Sad about lack of intimacy

[SadMumzilla]

We've been married 10y, together 11, have one DC (3). We've been through a lot together - financial challenges, living in 3 different countries, battle with infertility...

We're financially stable with good jobs now, we have a child which we adore, nice house, we put down roots and on paper everything should be fine... but it is not.

During our battle with infertility (and depression) I put on a lot of weight (went from size 6-8 to size 18). In the last year and a half I lost a lot of that weight and am now down to size 12 (and working to get back to who I was before those awful years). He admitted he is more attracted to me now... but that's where it ends. We have sex maybe 1x month and it is usually at my initiative. He is passionate when we actually engage and will always comment 'why don't we do this more often' but then will do nothing about it until I initiate.

I tried talking to him about it - I appreciate we may have different libidos and different needs for physical connection - he always says he misses it too, makes a little bit more of an effort for 2-3 days and then it all slips back to same old nothing for a month.

This is now starting to affect me way more than before. I feel demotivated to make an effort, lonely and completely unattractive. But I also don't want to talk to him about it yet again because then I feel he's only making an effort because I'm asking for it, not because he really wants me and I don't want pity sex. Does anyone have an advice how to deal with this? Do I just give up sex (I am 41)? Do I try to talk to him again (this will be probably 4th or 5th conversation this year on the topic)? If not - how do I stop being sad about it and feeling invisible?

That sounds really difficult - would it be possible to speak to a counsellor or doctor about it together?

It does sound like the lack of intimacy is making you really upset

@SadMumzilla I could have written this post. I am in a similar situation. Years of infertility struggles and almost non existent sex. Quite frustrated as I have high libido.
Were the fertility struggles due to him by any chance? Maybe this could have affected his manhood.
lile you we have discussed many times, he admits we should try harder, and then back to usual. I am even contemplating leaving him or sleep with someone else to cover my needs. Horrible I know, but I donsteuggle a lot as I have high libido.
I do not feel unattractive or has hirt my self esteem. I reall don’t think it hs anything to do with appearance. It’s just that the libido is not there.

@PinkPantherPrat , I guess that's the only thing remaining. I just hate the idea of having to raise the issue again, makes me feel like I'm begging for attention.

@Rania78 , sorry to hear you're in the same boat. I really am at my wits end - and for me it does affect how I view myself (which I know is wrong and my own problem). I remember how we were in the first years of marriage (and dating) and compare it to where we've been these last few years and it is such a sharp decline. Our infertility was on my side but he did take some professional hits in those years which affected his confidence. That's why I hoped that once he's in a job he loves and is successful in things would go back to where they were, but they just never did. I don't know if he genuinely doesn't want/need sex more often so it never even crosses his mind or there's something else going on there. The thing is... when it does happen, it's complete fireworks for both of us. If it was bad sex - I'd understand and I probably wouldn't crave more myself.

Do you ever spend time cuddling on the sofa together?

But I also don't want to talk to him about it yet again because then I feel he's only making an effort because I'm asking for it, not because he really wants me and I don't want pity sex

But you haven't told him how you feel, now. You told him how you felt before. Tell him things are changing for you. What will happen if it all stays the same? Tell him that. If you're not willing to talk to him about it, tell him simply that: 'I'm uncomfortable with how things are sexually, I talked to you before, it made little difference, and now I feel xyz. If it carries on, abc will happen. I'm not going to keep on saying it.' If his response is unsatisfactory, then he knows the consequences because you've told him.

Put him in the picture of where you're at. Otherwise, you're not offering him intimacy, either.

Personally I would focus on making you feel good for YOU. It's amazing how much weight you have lost keep going at it at the gym, get your hair done, nails, tan whatever makes YOU feel sexy in yourself. Your confidence should change how he is towards you. I go through stages with my partner where I'm feeling like you are now and I realise I've let myself go so I start making myself feel better it creates a healthy bit of like "who is she doing this for 👀" if there's still no changes then I would sit and have a serious talk of if this is what you want for the rest of your life. You're in your prime don't be settling if it's making you unhappy.

Awful advice..

Your confidence should change how he is towards you

Your confidence is not something to be gained in order to change how other people feel about you.

I agree but it's amazing how much it changes how you feel about yourself

I feel like my previous suggestion may have been misunderstood 😕 when you have been together a long time and through so much intimacy can change and sometimes it needs something to put a spark back. I just suggested what has worked for me personally. Whenever me or my friend have been feeling down over similar things as soon as we start working on ourselves physically and mentally our confidence grows so much. I have had conversations with my partner about his lack of interest in initiating sex a few times but it's like you said I then feel like it's forced because I've said something. If you don't feel like what I've suggested has been helpful or something you feel would work then. I would send him a message explaining how you feel and ask him if something is wrong and why he feels his libido is low he might feel like it's easier to open up if it's not face to face.

@PinkPantherPrat , all the time - he is very loving in every other way. He hugs me, kisses me, cuddles me while we watch tv or in bed before we fall asleep - it just never seems to progress from there unless I take the initiative.

@Watchkeys , I had that exact same conversation with him several times over the last few years. Every time I explain how it makes me feel, and how having to raise it makes me feel - it gets better for a short while and then we just slip right back into this state of very affectionate roommates. He claims he loves me, he claims he finds me attractive, when we do have sex - it's amazing for both of us... he just never initiates.

@Turningamumagain , I think I understand what you mean - make an effort for yourself and focus on feeling good for yourself, and his attention will come as an unintended consequence? That may be part of the issue, I guess - I do feel like in those years when I was taking hormones, suffering miscarriages and massively expanded in weight - somehow took away my sense of self (physically). I know on a rational level I lost a lot of weight and I keep making steps forward to get myself to the body I was comfortable in, but, in all honesty, most days - I look at myself in the mirror and think 'what's the point'. And that, indeed, is MY problem - not his and I know I shouldn't allow myself to tie my own feeling of sexy/attractive to how I think he sees me.

I'm glad you understand that what I was trying to say and it didn't come across offensive. When I have the talks with my partner I sometimes feel like he's thinking oh here we go again and the talk doesn't exactly make them feel in the mood. It's not our right as women to make ourselves look good to make our partner want to have sex with us but also I feel
Like we just expect them to want it all the time and that isn't always the case. I know when my partner has been to the gym or gone for his hair cut it makes me more sexually attracted to him and that works both ways. Has he had his testosterone checked that can sometimes be the issue too. I have felt like you're feeling so many times so I can empathise with you. But it sounds like he does love you and it's something that can be worked on x

If he knows how you feel, and fails to amend his actions, then what he's doing is more important to him than you feeling good. That's absolutely his prerogative, but it's your prerogative to decide whether to be with someone who knowingly fails to give you what you want/need. It's not up to him to please you; it's up you to find someone who pleases you, or at least to ensure that you're pleased. You need to decide whether the lack is a dealbreaker for you, and then break the deal or settle, accordingly.

OP, the fact that its good when you do have sex (and in your words it's fireworks) is a plus, so its not as though he's struggling with low libido. I wonder if he's just being lazy? A lot of men ( not all obviously) are lazy about stuff in general and if he's that type maybe he's in a bit of a rut?

I would have a chat and tell him that you want more intimacy and that you still fancy him, simple as that. See if you can plan to have sex once a week to start with and go from there. If he resists, or comes up with excuses maybe consider couples counselling for advice and support.