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Original poster

I feel that I am failing as a mother to a preteen girl

15 replies

BookCzar · 31/10/2023 17:44

I hit a low today. My 11 year old daughter arranged for her two best friends to come over for pizza and age appropriate scary movies this evening, all by herself. I mean, she arranged it a few days ago and told me about it straight away, but didn't really ask for permisssion, I guess she thought that went without saying.

Long story short, it is also my birthday today, I work full time and had an exausting shift (I work as a manager at a scientific-educational bookstore and people often comment how they can't believe that could ever be stressful when oftentimes it trully is), and today it was really demanding.

So I get home and immidiately start preparing everything for the mini party when my daughter didn't even remember to wish me a happy birthday. She is normally a kind and sweet child, but ever since puberty hit, she is rude at times, talking back, white lies, grades sometimes not as great as they normally were.

Anyways, for some reason I got really overwhelmed at one point and told her that it'a really not fair for me to do all the work, that it's my birthday today and I am stuck doing all the work for her party I didn't even agree to, and that I didn't even get a happy birthday text from her, and that I am really mad at her for not going through with getting her braces done because she got scared. It sort of all just spilled out of me, I sounded really resentful and when I looked up she was crying, Halloween makeup driping all over.

I apologised right away as I felt horrible, and told her that I was just overwhelmed and having a bad day, she said that she will cancel the party since she didn't have any idea it was such a burden. At the end we agreed her friends would come and they did, but I feel so guilty and selfish and childish for this mean outburst, and I often think I am not really understanding now that she is a teenager, that I should maybe cut her more slack.

Than you if you stuck to the end of this nonsense post, I really just wanted to somehow lighten the burden. I somehow always end up feeling guilty.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 31/10/2023 18:01

I don't think you should feel bad. It was a one off outburst and I think kids need to realise that their parents are people too and not just automatons!

oceanpie · 31/10/2023 18:09

It's good the party went ahead and she didn't cancel but you need to change how you do things and be realistic. You need an outlet, you must carve time for yourself where you get a breather so you don't have another outburst. Make a plan, dont expect a preteen or teen to make a fuss of your birthday, its great your daughter has friends and can do stuff like this.... I think you need to talk to her again tomorrow and apologise for your outburst. The braces thing is really unfair. It's her mouth and her feelings are valid. You need to have regular time off for yourself and get support because preteens is nothing, teen years are worse than any toddler stage... you have to have healthy regular outlets so you don't blow up like this again.

  1. Apologise again tomorrow
  2. Make a plan for your down and relax outlet, maybe regular exercise or a hobby as your own sacred time. Some people wake up extra early for this.
  3. Be fair: when something isn't good for you, speak up and tell her early on it can't go ahead.
  4. Don't let things bottle up but speak up when you are calm
  5. Accept your daughter is going to push boundaries, who she invites over is within your remit to tell her no but whether she has braces or changes her mind is her own bodily autonomy and you must never guilt her over this. You need to apologise for this and explain how it's her right and decision.
Original poster
BookCzar · 31/10/2023 18:55

@oceanpie, thank you for taking the time to respond and share advice, I really appreciate it.

I emphasized right away that this whole outburst had nothing to do with her, she did nothing wrong and it was all me, I felt low and down and exhausted and reacted in an unhealthy way. I will of course repeat it all tomorrow.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said I should have some me time. I kind of lost it. There is just always too much work, when I am free I try to spend quality time with her, and I kind of neglected my own friends and my own time. I just don't know how to organize it all and how to muster the energy really.

I do read, hike, we go on trips, I take care of myself, but sometimes it feels like just another task, not something relaxing.

Her father and I have been divorced for nearly 5 years, none of us remarried, coparent great and he is an involved father but has a much more relaxed approach to parenting which leaves me feeling it's all down to me really.

And with regards to braces, while I agree she has body autonomy, she also has Crohn's disease and we were told it was really important to get braces as soon as possible. And she was really looking forward to them, until the doctor said it might hurt for a short time, at which she simply refused to put them and the doctor said we should try in one year, when she is a bit more mature. I try to instill in her care for her body and her health, but she is still very childish in that regard, it doesn't concern her in the slightest.

Be it as it may, I will definitely take the things you said onboard. 🙂

OP posts:
Wolfen · 31/10/2023 18:56

It's fine. You were overwhelmed and let it spill out. You are allowed to have feelings and it's good that you were able to express how you felt.
You apologised afterwards and alls good. Try to enjoy the rest of the day.

TeenLifeMum · 31/10/2023 19:00

11 is young for braces so go with giving it a year. I think it’s really important they see us as human and not just mum. Not saying happy birthday is not okay so she needed to hear that. You’ve taught her to communicate feelings and there’s an impact on others when she does or doesn’t do something. They need reminding of that at this age. Happy birthday op 🎂

Original poster
BookCzar · 31/10/2023 19:09

Thank you all for the kindness, makes me feel like less of an ogre. 🤗

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 31/10/2023 19:14

oceanpie · 31/10/2023 18:09

It's good the party went ahead and she didn't cancel but you need to change how you do things and be realistic. You need an outlet, you must carve time for yourself where you get a breather so you don't have another outburst. Make a plan, dont expect a preteen or teen to make a fuss of your birthday, its great your daughter has friends and can do stuff like this.... I think you need to talk to her again tomorrow and apologise for your outburst. The braces thing is really unfair. It's her mouth and her feelings are valid. You need to have regular time off for yourself and get support because preteens is nothing, teen years are worse than any toddler stage... you have to have healthy regular outlets so you don't blow up like this again.

