Page 2 | Arguments & falling out

tootrueblue · 2023-10-31T18:13:08+00:00

How often do you argue or fall out with your partner? Even if it's just a case of being in a mood with the other one? Trying to gauge how uncommon (and sad) my situation is.

FredintheShed · 31/10/2023 22:02

Honest answer is rarely. He doesn’t really annoy me, I think we are very respectful of each other. Even if I do disagree with him I will just explain myself calmly. I have got frustrated with him but I consider whether it’s a me problem before I bring it up (often it is). One of the reasons I am with him is because I feel so emotionally and physically safe. He never brings up sex as a topic of conversation of complaints of any kind, we banter/flirt but he always waits for me to signal if I am interested in sex before he initiates and he has never in our many years together assumed sex is happening or complained, he is quite overly cautious about never wanting to be letcherous towards me. I could not be with someone who is always in a mood it’s just awful and such a waste of your life?

You partner is insecure and is trying to get a push/pull dynamic as a way of ‘proving’ you love him by pulling away to get you to chase him. He’s also setting you impossible tasks that you can’t pass and this also ‘proves’ his paranoid ideas. This is surely deeply unattractive? No partner should ever feel they are entitled to sex and emotionally manipulate to get it, it is revolting and disrespectful behaviour that will only give you the giant fucking ick. Then he will be justified in punishing you more in a self fulfilling prophecy!

Original poster

tootrueblue · 31/10/2023 23:47

@FredintheShed that's really insightful and has given me some things to think about. Thank you

OP posts:

Orangello · 01/11/2023 06:11

Silent treatment, unreasonable behaviour and then gaslighting that it wasn't him who was unreasoanble, it was you. You feel like you can't do anything right, no matter how hard you try, you have somehow still managed to hurt his feelings?
You tiptoe on eggshells not to upset him?

OP, this really does not sound like a healthy relationship. Are you happy? Or are you really really happy when he decides to be nice to you occasionally, and rest of the time working for those fleeting moments?

Original poster

tootrueblue · 01/11/2023 09:40

Orangello · 01/11/2023 06:11

Silent treatment, unreasonable behaviour and then gaslighting that it wasn't him who was unreasoanble, it was you. You feel like you can't do anything right, no matter how hard you try, you have somehow still managed to hurt his feelings?
You tiptoe on eggshells not to upset him?

OP, this really does not sound like a healthy relationship. Are you happy? Or are you really really happy when he decides to be nice to you occasionally, and rest of the time working for those fleeting moments?

Yes that's exactly it. There's a lot of things I can say, tones I can't use, emotional responses I can't have, clothes I can't wear because it'll cause him to kick off so I'm on eggshells constantly, trying to keep things on an even keel. I'm tired, I'm not happy and I've wanted to leave before but I don't know what stops me. I guess I want to give it everything I have before I walk away and not give in

OP posts:

Orangello · 01/11/2023 09:50

I've been there. It won't get better. There's nothing you can do to make him happy - he will just move the goalposts and find something else you did 'wrong'

Original poster

tootrueblue · 01/11/2023 14:23

I suppose that's what I'm hoping - that he'll stop picking issues with everything and just be happy

OP posts:

flipperdoda · 01/11/2023 14:49

He won't. The more you pour into the relationship hoping that if you give more, he'll change...that's just more energy you lose. It's as simple and depressing as that.

I really feel for you but you just need to split up, this isn't right.

Original poster

tootrueblue · 01/11/2023 14:49

Gaslighting central over here. He's now saying that I always get angry when he tells me how he feels.

OP posts:

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 01/11/2023 14:51

I’ve been with my husband for 13 years and we’ve probably had about 5 big fall-outs in that time where we had a big argument and didn’t speak for a few days etc.

In terms of generally just being in a low level grump with each other maybe once every couple of months and it’s always resolved within a few hours.

Prelapsarianhag · 01/11/2023 14:53

This can only get much much worse. Leave before you are too ground down to get out. He is a vile abuser.

TheShellBeach · 02/11/2023 11:37

You need to leave him. He is not going to change.

Nanny0gg · 02/11/2023 12:23

tootrueblue · 31/10/2023 20:20

He has kids. I don't have any.

Keep it that way!

Nanny0gg · 02/11/2023 12:26

@tootrueblue I guess I want to give it everything I have before I walk away and not give in

Why?

Cut your losses

Isheabastard · 02/11/2023 14:41

I once read that if you think to yourself ‘I wish I could just find the right combination of words to explain how I’m feeling. Then if I do that he will understand, and we can discuss this with out ending up arguing”

The thing he really does understand your feelings, he just wants to deny you the right to have any feelings, because he doesn’t want to give up the control he has over you.

My stbx used to rage at me too if I used the ‘wrong tone of voice’. Therapy helped me see two things.

the wrong tone of voice was anytime I spoke to him in anything that wasn’t full of enough ‘respect’ for him. Ie. He was a superior being and I must always bow down to that fact.
By accusing me of using the wrong tone of voice, he would derail the whole topic. He would rage, and I would be left defending myself that I hadn’t used the wrong tone of voice. what you had said becomes lost in how you said it.