you needed to apologise for your your child not napping

So sorry you going throught this.

How long have you been together? Does dp acknowlegde that he has a drink problem?
Is this an isloated incident or is your relationship always this volatile?

what TheBlonde says...

No you are not overreacting,
Sounds like some real issues here Sparkle and I think you know that too - otherwise you would not have mentioned the fact you have passports and money.
Am I right in thinking this is not the first time something like this has happened?Sadly there are a few people on here that have gone through/are going through similar so you might want to read their threads to see if you spot any similarities.
Are you saying you think you want out and need some help?
Call Womens Aid asap for some good advice - 0808 2000 247
If you do hugs - there are plenty here ((()))

No you aren't over reacting. He is being totally unreasonable to get upset about your DS not having a nap - how did it possibly affect him?

Doesn't matter whether he hit you with the phone or the phone bounced off the wall and hit you. He threw the phone and you got hit, end of story.

He sounds controlling and messed up.

No, you're not overreacting.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong, and frankly I think you need to tell your dp that unless he gets some help with his drinking, the relationship is over.

Can you throw him out if necessary? Do you own the house together?

If this type of thing happens again you can get an injunction against him to stop him assaulting or threatening you. It can also order him out of the house even if it's in joint names.

As a backup plan, I think you need to get a solicitor on board so that if he does it again, you're all set to go for an emergency injunction.

You are not over reacting he sounds like he has problem with alcohol and that unless he faces it and deals with it things may get worse.

You shouldn't have to feel the need to apologise for your child not napping or anything else that is not your fault or you have no control over.

One thing I will say is that you said you throw things yet you are condemning him for throwing things too. Yes this one hit you and that is not on but neither is you throwing things it is no better than him doing it.

You don't have to live like this though it is not fair on you or your ds but only you can really decide what the best course of action is.

Hes not hit me before. But he often gets drunk and causes arguments that end up in him standing over me and screaming at me (for want of a better word)

He says that he didnt mean for the control to hit the wall and deflect and hit my head......
But at the time he threw it in anger and it hit my head, not the wall... I'm NOT imagining it... my head still hurts... hes playing games with me.

Hes very persuasive... he bullied me into being late for work and saying I forgave him... He didnt physically stop me but he took my ds out of my arms as I was putting him into his car seat... I wasnt going to pull him back incase he got hurt...

Weve been together 4 1/2 years.

As for ds not napping, he looks after him two days a week and hes funny about his routine, which is fair enough. Its the drink that stopped him accepting my apology. But if it wasnt that it would have been something else....

dp admits he drinks too much but he wont ever stop, he thinks he can just cut down, which he doesnt.

I'm just confused. Have I over reacted. I cant decide if he meant to hit me or not. I think if he didnt he would have apologised at the time instead of lying....

Like I said I'm very very confused....

Yes you are right. I am just as bad as I threw the ruler first... out of frustration more than anything.... he reacted to that... I shouldnt have done it.....

btw I dont even drink, so its not like I didnt have a clear head initially.....

not sure what to think.......

What I don't get is why you had to appologise for how and when your DS had his nap at the weekend when DP wasn't even there anway?! What does it matter? His over-reaction tothat is what's worrying me, and the fact that you feel you had to apologise for this.

He needs to sort out his drinking, but I guess you know that already.

I don't mean to be rude, but alcoholics have a personality 'type' as well as just having alcohol consumption in common. He sounds like many alcoholics I know.

Sparkle setting aside the throwing things you still should not have to live like this. He is treating you badly and you don't have to put up with it.

Sparkletee

Re your comment:-

"Dp admits he drinks too much but he wont ever stop, he thinks he can just cut down, which he doesnt".

Well you now know where he stands. He is not going to change. He has told you as much.

Quite apart from having a drink problem he's also verbally abusive towards you as well. It has now turned physical. Such behaviour more often than not escalates and you will end up walking on eggshells around him if not more seriously hurt.

You think the children don't hear him shouting at you?. They likely hear his every word.

You can save your own self and that of your children from a further life of misery because your children will pick up on all this and learn from you both.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what are you both teaching them here?. Being a child of an alcoholic and verbally abusive parent is no picnic at all for the child let alone their Mum.

