Too Good to Leave; Too Bad to Stay

[UpsideDownside]

I have recently read Too Good to Leave; Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum and I'd like to discuss it with other people who have read it.

In particular, I'd love to hear from anyone who read it and decided to stay. I think I'm looking for reassurance that it doesn't default lead you to a leaving decision!

Also happy to speak to "leavers".

I'm currently reading this but feel some of the chapters don't relate to my situation. Would you recommend to preserve or pick and choose ? I'm still undecided 🤷🏻‍♀️

I read the whole book. Some chapters didn't apply to me, but some I thought didn't apply but as I worked through the chapter there was a different slant to it.

I think the book is clear that a "too bad to stay" in any section probably means there's a big enough issue that you'd be happier leaving than staying. So there's bound to be chapters that don't apply (if there weren't, then things would surely be so awful you wouldn't need the book?

Some of the later chapters are about love and respect. I found those so helpful because they gave definition to intangible emotions.

I read it when newly married. My new husband seemed to think the deal was done and he could return to watching sport on TV almost every evening while I buzzed around providing dinner and making a nice home and being there for sex. I can't remember why the book led me to decide to stay but I did. I think because there wasn't something immediately dreadful like cruelty or infidelity perhaps. I wish I'd left though and I did, 7 miserable years later. Things got worse not better and I should have realised much sooner that it was time to give up.

I haven't read the book TBH. But I have been in a marriage where I was asking the question which subsequently ended. I wish I left years ago before it all went to shit. If you are at the stage of having to ask the question, I think something is wrong. And it's not always something you can fix alone.

I read 'women who love too much' just as my marriage was ending. It has helped me a great deal and I wish I read it about five years ago when I was still with STBXH.

People settle. Fear of the unknown. Laziness. They aren't happy and waste years

I read the book around 5 years ago. I found it hit home, on both sides, but ultimately it did force my hand after years of sitting still. The outcome was that we separated. Are now divorced.
I think despite chugging along okay, I knew there was more out there that I wanted from life. Even the good days were empty. And after the guilt ( I still feel pangs of guilt even now), I was happier than ever. A weight had been lifted.
Sorry I can't offer any advice on staying...

Thank you for all your replies. I found the book so helpful, though I cried along the way. I guess I am just scared that it might be phrased in a way that leads you more to one outcome than the other.

Looking at it again a few days later, I think the questions are neutrally posed rather than leading. Just coming to terms with the confirmation of what I already thought, I guess.

Onwards and upwards. Time to look at practicalities and line up some ducks

I read it and stayed. It made me realise there was something worth fighting for. Therapy a few years later helped me put in place boundaries that have addressed some of the bigger issues.

@Headchecked that is very reassuring to read. I felt like it validated my reasons for leaving, and didn't ask about anything that would make it worth staying. I wondered if that's because it was leave-biased, but maybe the things I think might be worth staying for just aren't the important things.

I worked through the book following infidelity in my marriage. At that time, I didn’t feel ready to leave. It clarified that I wasn’t.

Next time I read it around two years later, and the outcome was completely different and I realise that I have managed to disengage during that two year period. After that, I made plans to leave and did it when I was ready.

I would recommend it to anybody it was a massive help to me.

@Ilovetolurk that's very reassuring; that you came to one conclusion and then to the other when things had changed for you.

I feel like I've gone from a whirlwind of emotions to calm clarity. It feels hard to trust a book that caused that so quickly. Knowing others have seen similar, or indeed read it and decided to stay, helps me believe I haven't been brainwashed into a "leave" decision!

I feel like I've gone from a whirlwind of emotions to calm clarity. It feels hard to trust a book that caused that so quickly.

A book didn’t cause that.

Your own body, mind, spirit and subconscious seems to have aligned and resonated with some uncomfortable questions / answers raised that you may have been avoiding, denying or minimising.

It’s good to bring these feelings into consciousness (don’t worry too much about the thoughts - we can tell ourselves anything) - learn to tap into the truth which is your persistent gut feeling which needs to be revealed and uncovered from beneath the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).

Pay attention to you gut feelings over time - observe (don’t judge) in the happy times, bad times, indifferent times.

Then you will know.

And ask is my relationship bar what I can
tolerate or am I expecting kindness, respect and emotional nourishment?

@Gloriously what a lovely message, thank you

The relationship bar question you ask is exactly it. Things are "fine" but I want to feel seen and loved and cared for, and I don't. I wonder if it would be easier to be lonely if I didn't see a husband every day that can't make me feel seen and loved and cared for.

It is a total nightmare that he can't help me feel seen and loved and cared for, because we're good together in so many ways

Have you told him specifically what you need and desire and what it would look like in behaviour from him - and how much pain you feel when it doesn’t happen?

Then he knows exactly what’s important to you - and the impact when he doesn’t. Then you will know if he cares enough to attend to your needs - or if he doesn’t give a F - or if he isn’t capable.

@Gloriously I haven't told him what would help because I don't know how to. I don't know how to describe the actions that would make me feel good, and if I did and he then did then it would feel like he's just following instructions! And issuing instructions on how to make me feel cared for feels like yet another thing for me to do; another responsibility to add to my list. Makes me feel anything bit cared for tbh.

Another thing that makes me reluctant to even start trying to teach him to show affection is that I am hurt by (many) times in the past where he hasn't been there for me when he should have been. Again, I could have said "look I need you to be with me right now as I am hideously vulnerable and scared and drowning; please sit with me and put your arm around me and say kind and reassuring words to me", but at those times when you really need someone, you generally don't have the energy to be prescribing the precise nature of support you need? I'm talking about some quite big things, where it just didn't occur to him to think of me (?), put me first (?), reassure me in any way. Just an assumption that I'd get on with it, and I did. But it leaves me years and years later in a place where I don't feel important to him or cared for by him even though he says I am.

Did you stay ? Or leave ?

I read this book when deciding to leave my ex DH and found it immensely helpful in clarifying all the thoughts swirling in my brain. I especially remember the question, "was the relationship ever really good?" And I had to admit to myself that even in the beginning I had doubts and disappointments that never got resolved. There was another question too about whether your partner stonewalls and it really resonated with me. I've recommended it several times since to people going through the "on the one hand X is bad but on the other hand Y is good" conundrum.