Coke heads

[IronNeonClasp]

Please give me your experiences of how you separated from one of these. I’m really shocked after being thrown under a bus by now ex of 4.5 years and he managed to blame me entirely to his family.

I’m struggling with being labelled ‘toxic’ and ‘abusive’ to his family when all I was looking for was commitment to make our ‘family’ secure and looking after his wellbeing.

He never even brought a toilet roll here. Utilised me for everything, food, bills. Please help me understand how I have been labelled the ‘abuser’ when I feel like he abused me all along…

It's what abusive people do I'm afraid. They can't take responsibility or be to blame ever because their ego can't take it. So, they accuse you of everything they have done to you in order to be seen as the victim. Then eventually they meet someone else, play the victim to them and repeat the pattern.

It's cruel and disgusting but they don't tick the same as everyone else. They destroy people's lives and leave a wake of destruction behind them. When they have lost all control they go on the offensive and smear you to others, beating you to it.

The way I worked it out was by writing down everything that happened from the beginning and I saw a clear pattern that I didn't notice at the time. Therapy too, having someone to talk over what happened and to rebuild your self esteem.

Why do you care what his enabling family thinks?

You're still his doormat, worrying more about what he's doing and thinking that what's really best for you.

Block him on absolutely everything and don't look back.

I told him 'I'm moving out on March 7th if you don't stop'

He seemed shocked when I moved out on March 7th.

Remember, they love drugs more than you. It's the drugs talking and they'll always choose drugs over you.

Plenty of lovely men out there without dependencies

They was to believe son .

it’s not worth the battle - block them all - start your happy ever after without him .

When my ex told his family that he was a coke head due to our separation, he also told them I did it. They then blamed me. They ignore me now, the golden child can do no wrong. But who cares what they think. I know the truth.

Help us understand why it’s import to you what a few people label you? Why does it matter what your ex family label you, when you know the truth. They are your ex family and bias towards them. Your ex is labelled a Coke addict and they are a Coke addicts family. They seriously have a lot of problems, that you no longer have

Thanks for your replies.

He stopped (again) because his family found out (again). I’m older and I feel so naive I tried to end it multiple times and he kept coming back or wouldn’t leave but now he has the higher ground saying not to contact him again. Can’t believe I didn’t see it coming. Like a trap. Oh an his ex was ‘abusive’ too but I never got to the bottom of it.

Do you think he will use again? He’s been forced to stop when in the grip of coke.

For the record he and family blocked / deleted everywhere except work as I can’t work out how to (working on it).

@IronNeonClasp yes he will use again, it doesn’t matter your no longer involved.
forget about him he’s a coke addict and no they don’t change and usually they don’t stop.
Find someone else who will treat you better

Yes he more than likely will and he could potentially get you mixed up with all that comes with it too. Regardless, he's shown his colours by accusing you so don't give him a second thought or his family.

Someone else is out there without all that drama, addiction and hate who will treat you as you deserve.

Thanks again for your replies.

His family have never witnessed him in full addiction phase. I knew what was going on straight away again. The lies, avoidance, mood swings, telling me he would relapse if I kept on (even though he had) using in my bathroom when my kids were here, sniffing, always on your guard for the inevitable relapse and the worry, constantly checking over your shoulder. The gaslighting is horrendous.

I think yes - he’s done me a massive favour hasn’t he and I really do hope he fucks up again so they witness it. All of it.

You don't have to understand a coke head/ abuser If you try you may lose your health in the attempt. You only have to get rid safely of them and move on.

His only relationship is with his addiction. Whatever addiction it is, that comes first and always.

He will do it again. Until he wants to stop he will do it.

Who cares what his family think? They probably don't want to deal with him. Well now neither do you so they can step up.

I lived next door to a Cokehead and I have honestly never heard anything like it.

Your life is worth so much more than this.

I am sure his family have seen it and will see it again.

My ex neighbor went to stay with her family and was sent back home because of her behavior so she was back ranting and raving for hours on end in the middle of the night. Nothing stopped her doing it, nothing and nothing will stop him until he wants to.

Whilst you have a lovely life ahead of you!

Thanks that’s really lovely of you to say. Well he’s being monitored 24/7 now by family (like a toddler) so I doubt it will happen again - but who knows.

I do feel somewhat relieved but also very pissed off he labelled me the abuser when I only had his wellness at heart and let him live here. Hopefully they will see it someday.

Coke is an evil, evil drug I can’t believe he offered it to me.

Have the confidence to step back and know that decent people judge you by your own actions not another’s words.

Those that judge you from the rambling and ranting lies of an addict are not worth your headspace.

His family know the mess he is - they are now currently lumbered with it.

You need to turn you back and pivot your life to be filled with normal people who are balanced, kind, respectful who you have likely neglected during the past 4.5 years of being drawn into the chaos of the addict.

Don't look at understanding his actions of which you have zero control - look to your own as to why you tolerated this for so long especially bringing this chaos to your DCs for a huge chunk of their childhoods.

Look to your own boundaries and what deficiencies / vulnerabilities in you need to be addressed so that this doesn’t happen again with him or someone else.

If his family are monitoring him all the time they've seen it too! They were no doubt relieved that you took him on.

Let them think you are an abuser. It doesn't matter. They are trying to guilt trip you into having him back.

Whatever he says or they say the answer is no. He is not your concern.

As a poster said reconnect with people you haven't seen for a while. Do nice things for you. You will soon be back on track.

Thank you that’s really lovely of you.

No - he won’t be back they have believed his lies and they would never let us near each other again.

I’m making some big changes already as plans were on hold for about a year so trying to stay focused..