If you're both throwing things at each other your children will copy this behaviour.

Would also suggest you talk to both Womens Aid and Al-anon. You need a plan of escape.

agree with atila. Plan an exit strategy. A safe one as he sounds quite capable of more violent episodes. Do it for your child if you won't do it for yourself. Good luck xxx

Does he drink when he's looking after DS?

I was in a relationship with someone who was a heavy drinker. he managed to keep a job (driving!!) even though he was often still drunk when he left the house. He never hit me but he did get angry or (and this was sometimes worse) he wouls ramble on and on and on making little sense, repeating himself, refusing to accept my point of view.

We split up but had to still live in the same house. It was then that he became more aggressive. I came home one day to find several things smashed, all my belongings that he could possibly find shoved into the room I had moved into etc.

I had to live with him for 12 months like this and though he was angry and aggressive he still didn't scare me apart from once when he chased me up the stairs. Luckily he was so drunk that I was able to run faster.

My situation was not ideal but I knew I would eventually get away from him.

Do you love him?
Do you really think that he won't cut down?

If you love him then you need to give him some kind of ultimatum that you know you can stick to. If he has promised to cut down but then hasn't then you need to tell him 'iff you don't then this (Whatever you think it should be) will happen'...

He doesnt drink during the day, he waits till I get home from work, and take over the care of ds before he cracks open the first can of beer.

We have just talked on the phone. I'm going home tonight and have hammered it home that hes lucky that we are going home. Ive told him he needs help on the drink front. But I dont know how much I can force this

But I AM planning an exit strategy.

He has said sorry several times now and promised that it will never happen again. (I'm sure this fits the stereotype... its horrible typing this...) Hes under no illusion that if it does (and I'm talking the drunken pointless argument here, not just throwing of things) we're out the door quicker than he blinks. Ive walked out on a relationship in the past (an affair last time so I would do it again and he knows when it comes down to it I'm strong enough to do it...

We usually get on so well... I just dont understand why its all going wrong

Anyway to summarise... I think I was overreacting a little, there is no doubt that he hit me with the phone, but he protests that it was an accident and I am just as guilty as I threw the first object.... I'm going to talk to womens aid now and relate. But I think I'm going to struggle with AA..........

Thank you for your help today!! Ive calmed down a lot now and talked through it with dp and my best friend.... Fingers crossed this one is sortable, as I really dont want to take ds away from his Dad, because if you take the drinking away he is a wonderful Dad.......

Sparkletee

How do you know that he does not drink during the day?. I ask this as you are at work.

You can also tell him that he needs help on the drink front but it's likely he will not listen to you. You cannot force him to act. His previous comments to you have indicated that he is not going to give up drinking.

Him saying sorry and promising never to let it happen again (well at least till the next time he decides to kick off at you verbally and or physically) may just be empty words to keep you on side, doubting your own self, quiet and aquiescent. This is also how abusers operate.

It's not just his drinking either is it - its his shouting at you along with throwing things (yes I realise you threw something as well but there is never any justification for violence). Your son will pick up on all this if he is not already.

All the above does patently not make him a good Dad to your DS. What are you both teaching your son here?. What sort of role model will he be to your son?

You could talk to Al-anon as they are helpful with family members of problem drinkers.

You are making an exit strategy and this is wise - I just hope that you follow this through.

And if he is not working then where is the money for the drink coming from?. Who buys the alcohol?.

Never get into a situation where you facilitate another persons abuse. I uesd to buy my ex bottles of booze for christmas/birthdays etc. Then I realised his whole family were too. he didn't get anything but bottles of drink as gifts. I stopped. He didn't stop drinking but at least I wasn't the one keeping him drinking. When I left it was only then when my ex in-laws realised how bad the problem was as I kept it to myself.

Hi sparkletee, hope your and ds are o.k and things have settled down with dp. My father had a massive drinking problem when we were children, he never drank in front of us or during the day, held down a very responsible job, but even as children it affected every second of our lives.
Please phone Al-non or womens aid, get some advice from a 3rd party. I believe my mums life was saved by the help she recieved from these wonderful people.
It is not a safe enviroment for you or your ds to be in and as others have said he has to WANT to stop for himself, nothing you can say or do will make him stop.
Good Luck stay strong for your boy.x