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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH told another woman about his affair..

22 replies

hellebores · 10/03/2008 11:32

Maybe this should be in AIBU? I have been with DH for 20+ years - we have an excellent relationship and family life, but I recently discovered he has told a newish female friend of his about an affair he had some years ago.

I was so surprised when she admitted to me that she knew about this as so few people know. Why would he share this intimate level of information with her? Should I say something to him?

Does anyone think I should be at all worried about this?

OP posts:

MyMummiesAScummyMummy · 10/03/2008 11:36

Hellbores, I would be suprised and uncomfortable in this situation. My DH had an emotional affair and we have worked our way through it but no-one knows, if this happened i would also feel , although i'm not sure exactly why, its just instinctual. I would definately question him about it. Good luck, big hugs.

Original poster

hellebores · 10/03/2008 12:27

Thanks for that - I know they have got close and spent a lot of time with each other lately. She's also quite attractive (she is in a relationship with young children though) and he's a HUGE flirt, but I feel sick at the thought he has shared this with her.

OP posts:

ROSEgarden · 10/03/2008 12:29

tell him she approached you and told you she knew, ask him why he felt the ned to sahre THAT with her?..let him do the talking!..id be wondering WHY he felt the need to tell her or anyone else for that matter?

CountessDracula · 10/03/2008 12:30

maybe he was trying to make the relatioship safe

ie if he tells her that he has had an affair in the past and it was a mare then she won't try and tempt him

just a thought

stirlingmum · 10/03/2008 12:32

I would have thought that if this information was something that he wasn't proud of then he wouldn't be telling people.

I wouldn't be happy if my dh told another woman about his affair - mainly because I have trouble getting him to talk about it!!

Original poster

hellebores · 10/03/2008 12:34

To be honest Rose - the subject came up when I was talking to her - I started to hint about it in the most slight way (it's a long story involving an illegitimate child) and she stopped me and admitted my DH had told her all about it - so it wasn't like she just came and found me and told me unprompted. I don't know her very well - but I instinctively feel threatened by her, and knowing that she knows all about this makes it worse.

OP posts:

Aitch · 10/03/2008 12:35

i would be unhappy about that, but i also think that cd's point may be valid. you'll just have to speak to him about it.

Original poster

hellebores · 10/03/2008 12:36

Countess - that is a good point you make. Maybe it was a way of warning her off - but quite an intimate one all the same, no?

OP posts:

OverMyDeadBody · 10/03/2008 12:37

I don't think this is necessarily something to be worrying about. It's not always healthy to keep things bottled up, maybe he needed to talk to someone about it to help him get over it, and it was easier to talk to with someone who he didn't know very well, rather than an old friend, if that makes sence?

Maybe he just wanted to be completely honest with his new friend, and talk through some of his guilt etc.?

I'd respect someone for being open and honest about past mistakes tbh., it makes it more real and that in turn makes it easier to get past. Agree with Countess too, as a possibility.

VictorianSqualor · 10/03/2008 12:39

Perhaps they were talking about relationships in general and he said what a prat he had been and that he'd nearly lost you or something similar, I'd definitely speak to him about it and find out the context in which they discussed it, if it was him admitting eh was a twat and hurt you then it's still painful, but ok, if he was talking about it willy-willy as if he were discussing the weather I'd be mighty peeved.

OverMyDeadBody · 10/03/2008 12:40

I disagree stirlingmum, people do talk to other people about things thay are not proud of you know, and it can be easier to do this with people you don't know very well.

OverMyDeadBody · 10/03/2008 12:41

Agree with VS too, the context would make all the difference. Perhaps the topic of kids came up and he felt the need to explain about the iligitimate child?

PotPourri · 10/03/2008 12:42

Maybe she was telling him about an affair, or her DH having an affair or soemthing, and he was saying that it wasn't worth it - he had one etc. etc. Or maybe he was trying to tell her subtly that he has done it before so might do it again. It could be anything.

You need to ask him why he told her, and explain that it has made you feel weird for him to tell a stranger such intimate details of your relationship.

Regarding being wary of her, well, not a great deal I can say about that. If your trust is still recovering, then it is not unreasonable to be wary.

Hope it all turns out.

Original poster

hellebores · 10/03/2008 12:42

Yes, another good point. I guess that I was sort of dropping her hints about his behaviour as a test - or warning - to her too - but the fact that I was happy to even go this far with my side of the story makes me wonder if she's just the kind of person people open up to. Either that or she's v v devious!

OP posts:

Pheebe · 10/03/2008 12:44

Of course non of us can speak for your DHs motives but I think I would be quite suspicious. Firstly why and how on eearth did such a topic come up in conversation? I would have thought if you wanted to set boundaries with someone that the last thing to do would be to admit to a previous affair, to me this smacks of I did it once I can do it again. Rather I would want to be saying how happy and content I am in my relationship ie there's no chance of an affair with you...
I would also be suspicious of why this woman came and told you what had been said...but then I'm naturally suspicious.
If its bugging you I think you need to ask DH outright and tell him how uncomfortable it has made you

CountessDracula · 10/03/2008 12:47

I would certainly ask him about it

Don't feed him either
ie don't say "oh did you do it so you could make relationship safe" or something
just ask why he did it and in what context
and tell him you are uncomfortable about his relationship with her and that you would rather he cooled it given what happened before.

VictorianSqualor · 10/03/2008 12:54

Agree with CD, i'd say I was aware he had discussed it with her and was confused as to why as it's not the sort of thing to just come up in coversation. Then be quiet and let him explain.

jasper · 10/03/2008 13:31

You say you have an excellent relationship . I would NOT question him about it.
It is really up to him what he talks to his friends about.

I am glad you got over the affair and moved on.

ROSEgarden · 10/03/2008 13:45

no chick i meant i wonder why HE felt he should tell her not you

HappyWoman · 10/03/2008 13:56

It would make me feel uncomfortable - but i have a male friend who told me and i dont think anything of it - i havent told his wife i know either. It is there bussiness but it did help me in my worst times to know that others can get over it.

I am all in favour of more openess generally as i do think too many people think affairs are just things that happen and do not understand the huge fallout they have.

Talk to him about it - hope it is ok.

Original poster

hellebores · 10/03/2008 16:00

Wow! Some nice advice here - thank you everyone. I don't really like to ask him outright as I don't want to give him a reason to think I'm suspicious. But I think I'll have to find a way to let him know that I know that she knows(!).
It doesn't seem unreasonable to want to know - I'll just let him do the talking as you suggest and try to make light of it. We don't normally have secrets from each other - not since the affair, and I'm pretty confident he would react ok to this question - he knows what he's like (flirty and attractive to women) and we both know that he wouldn't risk what he has now to get caught out again. This other woman may or may not be dangerous - but if she had something to hide - why bother telling me something so intimate about any burgeoning relationship of theirs??

OP posts:

VictorianSqualor · 10/03/2008 17:24

I'd imagine the fact that she told you she knew goes to show she has nothing to hide, if it was an intimate deep convo it's likely you never would've known but from what you say it seems more like it was a 'Stop a second, you don't need to explain, I know' to put you at ease rather than a 'Ohh, me and your fella talk y'know' type thing.

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