Being cut off for not doing what they want, WWYD? (TW Army/Deaths mentioned)

[ImportantToHimIDoGetIt]

Background: My dad was in the army until I was 5. Went to the Falkland’s and first gulf in Iraq, he also spent time in Afghanistan and other places. I know he watched his fellow soldiers die and my heart always goes out to him for that. He missed my birth as he was in Iraq and couldn’t get back in time. He did see my sibling born a few years later. The man that was going to be my godfather was killed while out there with my dad, so I do realise how important it is to him.

Growing up we (my sibling and I) had to go to the local cenotaph on Remembrance Sunday even when we were adults it was one of the rules of us living with him if we chose to, he insisted we wear poppys to school for all of October until the 11th November or Remembrance Sunday. We also had to take part in any veteran’s events with him including 2 memorable ones in the middle of GCSEs and ALevel exams where dad said there was nothing as important as this event and I had to alter my revision around it. I get that they’re extremely important events to him so I’ve always just gone with it as did my sibling.

My parents split when I was a teen and I ended up living with my dad when my mum moved abroad so it’s been my life from a very young age and after my parents split.

I am now a single parent myself to a DC aged 9.

My Ex-Husbands birthday is 12th November so sometimes it falls on Remembrance Sunday. We have a CAO in place and both get our own birthdays with DC if we want it.

This year Remembrance Sunday falls on ExHs birthday but it is also ExHs weekend with DC so no extra plans are being made. It’s a big birthday so Ex-MIL has asked me just for this year not to put DC in the Remembrance Parade with Scouts or School (School allow Years 5 and 6 to parade with the HT to lay a wreath or they can choose to do it with Scouts/GGs/St Johns Ambulance). Both ExH and Ex-MIL will observe the 2 minutes silence and have assured me that DC will be allowed to as well but they have plans for ExHs birthday which is fair enough, I’d already assumed they would do and was just going to ask that they observe the silence with DC to reflect my family.

DC is also born around Armed Forces Day in June, and this year had their party on Armed Forces day so couldn’t attend that event with my dad (24th June) due to that. This is a yearly event where veterans and their families get together usually for a meal after a service at a local cathedral. Next year it falls on DCs actual birthday so they definitely won’t be there. Last year it didn’t fall on party day so DC went to the service in Beavers Uniform and then did the meal after as I rearranged contact to do it.

Dad was grumpy about the June event but is now so mad about DC not being in the parade with the Scouts or School, saying that ExHs birthday doesn’t take priority and that I should put my foot down about it and just break the court order as it’s only “once or twice a year” it comes round or ExH can do something with DC after the parade. I’ve pointed out it’s ExHs weekend so he’s within his rights to take DC away to celebrate his birthday with him (as in DC celebrate with him ExH) which is I think what is being planned. I took DC away for my big birthday last year.

Dad has said if I don’t tell ExH that DC is being in the parade for Remembrance he is cutting us both off forever as he feels that important values and history for him is not being respected by me and DC. When I argue that it’s not fair for ExH to miss out on big birthday celebrations with his DC and he’s being kind enough to observe the 2minutes silence with DC (I know he would be doing it anyway) dad scoffed and said he didn’t care about ExH and I needed to teach my DC about the wars or they’d be the ones we hear about in the news causing them.

I don’t know where to go from here. I get it’s important to him and usually I would expect DC to be in the parade with Scouts (Cubs but they do it altogether as a district) but it’s not compulsory and ExH can’t help when his birthday is. As it's a big birthday I don't feel I can insist ExH make DC be part of the parade.

WWYD try and argue with ExH/ExMIL for DC to be in the parade or just let dad cut us off?

Your dad is emotionally abusive.

Your arrangements are fine. Don't engage with your Dad on the issue. He'll never relent and its not you who is being unreasonable. If he cuts you off that's simply a further extension of his abuse.

I agree. Your dad is a bully. You’re an adult, and you don’t have to answer to him.

Your dad is way out of line. Just say I'm sorry you feel that way and step back. It suggests he's rather controlling? You are not unreasonable you can't control your ex and he is punishing you for that....

Dad has said if I don’t tell ExH that DC is being in the parade for Remembrance he is cutting us both off forever as he feels that important values and history for him is not being respected by me and DC

My response would be 'that's up to you, dad.'

What your dad feels is up to him and he's being manipulative in both laying that on you and threatening to cut you off if DC doesn't do what he wants for one year. Also point out to him that it's not necessary to be in a remembrance parade to be aware of the important values it represents - DGF fought right through WW2 and went to the gunners memorial in Hyde Park every year until he was too frail but never ever insisted that we do the same - and we're all aware of what Remembrance Sunday is about and honour it.

