Heavily pregnant and finding my mum irritating

[Mummymummy89]

I haven't posted in aibu because I know I'm being unreasonable but just looking for a bit of solidarity and/or a gentle nagging because I know I need it.

I'm heavily pregnant with dc2 and suffering from various very uncomfortable ailments - PGP and recurring infections and some others. Medical team are aware and treating me but that's the context why I'm SO irritable.

My mum lives abroad (long haul flight) so she only comes once or twice a year, and for long visits like 6w at a time staying in an airbnb nearby. She's arriving tomorrow for a month long visit. I'm dreading it.

My mum has the most frantic energy. Everything she says has an exclamation mark at the end. She over-apologises and justifies everything. She's extremely needy and struggles to find her way around when she visits the UK but then is profusely apologetic and pathetically grateful and so I have to reassure her it's fine - let's say she needs to go to the post office but I'm at work, I'll have to tell her very specifically go to bus stop A, take bus X towards Y, get off at stop Z. I don't mind doing this but it'll be punctuated by an endless stream of apologetic interruptions in a rising pitch of frantic "Thank you so much you know what I'm like haha!! Directionally challenged as they say!! I'm so sorry it must be such a burden you must be regretting inviting me!!! Maybe I can buy you something from the shop while I'm there??!!!" I'm like it's ok, could you pick up some sliced bread. I'll then get a call or texts "is that white bread or brown bread?!! I know you don't like xyz!! but shall I get abc?! and is that OK! and I'm so so sorry!! you must be busy at work!!"

Just needing constant reassurance that no I'm not annoyed (I am), fishing for thanks, etc.

Another thing - if I ever complain that I'm in pain or something is wrong, the hypochondria is next level. If I were to say I had a headache "oh no that sounds serious do you need to call an ambulance?! Is it because of xyz?! Should you be drinking tea maybe the caffeine will make it worse or maybe it's abc, i read that headaches could be a sign of xyz" [she doesn't take a breath and the frantic pitch gradually rises]. I don't need all that, I just need "oh dear poor mummy89, can I make you a cuppa?"

God forbid I tell her if the baby kicks particularly hard, sometimes I wince involuntarily when that happens - she'll insist I'm going into labour and need to go into urgent care etc etc.

She'll want to babysit dd so dh and I can have a date (we so rarely get to) but she'll need the most specific instructions otherwise she'll be bothering us during our date "you said dd likes cheese but how much is a good amount?! Grated or sliced?!"

It's not her age, she's been like this my whole life, made worse by my sister's severe health problems that she struggled to deal with. I chose to go to boarding school to get a bit of normality- that's how the uk became my home. So we aren't close.

She hasn't been here for a whole year and dd is looking forward to seeing her. I just feel like an ungrateful cow for dreading her visit.

I'm an ungrateful cow, aren't I?

Sorry that was a longer rant than I intended

If your mum is the only person getting on your nerves when you're heavily pregnant I'd say you're doing well, I was ready to punch anyone and everyone in the throat once I hit the 3rd trimester with my second.

Haha thank you that's making me feel better! I'm just so irritable but I know if I snap at her she'll just go quiet and sad and it'll be like I've kicked a puppy.

I just need to get through this month long visit without blowing up at her because I know I'd feel horrendously guilty and she can't help the way she is.

She sounds really anxious.

Not surprising it gets irritating but I guess aim for feeling a bit sorry for her?

I think she is anxious, yes... I don't know what the solution is though because she's been like this her whole life. I feel sorry for her too (in the abstract, when I'm not feeling supremely annoyed).

She's had a really tough life, physically abused by her parents as a child, emotionally abused by my terrible philandering narcissistic dad (separated when I was a baby) and then struggled to cope with my older sister's health problems. She did have a successful and well paid career before retiring but apart from that, I'm one of the few things in her life that isn't a Problem.

I find myself never telling her whenever I have a problem or need help, because she just panics and it all escalates and then I'm reassuring her instead of getting the support I originally approached her for.

I'm ashamed to say I only call her about once a month although we text a brief message nearly everyday (very brief small talk, "good morning have a nice day, thanks you too").