  1. Apologise again tomorrow
  2. Make a plan for your down and relax outlet, maybe regular exercise or a hobby as your own sacred time. Some people wake up extra early for this.
  3. Be fair: when something isn't good for you, speak up and tell her early on it can't go ahead.
  4. Don't let things bottle up but speak up when you are calm
  5. Accept your daughter is going to push boundaries, who she invites over is within your remit to tell her no but whether she has braces or changes her mind is her own bodily autonomy and you must never guilt her over this. You need to apologise for this and explain how it's her right and decision.

This is wonderful advice save it so you can look back at it.

She is 11 she will start to pull away from you and her friends and her own life is what matters to her it's normal. Take care of yourself.

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 31/10/2023 22:17

You are human it's okay !! Please forgive yourself instead og being guilty as guilt takes away from your happiness energy and creates more stress 💕 talk it through reassure her and have a huge hug

marmitegirl01 · 31/10/2023 22:30

Sounds like you handled it well. You apologised. It's ok for our children to know that we get overwhelmed or tired or upset sometimes.
I wouldn't apologise again and actually I think she could have run it past you about inviting her friends round. She needs to consider you too.

booksandbrooks · 31/10/2023 22:37

Happy birthday OP Cake
Even though it hasn't exactly been today I hope there are some treats lined up in your immediate future.

It all sounds very human and relatable. It's okay to get overwhelmed, snap, mix in other issues. Regret and explain. Showing kids normal human responses, the ability to process and then apologise and explaining that you also have needs is all healthy imo.

A Halloween birthday is quite an easy thing to remember but adolescents and pre aren't the best at that sort of thing.

Yoyoban · 31/10/2023 23:00

I disagree that she didn't do anything wrong. She shouldn't have invited her friends over without asking you, on any day but especially on your birthday. She shouldn't have left you to do all the prep (what prep were you doing?) for her friends coming over. Wishing you a happy birthday is literally the bare minimum she should have done.

Did you handle it in an ideal way? No. But she does need to know she has done wrong. And I don't think that her understanding that her behaviour has upset you is a bad thing.

I think it's sometimes difficult for single parents to teach their kids about appropriate behaviour for their parents birthdays. If you were with her Dad (and he was a decent partner) he would have been the one prompting her to ensure she remembered your birthday/ did nice things for you/ didn't make other plans because you'd be celebrating your birthday. It doesn't come naturally for most people to tell others what they need to do for someone on their birthday, but kids do need to be taught it and as the only parent your dd has in your household it's a task you need to do like any other part of parenting - teaching her how she can make sure that people, including you, feel appreciated - which yes, for most people, means remembering and marking their birthday.

Iliedwheniwas17 · 31/10/2023 23:12

Yoyoban · 31/10/2023 23:00

I disagree that she didn't do anything wrong. She shouldn't have invited her friends over without asking you, on any day but especially on your birthday. She shouldn't have left you to do all the prep (what prep were you doing?) for her friends coming over. Wishing you a happy birthday is literally the bare minimum she should have done.

Did you handle it in an ideal way? No. But she does need to know she has done wrong. And I don't think that her understanding that her behaviour has upset you is a bad thing.

I think it's sometimes difficult for single parents to teach their kids about appropriate behaviour for their parents birthdays. If you were with her Dad (and he was a decent partner) he would have been the one prompting her to ensure she remembered your birthday/ did nice things for you/ didn't make other plans because you'd be celebrating your birthday. It doesn't come naturally for most people to tell others what they need to do for someone on their birthday, but kids do need to be taught it and as the only parent your dd has in your household it's a task you need to do like any other part of parenting - teaching her how she can make sure that people, including you, feel appreciated - which yes, for most people, means remembering and marking their birthday.

I agree. She really shouldn’t have just invited friends over for a party that you were expected to do lots of prep for on your own birthday. Then not to help or to wish you happy birthday. I have an 11 year old. I would be really unimpressed with this behaviour. I wouldn’t keep apologising op, you’ve said sorry. If you keep apologising she’s going to think she’s done nothing wrong and you’ve done everything wrong.

PierceMorgansChin · 01/11/2023 14:28

I have a 10 year old and she is not allowed to just invite her friends without my knowledge and permission. Don't get me wrong, she tries! I'm surprised you glossed over this

Bobslug · 01/11/2023 14:37

I wouldn’t mind my kid inviting friends over without asking (though not on my birthday!), but I would not expect to do anything myself in terms of prep unless I had been asked nicely and it worked for me. At 11 she is capable of putting pizza in the oven etc. But don’t worry about the meltdown - you’ve taught her how to apologise!

Comedycook · 01/11/2023 14:44

I think you overreacted...but I also don't think it's a huge deal. You had a bad day ..it happens. In terms of your dd inviting friends over...she is still very young and is learning about socialising, what it entails, how to organise etc. She probably just got really excited and didn't think through the whole thing. Don't catastophise...you were upset, you dealt with it.

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