Your dad is being unreasonable. Of course the children should go to their dad's.
Remember that as your kids get older they will make their own choices and, if not this year, will likely choose to miss the parade in the future.
Acknowledge the upset it will cause your dad but... don't let him bully you when you are being entirely reasonable.

It's your children's contact time with their father. Your father has no right dictating how your ex spends his contact time with his own children. Your father got to choose how he spent Remembrance Day with his children. Your ex gets to do the same with HIS children. Your father is overstepping his rights and is trying to act as if he has a parent's authority over your children, even though he is not a parent of the children. Maybe just tell your father, it's ex's contact time, I don't have any control over what he does.

Your dad doesn't get to say where the kids spend their time. If he wants to get in a grump or cut you off, that is his problem.

Your father is a bully. He has no right to dictate to you or your DC.
I and my family have a lot of military connections, I served as did my H. We both spent time in conflicts and have lost friends. I would never insist on my children, let alone grandchildren attending, especially if they are away with another family member.

It is your exH contact time, it is up to him how to spend that weekend. You can say to your dad you are sorry he feels that way, but it is out of your control and he must do what he thinks is best.

I agree your dad is way, way out of line here. Telling you to break a court order? Who the hell does he think he is?

Unfortunately, Remembrance Day this year has fallen on your DC's contact time with his father. Just tell your dad that he has no right to dictate what DC does with his own father on his court ordered contact time, and you will not be interfering with that. DC is not your father's child.

DC and ExH will be observing the 2 minutes' silence and that is enough to show respect.

He can huff and puff as much as he likes but it won't change anything. And if he does cut you off, so be it.

Your dad doesn’t get to call the shots with your kids. I agree with the others your dad is a bully. Your ex dh sounds as if he is being reasonable.

Let your emotionally abusive father cut you off

I firmly believe that those that died did so so we have our freedom , and that they would want children’s lives to carry on, and in this case that weekend is with his father.

hopefully next year it’s not.

But for your father to tell you to break the court order is just wrong, and breaking the law is not why those brave men, women and children who died in conflicts died for us

Your Dad is barking mad and is bullying you.

What about when your kids are older and want to choose what they do for themselves? Will he threaten to disown them every time?

We also had to take part in any veteran’s events with him including 2 memorable ones in the middle of GCSEs and ALevel exams where dad said there was nothing as important as this event and I had to alter my revision around it. I get that they’re extremely important events to him so I’ve always just gone with it as did my sibling

I have to say, OP, that he seems to have constructed not only his entire existence and meaning for living around having being in the military but yours as well - insisting that you attended events rather than revise for important exams??? did it not occur to him that those were important events for you?

Looks like he's always been an overbearing bully. It's hard, but you have to stand firm on this.

You’ve got a dad problem

Generally when people pull the "cutting off" shit, your life is massively improved by the cutting off, whist they are left bereft and lonely. Say "that is a shame Dad" and do as you please

Your dad is out of order.

Your father is a bully and you know no better.

Your poor children.

Let your father cut you off, you will be doing your children a favour.

The fact he is threatening you, should be enough, but you are so used to being bullied by him, you don't know any better.

Let him off.

Thank you all, you've said what I was thinking more atrticulatly I have to let Dad do what he wants.

My dad does put a lot of focus on the military, especially the army but all armed forces, he goes to all the funerals of veterans whether they served with him or not, takes any excuse to wear his medals, insists they go to me and my sibling and we wear them when hes no longer around. He's in a lot of veterans groups and he's got worse since he retired a few years ago.

I would calmly tell your Dad, by letter if needs be, that:
Respect is either ingrained or it is not and cannot be forced. You are confident and proud that your Dc will observe the silence wherever they are because they have that respect for the sacrifice and the history.

That you understood that he and men and women like him fought for freedom and democracy, to defend a just rule of law. The arrangement by which your Dc sees their father is court ordered and you do not want your Dc to see you flouting the fair and just rule of the British Court.

That you know how important family is, and as children of a divorce you do not want your Dc to feel pulled or pressured in between families.

That none of you will ever forget the sacrifices made.

And leave him to it.

He should probably see someone. He is using his obsession with this as a prop for his trauma. It simply isn’t fair or right to channel it all into pressure on you and especially your Dc.

I would take him to see the Great Escapers and ask him if Michael Canine’s character would tell him to get help!

It does sound to me that he could do with accessing a combat stress support group. His need to be seen is driving him to obsessive lengths to the point it as harmed his relationship with you and now it’s affecting your children. I’d be firm with him.

He doesn’t get to dictate what your dc do, he is not their parent and quite rightly, your ex wants them on his weekend for his birthday. Your dad is obsessive and controlling. Guaranteed the kids don’t care about the parade and would of course go with their dad given the choice. Break the court order? He’s unhinged.