I'm probably a really cold standoffish daughter. I do feel bad.

I’m fairly heavily pregnant and in a colossal amount of discomfort myself, so I hear you! My own sweet mother is incredibly low-maintenance and very supportive, and I found myself getting annoyed with her genuinely-desperately-needed help! (I was literally vomiting in the church bathroom, rocking on hands and knees to stop the pelvic discomfort, and didn’t want to disturb my husband/children… she cleaned up the vomit, helped get me a sip of water, and then took me home as she had keys/etc and I was without my purse and don’t want to traumatize our children anyways.)

The whole way home she was sweetly trying to distract me, just trying to be so helpful, offering to adjust the heat/etc, and I just wanted QUIET and my husband who knows what I need without asking, just at one glance. And I felt so guilty for that thought!

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all; I think you’re preparing yourself for something that’s a bit challenging for you! I know right now as much as I appreciate those who are willing to help with whatever I ask for or jump in and assist, I MORE appreciate anyone who can a) see what’s needed without a word b) function normally when I’m wincing/grimacing through that ripping sharp pain c) do lovely things without one word from me.

It’s just that I feel so tapped out. So utterly overwhelmed with what’s going on in my own body. (Third pregnancy, carrying low, strong healthy baby which I’m SO thankful for!) I just don’t have the bandwidth to help anyone help me!

Maybe you can somehow communicate to your mother that… that you can’t help her help you right now, but you’d love to sit and sip some tea and watch a cozy show together.

@MabelQ oh gosh sorry to hear you've been so sick! Pelvic pain is just the worst isn't it, but I'm sorry you were vomiting as well, that sounds horrific.

I just wanted QUIET and my husband who knows what I need without asking, just at one glance

Yes this is exactly it. My dh is a man of few words and I just love the silence. He knows when to do something practical and when to just make a sympathetic noise (or neither).

Every hour with my mum is an ordeal I have to pysch myself up for. I'll just be longing for each day to end so I can drop her back in her bnb and be alone with dh and dd again. I get nothing positive from interacting with her, at all. It's really sad and I feel awful but it's true.

I'd do it as a duty without complaining, and I usually do, except that I'm just so so pregnant right now!

Gosh I feel so sorry for you. You aren’t obviously very close at all, (I’m not with my mum either so I do understand). Are you planning on spending every single day with her?

I will add that one way I manage to feel less angry/annoyed with my mum was to actually feel sorry for her. She had an awful childhood and also had a child with medical issues and through therapy realised her behaviour all stems from those things.

@LizzieSiddal it sounds like a similar situation to mine - I'm sorry your mum has had a hard time too. I do feel sorry for mine.

We usually spend 4-5 days a week with her when she visits - I work 3.5 days a week (dd is at nursery at those times) so we mostly see her on my days off and the occasional work evening.

The first one or two weeks will just be extremely tough because dd always takes a week or so to adjust to the change in mood when my dm is around (ie the frantic atmosphere) but after a week or two I'll be able to leave thrm alone together or let my dm take her to the soft play, etc. As long as I give very exact directions, meal prep everything, pack the bag, book the soft play, etc.

I feel bad for comparing but my DMIL is just so practical and capable and just gets on with it when she babysits. She'll bring interesting activities for dd to do, she'll make dd a lunch she likes, she can do bathtime and bedtime with effortless flair.

My dm has never done a single bedtime for my dd (age 3.5yo) because literally, her frantic energy means dd can't drop off to sleep. It's awful. My dm will be like "are you thirsty?! Want some warm milk?! Oh no did the milk burn your tongue!! Do you need the toilet?! Why are you rubbing your eyes, are they itchy?!! They seem itchy, maybe you're having an allergic reaction to something!! It's dusty I'd better open a window! Oh no now you're too cold!!!!" And then I'll get a precis of this on my return "I'm pretty sure dd had an allergic reaction at bedtime! It's dusty in her room you know, she was rubbing her eyes!! I wonder if you need to go to the doctor about it?!!"

