Major anxiety while boyfriend is away

[Sausagedog22]

For context me and my bf have been together for 3 years now. He’s never been a big tester or caller but we almost broke up a couple months ago, and since then he’s usually called almost every day. He went on holiday yesterday morning in the early hours with his best friend and is away for 5 days. We spoke the night before and he said he would call me whilst he’s there and text me which reassured me a lot as little contact makes me worry. He arrived yesterday morning and didn’t text me when he landed which he said he would, so I text him and he text back to say they had got there and then he rang me very briefly to say they were there and to tell me a funny story from their plane journey. That was yesterday lunchtime and I’ve not heard from him since. I don’t expect continuous texting whilst he’s on holiday but I thought he might have messaged me good night or good morning? (Although that isn’t something we usually do anyway). Am I jumping the gun and overthinking this lack of contact? I’m aware I have bad separation anxiety

Are you getting any help/counselling for the anxiety? I'd not be impressed if I were him. It's not his job to assuage your anxiety endlessley; it's on you to try and get help yourself.

I haven’t told him I’m this anxious. I just don’t understand why he’s not been in contact at all since yesterday

Where has he gone on holiday to? Do you know the friend he has gone with?

If your relationship is usually good (perhaps you have other concerns with the break up?) there’s a balance when your partner is away and while on holiday their focus isn’t always you - they’re busy, out of routine, maybe sharing a room so lack of privacy to call.

My DP is away this week, I always hear from him at least once a day, text or phone call, but I know the timing will be sporadic depending what he’s up to, I’ll probably get a few photos. And if your partner is anything like mine once the initial buzz has worn off you’ll hear from them a little more often as they start to miss you! It’s ok to text him “good morning I hope you have a lovely day doing x, I’m off to do such and such, hopefully catch you at some point.”

I’d hate this if I was him.

On holiday I need to destress, switch off and relax and that means switching off from phone duties!

I would be really annoyed if I was on holiday and felt the constant pull of someone at home judging if I was in constant enough contact.

This is a you problem not a him problem.

In response to some of the messages, He’s gone to Amsterdam for 3 days and then Venice for 2 days and it’s him and his best mate who I’m also quite friendly with aswell as he is currently dating one of my friends. I haven’t told him he needs to call me or text me, all I said before he left was to just let me know that he’s safe every now and then and send me updates when he can which he hasn’t yet. I understand I have very bad anxiety and I have an anxious attachment style which I am trying to work on but I think because of us nearly breaking up a couple months ago I’m overthinking everything. Before he came to me and told me he was thinking of breaking up due to us not making enough time for each other at that point, he stopped contacting me a week before and became distant, which is why I think I’m panicking so much now because it reminds me of when that happened.

Seems liké maybe the relationship is coming to an end. But time will tell.

If you nearly broke up a couple of months ago it doesn't sound promising.

Yeah, once you hit the stage of big conversations and taking breaks and being anxious about normal things like holidays...it's not great and is likely to wind down painfully tbh.

Wow that’s worrying to hear but I appreciate your honesty. We have been in a really good place since then though and he’s been more affectionate than ever since then so I’m trying not to think of the worst case scenario

Oh dear no one goes to Amsterdam with the lads for the museums...

Sounds like it's not the best relationship if you're 3 years in and still this untrusting.

Hi OP,

Sorry you're struggling with this. I've had similar anxiety issues which can be overwhelming and makes me question whether I'm overreacting etc much like you.

Based on what you've shared, I would suggest getting what you need from from him, as in stability in your communication. If from what i understand that you don't live together, having regular check ins and "thinking of you texts " are much needed, particularly as that is something your boyfriend felt was missing too.
Don't wait to hear from him, initiate contact yourself, not just during the holiday but in your normal day to day routine.

Anxiety means lack of control, take some control over this.

On the other issue, on whether you're heading to another break, no one can say for sure. Don't see what's happened previously to cloud your judgement now.

Another thing to consider, as it's working for me is, to keep busy, don't let the quiet time become your worry times.

X

To be quite honest I think it’s probably your gut instinct telling you that something is off. Men who are in love don’t disappear/ not contact for any noticeable length of time. He’s probably not that interested any more and you’re clinging on and getting anxious. How old are you both?

I should also mention that we are going away on our own holiday in 2 weeks time which is getting me through this week as well

@Sausagedog22 I wouldn't show him that you're very bothered and concerned about him being away, this is the worst thing you can do, when you show clinginess, sometimes this looks like control, they don't like it, however I don't really agree that he shouldn't text you, this is what partners do, text each other, I'm sure you appreciate he's away, therefore you won't expect constant messages, however communication is the key to a healthy relationship. Hope you find peace.

Are you in therapy or counselling, OP?

You sound exhausting OP. A partner like you would ruin my holiday and I would dump you and found someone who can get busy with their own life/friends. You are burdening your boyfriend with managing your anxiety and insecurities, it's very unattractive

🤦‍♀️😆 the museums

When me and DP are apart we don't tend to contact each other much at all. Maybe a text when we first get to the hotel, and then one when we're leaving to head home. We almost never call each other, leaves more to talk about when we get back.

But that's what works for us. You need to work out what works for you and then communicate that. Given what you asked from him, he probably thinks he's fulfilled the brief with his text and call so far. If you need more than that, then you need to ask him. And equally, that may not suit him in which case he needs to tell you.

It sounds like he's made an effort to up his game to keep contact at levels you're happy with, but at the end of the day he's on holiday at the mo, maybe cut him some slack?

You either trust him or you don't
He could text 20 times a day and still be getting up to no good in a bar.

I think if H went away for a lad's break the would only text me to find out what the kids were up to.

It's quite healthy to just have no interest in what your partner is up to for 5 days.

Is he the type to pick up chicks in a bar? Some men find that exhausting and seedy.

Have you tried texting
"Are you two still in one piece? Just checking in case I need to contact the police" or something along those lines.