Impending trip abroad

[saviours1]

Hi.
My DH is due to fly abroad for a ‘lads’ holiday next week for 3 nights (but getting back late on the 4th day so it’s like another day) and I’m absolutely mentally beside myself.
For some context, we have had an awful year. I nearly died after our 2nd child was born (we have 2, a 3 YO and our baby) and have them been plagued by decline in MH and finally being diagnosed with ADHD (we have no support around us). Baby was also diagnosed with CMPA and reflux after months of screaming every day for hours.

I’ve felt massively unable to cope with 2 children vs the ADHD - trying to plan everything for the house and keep it clean/tidy, the extra noise and mess plus all of the worries about baby and the fact they wouldn’t sleep in the day for months. We’ve had no money due to SMP either so things have been limited and we’ve had to use credit cards more than we’d have liked. DH doesn’t contribute to plans (meals etc) or do any cleaning without being asked. If he’s asked to do something, he wastes so much time trying to dispute what’s being asked, rather than just do (e.g. why do I need to clean that, it was cleaned x amount of days ago).

DH has always been awful at drinking, made worse when his friends are around. Refusing (by that I mean ignoring me) to come home earlier to help when I was heavily pregnant and couldn’t walk, pushing me, swearing and making offensive comments about my family, rolling around car parks, being sick outdoors in public, saying he’s going out for a few then disappearing for hours. He doesn’t think it’s an issue because he’s not an alcoholic and he doesn’t drink all the time but can’t see it’s not great to not be able to control your intake and just get so drunk.

We recently had a chat where he swore he wanted to change his attitude to drink and told me he would cancel this trip (it’s not for any particular reason). He’s avoided any further discussion around it until I’ve brought it up again. Now he’s become angry, raised voice and sworn at me multiple times, turned it that I’m just trying to control his life, he isn’t going to meet his friends for coffee or any other social interaction- basically all he knows how to do is see them and get out of his mind drunk. It reminds me of the day I couldn’t walk and at the thought of not being able to go out that day, he hit a wall, stomped round the house and bellowed which made our eldest cry (still went out anyway).
He’s also berated me because he’s had to pay more money for ‘my’ bills due to me being on SMP.

He is also currently on the sick from work for ‘stress’ of work vs home and me being so overwhelmed with MH / ADHD, that I have been having nigh on panics at being left alone with the children, feeling like I can’t cope and having huge surges in how my ADHD presents; and would still be on the sick when going abroad. He’s told work part of the problem is needing to be a support for me so I’m not left with the children whilst I await medication and all the stress the situation is causing him.
He’s told me we need to have a toned down Christmas this year due to lack of money, but is saying he will borrow money from his dad to fund his alcohol money for the trip.

He’s adamant he’s not cancelling it and he wouldn’t be able to tell them a reason why if he did, so he isn’t.

Please be gentle with me, I’ve had an awful year and just really don’t know how I’m going to manage this trip, not someone just not wanting their DH to go and have some fun!

Forgot to add (I’m a good waffler) - baby is currently weaning but absolutely refusing to eat anything, has chronic constipation and is on a low step of the milk ladder which are all added stressors I’m extremely panicked about.

You need to leave him.
This is not going to get any better.

He has decided his drinking buddies are more important than his family. He is in fact a useless pig.

I would tell him not to bother coming back.

You may think you can’t do this alone, But in fact, you are already doing it alone.

By the time you have asked him several times and then explained why he should clean something, you could have just done it yourself without the stress.

