Let him know he actually disgusts me? Or not

[Girlmom83]

Relationship involving 2 youngish kids coming to an end. Amicably due to a lot of work in my part. His particular traits are lack of empathy or compassion, gives little support to me when needed, and then wonders why he couldn't make it work.

Recently he devastated me by not having my back in an incident at our home and placed blame and responsibility on my shoulders.

Do I make a point of spelling out his insufferable points in hope he can understand and change before his daughters see them? Or choose amicable atmosphere as usual. Let him believe he's right and I'm wrong

I'd choose the path that doesn't rock the boat. Do you think if you tell him how you feel that he will change?

Well amicable is always easier and the ruder you are the less he is likely to listen to you anyway. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't explain the situation from your point of view. You just don't need to use language like 'you disgust me'.

If you're ready to move on, then move on. Home truths won't make him change or reassess his behaviour. Cut your losses, grey rock. Look to your future without him and his bullshit.

If you’re divorcing because he couldn’t take that on board, he’s not going to take it on board now.

You both owe your daughters a civilised separation. You don’t have to keep bending over backwards, but you do need to avoid needlessly antagonising him, satisfying and deserved though it might be.

That's for the point of this thread. Only word to explain my current feeling. I never stand up to him as he is loud and verbal in front of kids but I'm tired of verbal abuse and he always determined to have last word and be right

Annoying as it is, these people will go to the ends of their own ruin to win. It isn’t worth it. Winning for you would be getting away from him and living a good life. All you would be doing is playing into his hands. He isn’t going to listen or learn

I would keep quiet. Both people ususally have their faults and you will have just as many as him, so if you want to avoid hearing what's wrong with you, I would keep quiet. You think he's wrong and you're right, he thinks he's right and you're wrong. You are both correct! i want to stay this all the time to my friends moaning on about their husbands - 'have a look at yourself and see if you are such a prize!'

"say this' not 'stay this'

The best way to 'win' is to do nothing. It will become abundantly clear when he needs to sort shit out for himself that actually everything wasn't your fault. But of course he will never admit that to himself and still probably try to blame you. But you can at least block his number when the kids are with you and grey rock him the rest of the time.

Yes I am talking from experience. There are plenty of things I could say to him. But it feels amazing to just walk away from an argument with him now and drop the rope. Then he is seen by all as the tantruming little toddler that he truly is.

He won't listen, they never do. Your children, at some point, will see him for what he is. Do what is best for you and them.

Or maybe I am completely and totally wrong

This.

With a bit of luck he'll just fuck off.

You're a soon to be ex wife, not his mother. Grit your teeth. Smile sweetly for your girls' sake. Watch patiently as he fades from your lives. He obviously doesn't do responsibility.

In cases of extreme stress and agitation: get a doll and a set of floristry pins ... Insert the personal and bodily detritus he left behind. Enjoy.

Yes.you are and I've ignored your post. I came for advice about a sad lonely situation and what's best for the children and you point the finger back at me, just like their father does. For no just reason. And you literally don't know me. Don't comment on people's posts if you are not able to give helpful feedback. Just scroll by.

Tempting though it is to enlighten him about his crap personality, I agree with others who say that there is no point. He wouldn't believe you and just blame you for everything - what's new?

Also, I must say that I feel very proud of myself that I never let myself down by telling my Ex just what a jerk he is, during our breakup. It wouldn't have made any difference and would only have made things even more difficult.

Just editing to say, I know that he thought I was really sad about losing him (nope) and he believed me to be devasted about the split because he was such a catch (thrice nope and nope again). I love my life now.

He wouldn’t believe you and nor would he change his behaviour.
Imagine this is a role you’re playing. Twice nightly and a matinee on Sundays. Be the best actor ever, play to the crowd (him) and carry on being amiable, grey rock, cool indifference, (same thing). walk out of the room if he gets verbally abusive.
Stay strong, this is a part you’re playing remember.

Thank you all makes sense. Hold my tongue. Its all about the girls but I hurt for the future them when they see that although he loves them he wont always have their back the way a father should. I can deal with it.
2nd time I've heard grey rock. What does that mean?

It means don’t react, minimal response, teach yourself not to get emotionally riled. I can attest it’s a powerful thing to do to show the person who thought they could make you do what they wanted by shouting, sulking, sobbing or whatever that this no longer affects you at all.

It means don’t react, like I said, it’s another way of saying cool indifference. Imagine you’re a grey rock on the beach, buried in the sand, the waves will come and wash over you but stay calm, sometimes the waves will be rougher than others and you may feel a little shifting of the sand but dig deep and it’ll pass.

If you choose to tell him how and what you feel, will he deny and yell at you?
Hopefully, what happens is you escape, and your children have you and your family and will understand Dads problems.
Next time he starts at you, tell him No! Stop and walk away or at least shut him down.
I think it would be wise for you to offload the crap you have put up with.
Look after yourself.