So she can't do evening babysitting for us unless we do bedtime before she gets here. Dh and I will only be able to have the odd weekend lunch date with her babysitting, and only after she's been here a couple of weeks to adjust (I know, I'm an ungrateful cow not to appreciate this more).

Have you ever actually spoken to her about her behaviour?

I had a personality trait that my family found extremely challenging. They individually spoke to me about it. They were kind. They came with specific examples, and they reminded me frequently that they loved me and were only telling me as they wanted to spend more time with me.

It took me back a little, but with some introspection, I listened, and I've changed. I'm really glad they told me. I would really urge you to tackle your mum head on.

If I'd had the life you've said your Mum had, I think I'd be massively anxious about my children and grandchildren, and afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing in case you abuse her too.

I think you just need to have a couple of nights where you send her back early if you're not coping well, and practice some deep breathing to calm yourself when she's a bit over the top.

Good luck, just remember it all comes from a good place.

Ah @hotcandle you seem really nice and insightful. It's hard to take on feedback like that.

Yeah I've raised this with my dm tons of times. She'll interrupt me frantically "okokok yes yes I know I'm sorry I'm being frantic it's my frantic energy you've said before I'm sorry!!!!" Then she'll be all hurt and I'll feel bad and sometimes even dh tells me off afterwards and says I was too harsh.

Or like mabelq suggested, sometimes I've just gently said "I really just want to sit quietly now mum" and she'll sit bolt upright staring at the wall, almost holding her breath, rather than quietly reading a magazine or something. So I'll say "what's wrong mum you seem tense" and she'll say in a high pitched tone "you wanted me to be quiet so I'm being quiet I thought that's what you wanted!!!!" I know, it sounds like I'm exaggerating but I'm really not, it's almost comical if it wasn't the reality I live in.

There are some things that can get her to relax, for example she likes playing word games (and she's incredibly good at them even though English isn't her first language). Luckily dh and I enjoy them too so we can play scrabble or wordle or whatever and then she relaxes and enjoys herself. But dd is only 3 so can't join in and gets needy herself.

This is a good idea if you can do it. If you can’t be direct you could gently say your DD likes a calm, quiet environment and so can she try to keep a quiet, calm atmosphere?

If I'd had the life you've said your Mum had, I think I'd be massively anxious about my children and grandchildren, and afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing in case you abuse her too.

@AuntyMabelandPippin you've got it exactly, this is absolutely right. I do feel so bad. Dh really makes me feel bad sometimes too if I've been harsh with her. It sucks really because her past isn't my fault but I know that's a selfish way for me to look at it.

Ps thank you all so much for your support on this thread - I'm just going to bed now but I'll report back tomorrow evening probably when I've spent my first day with dm... I'm so grateful for the wisdom of mumsnet honestly

It's so difficult, OP. I can imagine what she's like from your description.

I would really urge you to try again, but to tell her you've tried to have the conversation before and you know how she's going to react but you really want her to think about your words as you want to cherish the time you both spend together. She's being defensive by blaming herself but that's not the reaction you need, you need a proper conversation.

I think a real heart to heart will help you both. As long as you are really really kind it will hopefully help. Just don't expect it to work first time and make sure your husband can't hear the conversation, you don't need his opinion on your own relationship with your mum. Others don't understand the strain.

I try and empathise with others as much as I can. For a while after our conversation with my family members, they had to remind me every so often about what we spoke about, but I really tried hard to change. It eventually stuck, but it took a few tries!!

Thank you all so much for your support, I've been reflecting on what you've all been saying, all day while my dm is here, and it's really reprogrammed my thoughts for the better. Here's how the day is going so far...

My mum was a bit frantic and OTT grateful/apologetic/nonstop talking when we first met - I was a bit exhausted because I'd only found parking a 5min hill-walk from her airbnb, and I was carrying a few supplies for her as well as leading dd, so my pgp was sore. I was gnashing my teeth a bit with impatience but I held my temper. Still, I didn't greet her particularly warmly and it was not my finest hour.

But then we brought her back to my house to have lunch together and it was much better. I didn't mention in my op but my dm is vegetarian and has certain other fussy food preferences so mealtimes can also be a source of irritation but we made a lunch both she and dd would eat so that went well.

