How to be strong and walk away

[Exhausted1910]

I told my DP a few weeks ago that I want to split up as I've been unhappy for quite a long time (bar some better spells in between) and he is being incredibly nice and making an effort. The reason I want to leave is that we don't communicate well at all, he has anger issues which result in road rage, punching walls etc, I feel he doesn't appreciate me and I just don't want to live my life this way. I love him but I know the relationship is toxic and I don't see how he is ever going to change long term. He's asked for another chance for a few months and if I still feel the same then at least we tried everything. But part of me thinks that he will be nice as pie for the next few months then eventually we will be back in the same toxic cycle. How can I be strong? Or should I give him another chance? I just don't want to look back in a year or 2 and be so unhappy again. It's taken me so much to finally tell him I seriously wanted to leave and I'm worried if I give him more time of us both trying that I'll lose my resolve and not leave even if I'm still miserable. But I love him and he's making it really hard to stick to my guns. Thanks for any advice.

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Trust your instincts. You already realise he will 'play nice' until he thinks it's blown over.

But you also realise this is just an act from him, and the mask will eventually slip again.

Do you really want to be with someone who has to work so hard to control their rage just to stop you leaving? This is who he is. This constant cycle will be your life for as long as you stay.

And if he doesn't have to work 'so hard' to not punch walls, then why is he doing it? To intimidate you, which is even worse.

Thank you. I think I just need some reassurance (as you've given) that he's not going to change and this is not just normal relationship issues!

Yeah I’d leave and not look back he’s already overstepped boundaries with aggressive behaviours you can’t really come back from that tbh, it’s behaviour that won’t change as he’s always been this way.
I think you’ll be much happier without him, bet it’s like walking on eggshells until the next time he kicks off.

Think about it this way if your resolve starts to weaken.

If, by some miracle, he managed to permanently change and never display violent rage again, how would you feel?

At some point you'd feel resentment and confusion as to why he made the relationship so toxic for so long up to this point. When apparently he was perfectly capable of behaving differently. So he chose to make you miserable, to walk on eggshells.

Those of us who have been through this know they don't change, but it's understandable that you wonder 'what if'. What I'm saying is if you follow the thought process right to the end, it sounds like it's got so bad that even if he did change miraculously and permanently, the damage has been done and the hurt from how he treated you would remain, because the fact he could change would prove he was capable of being a decent partner all along, he's just chosen not to.

Either way, the relationship is over.

It doesn't get better from my experience, it only escalates unless he's willing to go to anger management. His behaviour is abusive and toxic.

Honestly, my life is calmer since I split with my ex with no walking on egg shells looking for his next time to blow. It could be weeks or even months but they always default to the same pattern.

@Fkalfkfcnmoo59600789 yeah it definitely is like waiting for the next thing to cause him to get angry.

@Sparklfairy thank you that's a really helpful way to look at it and I think you're right. That's part of my problem of if he did actually change would it make up for all the shit before that, probably not. I think I'd spend my life expecting it to eventually go back to that.

@QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat thanks for sharing. I think you're right and I'm glad to hear your life is calmer for it. He's definitely controlling and it feels suffocating.

I am feeling overwhelming anxiety about it at the moment and I think it's because I know I'm going against my instincts by giving him yet another chance. Its very hard to put aside how I'm feeling to give it another try, I think I'm just exhausted and done.

Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour.

Do not go against your instinct here by giving him yet another chance. How many chances have you already given him?. Say to yourself no more, you are worth more than this.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Was your dad or mum like this person is?

I would also think you are confused by mixing up love with codependency. It’s going to take time, perhaps years even, for you to recover from his abuses of you and that process has not even started yet. You need the Freedom Programme .

This shit doesn't get better. You definitely need to leave!

In my experience, it doesn't matter if he changes or not. You will never be able to believe the change is genuine and will always be hypervigilant for when the mask falls.

Thanks all, helps to hear from people who have been through it and that I won't regret trusting my instincts to leave. It's been years in a cycle of unhappiness so it's not like we haven't given it a chance.

As others have said, this man is not capable of sustained change, it's just an act and the odds are you will be just as miserable in 5 years time as you are now. If you walk away you are giving yourself the best chance to be happy.

Road rage and punching walls etc correlates strongly with domestic abuse - he doesn't need more chances, he needs to be gone. It tends to get worse the more committed you get, not better.

Please stay strong and split up with him.
I stayed with an aggressive man for far too long.
You only get one life, OP.

Thanks all. Finding it really hard to trust myself after all of the crap and manipulation but I really think this is the end of it - I know I deserve better.