Please tell me it’s going be ok

[Sadsammy18]

Hi there, I’m new to this but have been reading threads for ages. I know there is great support on here and really need a friend.

Im in a abusive relationship…….and I have nowhere to turn. I knew it was abusive from around 8 years ago but that was when I told myself this, this abuse actually started from the beginning I was just so stupid to realise. I’ve been with dh for 15 years. I have 3 beautiful kids and they are my world. Im trapped in a relationship and can’t see any way out.

he is verbally abusive…..name calling such as bitch,slag, cow, dumb etc. he has hit me several times in the past but not in about 6 years I reckon so that’s improved. Mentally messing with my head, calling me crazy telling me I’ve done stuff when I haven’t. Finally keeping me away from money, making me question every decision I do. I can’t go out without his permission, he is a psycho and he has said many times if I ever left him he would do jail time

I’ve lost everyone around me because of him. I don’t have no family as they broke it off with me when I got with him so it’s just me him and the kids. Everyone could see it except me!

so here I am, I don’t know what I expect from here but just wanted to know I’m not alone. Just need a friend especially today as he’s really gave me a hard time today.

I dream of leaving one day but I guess you got to be brave to do that and I don’t have it in me.

thanks for reading x

He’s depressed. I can see hate in his eyes for me then why still be with me? Why not leave me? I’m praying for the day he meets somebody and leaves me. Honestly that would be the best day of my life

I know he messages women on his phone and probably cheats on me several times. He thinks I don’t know yet I can’t confront him as he will get abusive and might lead to him hitting me which I’m scared of.

When I say hitting, I just want to make it clear it wasnt black eyes.more slaps, twisting my arm and busted lips here and there. the physically wasn’t as bad as the abuse I get now as once he hit me, he was lovely the next couple of days. Crazy right?

Call the police and report the abusive twat. Also speak to women's aid, I've heard good things about them.
Does he or you work? Who's name is the house in?

We are renting and it’s on my name only as he said he couldn’t get it on his name

I went on the live chat woman aid yday and spoke to a lovely lady. She gave me a few numbers to call and I’m terrified

Get on to Women's Aid. You need to leave this relationship as soon as you can.

Will your family help you if you tell them you're finishing with him?

Good the rental is in your name.

How can I be in this situation? How stupid have a been

You say you need to be brave to do this.

You don't, really.

What you need to be is protective. Can you find it in yourself to stop this happening in front of your kids? Can you find it in yourself to not let this be their model for how relationships should be?

Do you want your daughter to be in a relationship like this? Because she is learning that that is all she can expect or deserve.

Do you you want your son to be like this? Because he is learning that that is all women deserve.

I get that it appears to you to be impossible. But it's very possible. Other people do this every day.

hes clever he never does it in front of the kids, I probably are stupid to think they don’t know because in my heart they must know. They give me the best cuddles x

Oh, they know.

I’ve not had experience of Women’s Aid, but many MNetters have so can give you more info there.

However, I was in an abusive marriage for over 22 years and it is possible to leave and build a good life for you and your DCs. I’ve been out of it for 20 years and am now remarried to a wonderful, kind and gentle man.

For me, I first started by refusing to keep his secret about what he did and I started to tell people. I’d been so ashamed and thought people would tell me it was my fault and I deserved everything he did.
I told a friend at work first, then close personal family members and other friends. This gave me a support network and took away some of my fear and denial because they had mostly realised things were bad and wanted me to work it out too. (If you reached out to your family would they be pleased you’d seen the light?)

After that I started to imagine what my life would be like without him in my home, and started to work out what I would need to live independently of him. I was lucky and had a good job; friends encouraged me to seek legal advice so I knew what my rights were and how the process of separation and divorce worked. If you don’t have the same situation with work then I think Women’s aid will be able to help you access other forms of help. If you can, do factor in returning to the workplace at some point as it can make such a difference not just for income but to offer new friendships and other support networks, not to mention the boost to your self-esteem from earning your own money.

The big clincher for me was to model better behaviours for my DCs so they didn’t think this was how adults behave within a marriage.

I absolutely dreaded telling my DH it was over but I can honestly say that the moment I’d told him it was over and I wanted a divorce, the sense of relief was incredible.

That’s not to say it was all plain sailing from there on, but it was so totally worth it and have never regretted it for a moment.

Good luck - you can get through this.

I’m so pleased that you’ve posted on here and spoke to WA.

This is the first step to getting out!

Can you explain more about your circumstances?
Why can’t you leave or kick him out?

How old are your kids?

I’m really concerned that your kids have grown up in an abusive home and it’s so important that they get out asap.
Not only does it cause them trauma but they’re more likely to end up in an abusive relationship too, which I’m sure they’d hate.

Obviously you are scared of him.
If you were to tell him to leave, would you have a friend or family member who is able to stay with you?

Do you have your own money?

You are NOT stupid OP. And you will get out of this. You've already started reaching out for support and that's a brave step in itself.

thanks for all your kind words. Today I’m really struggling the name calling and just telling me no one else will want me is just draining.
I can’t imagine to even tell anyone what’s going on as I’ve kept this up for so long! I can’t kick him out as he knows everyone in the area and make my life hell. I certainly couldn’t sit him down and tell him I want him out as my life will be in danger

He has his own business so works whatever hours he wants. He can be upstairs for days just demanding food while I juggle school runs, housework, cooking and everything else he needs me do. Honestly I’m just tierd!! I just want to be happy

I haven’t spoken to family in years. I don’t have social media as he won’t let me. He use to check my phone but that’s recently stopped as he looked stupid when he could never find anything on it.

My heart breaks reading your updates. He will never change and this will never get better.
Your kids will know, mine did when I went through it.
The house is in your name which is great as it means he has no right to be there, the police can remove him if need be. It doesn't matter how many people he knows in the area, they don't know the real him and the police can stop him contacting you or coming anywhere near you.
You've already done the hardest bit which is to reach out

Women's Aid were brilliant for me. Firstly they believed me when I thought no-one would as I had no broken bones or bruises at the time. That on its own is powerful stuff.

I was supported to get a court injunction against him - he kept breaking in to my house.

They then sourced counseling. Two years.

I did the freedom programme which was difficult but I felt supported.

I had a worker who attended court and other meetings with me to advocate.

Finally I was able to move with their support and had a police awareness if I called if someone was outside.

They are brilliant. You can really do this! Your life is so similar to mine but the difference can be huge although I'll never bother with a relationship ever again.