Since then they've been playing together and I've been resting in another room!

My dm does have a slightly manic tone but luckily my blessed dd is patient and easygoing (I acknowledge she gets this trait 100% from dh not from me). My mum fires streams of questions at her, without pausing for breath or letting her answer "how is nursery?! Do you have friends at nursery what are they called?! How many children in the class?! What activities do you do, do you have a favourite activity?!!" Dd just gives her that eyebrows raised look but then answers one of the questions at random.

There are some things that just come from the fact that she hasn't seen dd in a while and is just generally out of touch - all her gifts and suggested activities are age-inappropriate (pitched too old), and she's vaguely surprised dd can't read yet (she's 3).

Also, she can't understand dd's pronunciation of words even though most adults who know her can, I guess that's a familiarity thing. But still she overreacts so manically! Just in the last hour I've overheard some hilarious misunderstandings - dd told dm "I had a biscuit" and dm says "you had a... this-good?! This-good?! What's good?!" Dd "no, a BISCUIT" and eventually I had to intervene because even dd was starting to get irritated lol. Why can't she just pretend she understood and say vaguely "ah did you"!

Another one, dd showed dm some toys and said "these are my guards for my den" and dm said, genuinely shocked and in an OTT disapproving voice "these are... your GODS?!!!!!!" Lol! Poor dd!

Anyway thanks to this thread I'm seeing the funny side and having way more empathy for my dm so it's totally flipped my mindset and I'm really grateful to you all. I'm also 100% going to be doing what auntymabelandpippin suggested, and drop her back off early today, before dinner - it's already 10.30pm now in her old timezone so a fab excuse.

I'm typing this post while resting in a different room so absolutely already getting something positive out of the visit, I feel bad now for saying I don't get anything positive from dm's visits.

I think having any family come to visit you for extended periods of time is very stressful and annoying. I am NC with my mum (for reasons unrelated to how annoying she is), but mine is similar in a lot of ways. Also lives abroad and would come to stay for a week or two at a time (thank god, not 6 weeks, I would have needed to be involuntarily committed after 6 weeks!). There is a similar anxiety about everything, lots of exclamation points too (!!!), a lot of fuss about very small details. It sounds like for your mum, it's anxiety, for mine, I think it was just not having enough to do to keep herself busy, so meddling and fussing was like a hobby, it gave her some meaning in life and some attention.

No advice, other than to say that I think you're sounding amazingly calm for someone whose mother is incoming for a 6 week visit. Never mind being pregnant. That sounds hell-ish even without being pregnant. Could you be quite intentional about not responding? Like just say you'll be unavailable for periods of the day and don't engage so you get a break? Make sure you are getting to bed early, so she is back to her Airbnb and you get a break in the evenings, etc.

@Mummymummy89 Your update sounds positive, glad you’ve been able to laugh about things which could easily be annoying, and great you’ve been able to put your feet up. Long may it continue!

Thank you both!!

@mindutopia just 30 days for this particular visit but the average is 6 weeks. Towards the beginning of lockdown, dm visited but then her country locked down hard and she couldn't go back so she stayed for four months...! Of which the first few weeks were at our house until I found her a short term let. Even my patient-like-a-saint dh was getting irritated by the end of the four months.

Sorry to hear your mum is so difficult and you're NC - I'm NC with my dad so I totally get the need for that.

I couldn't go NC with my mum though because I'd just feel so incredibly guilty...she always means well and on balance did a great job raising me and breaking the cycle of abuse (I mean, she never abused me even though she herself had been by her parents. My uncle did beat his kids as his father did before him, and I had to report him to SS).

Also I have to remind myself - the deal was my dm would visit now rather than when the baby is born. Then she'll come again when the baby is 3-4mo. This is good because my dm's frantic anxiety is magnified a hundredfold around a newborn/new mum recovering from a c-section, as I discovered painfully when dd was born. So I've got to focus on the wider benefits of this visit!

We've dropped her back for the evening now and aren't seeing her tomorrow (I'll be working late) so I can...breathe...!