Affair what next

[fantasticoplastico]

I've found out my husband is having an affair. I haven't confronted him yet as I'm trying to get everything in order and get my head around it. Any advice on helping children get through it?

Also when I do confront him talk me through the stages of what he's going to say. (Everything he's done has been textbook so I'd imagine his response will be too).

For information there's absolutely no going back from this.

I'm so sorry this is happening. Do you have children? I'd say take photos of everything you may need, bank statements etc. speak to a lawyer but most of all be kind to yourself. I've been there, it's shit. I blamed myself so being too everything but it was never about me, just his stupid ego. Prick.
Good luck

Thank you. Luckily at the moment I'm just blaming him. I asked him a couple of months outright if he was having an affair and he denied it and we've been having marriage counselling. To be fair even the counsellor looked dubious when I talked about it just being a rumour and I trusted him. Probably a mumsnetter.

Im sorry, I hope you are ok. I wouldn’t tell him you know. I would see a lawyer and get all your ducks in a row. Once you have everything in place and have left let him know it’s over. That way the kids don’t have to witness all the carry on. It doesn’t matter what he says. He can try to justify it all he likes. Hopefully the door hits him on the way out.

Sorry but expect him to get nasty (sooner or later). Make sure you've done as much as you can to protect yourself financially, beforehand.

Sorry you're going through this... x

I can't believe he'd get nasty but then I can believe he has done this anyway. How can he be so thick?

I’m so sorry, it’s a devastating thing to discover especially with your attempts to put yourself through marriage counselling and his gas lighting.

sti checks are standard. I’m so sorry to say that but they are.

Then straight to a solicitor to know exactly where you stand. Knowledge is power. He’ll be in a guilt, shame spiral now so strike while the iron is hot.

I advocate speaking to children with age appropriate honesty at all times. I know that some mn posters like to sugar coat things but children are far more savvy than they let on and can start to blame themselves when the stories mum and dad are telling them don’t add up, this is where damage can be done unwittingly. So age appropriate summing up with zero blame, I get that is difficult. Obviously you go with how you feel you should handle it but this is my belief.

Get yourself a copy of leave s cheater gain a life, great book that really unraveled affair psychology for me and just how much it’s driven my weaknesses in the cheat.

Then photocopy all paperwork… or keep relevant bits.

Again I’m so sorry it’s a terrible thing to be going through.

Thank you. I've requested a lawyers appointment asap. I agree one hundred per cent about age appropriate honesty especially as they will see them together at some point and I hate any kind of secrets.

I support him financially so I have no idea what he is thinking. But I have to keep reminding myself that's no my problem.

Yep lawyer up. Set it out that the goal is to co-parent well centering the kids but it's over. Repeat. Focus the conversation on child arrangements and how to move forward so he can't try and negotiate "facts" and lie to you about how he'll change.

Don't back down.

I'm happy to hear you are financially ok OP so many women I see on here aren't.

Simply put he’s not thinking, he’s entirely driven by ego, self and validation. Be prepared for the almost inevitable realisation that he’s lost everything for a mirage, a fantasy and then you’ll get the begging and pleading, tears and tantrums or the nasty angry blaming everyone but himself man coming out.

It’s so utterly and depressingly predictable.

Im glad you’re on the same page re age appropriate honesty. I’ve had people shout me down on mn before but bottom line is we shouldn’t model lying to our children and showing emotion (within reason) is healthy.

Your kids and you don’t deserve this, what a loser!

My tip would be - in the beginning he will want to make everything right. Use that to get a good temporary financial arrangement that he’d find it hard to justify changing down the line.

A great source of ongoing support is surviving infidelity. Their just found out, general and separation and divorce forums are really good sources of support and information. It really helped me process the weight of pain and hurt I was under.

How do you even start deciding how to determine custody. They are tween age but there's no way he'll go for 50/50. What's a fair start?

What do you mean when you say he won't go for 50-50? Will he want more? Is he a stay at home dad?

I feel for you so much. It's so horrible to find out you can't trust the person you loved.

I know you don't think he will get nasty, but if he is involved with someone else then there will be two of them working out what he can get out of this. That's when it gets nasty.

I couldn't believe my XH would get nasty either. He pulled some awful stuff out of the bag towards both the children and me.

Same thing happened with my bestie's ex too.

Prepare yourself for him to get nasty. If he doesn't, it's a bonus.

I'm sorry you're going through this. 💐

OP, sorry you’re going through this, it really sucks. In terms of custody, a common arrangement is every other weekend plus one day mid-week. If you’ve been supporting him financially, be prepared for the possibility of having to pay spousal maintenance for a few years. Is there any reason why you had to support him though?

He'll want less. No he works but doesnt earn much.

Out of choice

Don't try and second guess what he'll want as people do some very odd things when they realise what they are losing.

Write down what 'you' would like and what you think is best for the dc. Try and be objective and fair, but not to the detriment of you and your dc, always remember that what is agreed in during a divorce can shape how financially secure you and your dc will be in the future. Think houses, pensions, potential uni costs etc.

I was in such a hurry to divorce my ex I forgot about this and ended up doing the lions share of parenting whilst being at a financial disadvantage. Luckily I was able to work my pension, mortgage etc back up, but I do think if I'd have been in less of a hurry, the money I'm now putting into my pension could have been better spent on the dc. I'm coming up to uni time and it's going to be a stretch to say the least

Sorry you are going through this op. I remember it well.
I couldn't keep it a secret when I found out. He was at work at the time (with his OW), so while he was out, I packed him a bag, took the dc to my parents house and when he got home and walked through the door, I told him I knew and that his bag was packed. I also told him that we would be telling the dc together the following day.

That next day was easily the worst of my life and I don't think there is any way to lessen the pain for children when their parents separate, but we sat them down together and told them that we loved them more than anything and that will never change, but we are not making each other happy anymore and will be separating.

Not a lie as such, as clearly I wasn't making him happy and his affair wasn't making me happy. At 10 and 11, they didn't need to know the ins and out of their dad's affair and rightly or wrongly, I wanted them to have a good relationship with him going forward.

I did say to him that if they ever ask me when they are older then I won't lie to them, but at now 15 and 17 they haven't asked and we have done everything we can to make things easier for them. I hated him to start with and could barely look at him but I dug really fucking deep and pretended we were friends, until, 6 years later I guess we are.

Despite his twattish behaviour, he has been reasonable with finances and I was able to buy him out of the family home. Guilt I guess but I don't care.

Anyway, these first few weeks and months are crap. They just are. But it will get easier, I promise. Lean on your friends and family and get yourself some counselling if you can to help you process things with an impartial party. Those things really helped me. Find a good solicitor too.

Good luck op x

Such good tips thanks everyone. I feel so much clearer about this. I'll update when I've confronted him at the weekend.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, OP. You've been given some good advice. I second the recommendation of 'Leave a cheater, gain a life' by Chumplady. It really helped me when I was going through it.

Speaking to a lawyer next week as it's the earliest appointment I can get.

@fantasticoplastico

Our kids were the same age.

We chose not to drag the kids into it all at the start. They don’t need yo know about the affair atm.

Once you tell him you want a divorce - it’ll be hard and emotional. It’ll take a while to sort out details of who lives where and with who.
These are the details that help kids imagine their lives after divorce. And the uncertainty is scary.

So - if you can - try to not pull the kids into drama and make them more upset.
It’ll be hard for them as is.

They have to know as we live somewhere they will hear from other people if not from us and I'm not going to let them go through that