You could do better than him OP

I am sorry but this is not what a good husband or father does

This is the behaviour of someone on and 18 to 30 club holiday

Family life comes with challenges and you are supposed to work as a team. He is not a team player

I am sorry you are experiencing this. Unless he seriously steps up as a father and a husband I can’t see how this will make for a healthy, long term relationship
Look after yourself

He’s still going on today - about how poor him turns down so many things with his friends but making out he’s doing it because I wouldn’t like it and want to stop him, rather than the fact you can’t just go on unlimited drinking nights out.
As I say, I’ve suggested he does a social activity with them, meets them for coffee etc, goes out in the daytime, but all these are apparently unacceptable and I’m being restrictive to his life.
I asked him again this morning what his intention was for the trip and he responded that it looks like he can’t go because of me. I said it’s not about that to which he then responded, okay, I’ll go then. Only 2 of the group of friends have children and they both only have 1 each, with family support around them.
I’ve had this for so long with him, butting heads over his inability to see that life doesn’t carry on as you want when you have children. He’s told me his been reading here (AIBU) without an account and there’d be so many people who’d support him going.

The man is horrendous. Honestly, its not even worth trying to argue or reason with someone like that. He is a selfish areshole and you need rid of him. Lets see how he gets on with money when he's living alone, paying his own bills AND paying child maintenance. As someone else commented, you are already doing it alone. If you leave him you are just getting rid of one of your biggest problems.

The day he’s due to fly back is my first day back at work so I’ve that to worry about plus getting the 2 children to nursery, our baby for the first time. I berate myself as these should be ‘normal’ things, but my brain just doesn’t let it be so.
I wouldn’t know where to start with leaving him. That’s not to say I haven’t considered it, but no idea how I’d manage and I’m so much less confident than I was in the past.

You need to work out a plan how to leave him. He's awful!! Rather than supporting you, he's deliberately trying to trigger you. This will only get worse the longer you stay as your confidence disappears and your mental health gets worse.

You would be better off without him.
I would tell his dad exactly what's been going on.

@HundredMilesAnHour That resonated with me (about deliberately trying to trigger me). I’ve spent a lot of time sending him things relating to how ADHD presents in me and explaining all of the worries I have in my head, how I feel and how I work.
It’s like he just doesn’t want to listen and repeatedly does things that make it worse or tells me I shouldn’t react a certain way or things should be ‘basic’ rather than how difficult I make them; how difficult it is for him to live with me.

I definitely have problems much bigger than just this trip I think, it’s just a pressing issue at the moment.

Punching a wall near you is one step away from punching you.

It's intimidation disguised as frustration. It's designed to intimidate women into silence.
He's an abusive man and you need to get away.

And he is an alcoholic. You don't have to drink everyday to be an alcoholic. He chooses it over his family and he drinks to excess. He's an alcoholic. And he doesn't care.

You need to leave him.
Do you have family that can help support you?

I'd let him take the trip. Drop his stuff round his dad's and change the locks when he's out.

Obviously might not be thar simple if his name is on the lease but, you get the idea - He needs to get gone and stay gone.

He.means.you.harm.

Stop telling him your 'weaknesses' (that's how he views them) as he I'd usung them against you.

You are not his partner - you are his victim.

He is not a nice person (understatement of the centuary). The bare minimum a partner should be is nice.

Look, if you stay this shit will just continue. Ad infinitum. Rinse, lather, repeat. Except it'll probably get worse.

Save yourself. Leave. You'll save yourself so much worry, heartache, desperation, despair. Not to mention the effect all this misery will have on your poor children.

How?

• focus on yourself (and your job - which is your ticket to your future!), not him
• read Divorce for Dummies or similar
• check out Wikivorce
• check your Universal Credit entitlement
• gather all your financial documentation
• see an experienced family solicitor

Many women have done this. You can too. 💐

@saviours1 yes, I'm really sad for you but it sounds like his behaviour is a series of very deliberate attempts to trigger you and make your mental health worse. Which is nasty and malicious, verging on evil to be frank. Having children can also be a trigger to make ADHD harder to cope with and now you have this horrible man trying to make it worse for you.

I would try to use the time while he's away to make a plan to get out of this relationship. Do you have a family member who could support you, either by staying with you when he's away or you moving to them?

He sounds like a complete waste of space but why did you have 2 children with him?