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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Craving space after DP moved in

11 replies

offred1 · 31/10/2023 16:16

NCd for obvious reasons.

DP of 2 years. I have one DD from a previous relationship - they adore each other. Ex was abusive and is not on the scene. Have had lots of therapy, done freedom programme, worked very hard on myself. All good. Great job, a thriving DD, lots of friends etc.

DP moved in 3 months ago. A bit quicker than I would've preferred but it made sense. He's fantastic around the house - cleans, tidies, can cook. I have zero complaints.

However.

I am really struggling with the lack of space and me time. My job is full on and I often work late into the night 9/10pm after DD has gone to bed.

DP gets in around 8pm, just after she goes to bed and I am really struggling with finishing work at 5, doing the mum thing for 3 hours, then him coming in, being affectionate, wanting to chat, dinner etc when I've done breakfast club, drop off, logged on from 8, worked all day, played etc etc when I've still got emails coming in/deadlines to finish. I work in an industry which pays incredibly well and this is part of the job. I have zero complaints with this and love my job.

Before he moved in, I would work late a couple of nights, spend a couple of nights with him and then have a couple to myself - bath, phone a friend, early night with a book etc. Very quiet time.

He is so lovely and really wants to spend all his time just adoring me - nothing is ever too much trouble. If I say to him "I need an early night" he will pop in with snacks, a hot water bottle, a cup of tea, talk to me to make sure there's nothing on my mind. There's not! I'm just exhausted, I just want to be alone for a bit!! Or even worse, suggest that he reads his book with me too. If I say no, it's never an issue but I feel like I've banished him to the other room and feel awful. I feel like such a bitch!

From my end, it was so much better when we had a few nights apart a week. I've encouraged him to go out, socialise, see his friends, go to the gym etc but he just wants to constantly spend this time with me!

I really don't know what to do or how to handle this. I hate the thought of hurting his feelings, particularly as he is so lovely and genuinely wants to just love me. Help!!

OP posts:
LyricalGangsta · 31/10/2023 16:19

DP and I now live apart and I love it.
What job do you have or is it too outing?

PaminaMozart · 31/10/2023 16:24

Tell him!!

He is not a mind reader and clearly doesn't get the clues you are giving him.

If he doesn't take it well - which seems unlikely given how you describe him - you'll have an idea of whether him staying might be in your best interest.

Original poster
offred1 · 31/10/2023 16:43

@LyricalGangsta does that work for you well? This is my dream scenario.

I'd prefer not to say but management role within sales/trading type industry.

OP posts:
flipperdoda · 31/10/2023 16:49

You just have to tell him. It's probably worse now than it will be once you both settle into a routine of you having space frequently, because you haven't had that space for a while!

Also if you ask for space and he gives it, try not to beat yourself up and feel bad as it's completely counterproductive - I know this is easier said than done but it does work with practice.

CalistoNoSolo · 31/10/2023 16:57

Move him back out again. You've moved him in too fast, especially with a child in the mix (and i doubt your dd adores him as much as you think she does).

I also think that he's still 'on probation' and on his best behaviour. It wouldn't at all suprise me if he gets resentful and starts trying to throw his weight around in a few months. Your set up of seeing him a couple of nights a week suited you and your dd perfectly. Why did he have to move in so quickly?

AnOldCynic · 31/10/2023 17:27

Why did him moving in make sense? Financial? If so you need to see it as having sacrificed some of your space for a lower living cost.

Personally I don't think I could live with anyone full time again. Or maybe I've not found someone who doesn't do my head in...

Dappledsunlight · 31/10/2023 22:12

It's natural you might be craving some space. He may be considerate etc, but you don't have to take on all the responsibility about this issue. He may need to learn your needs include wanting some space. Perhaps he needs this explained to him, ie, to give you space to breathe. He sounds caring but perhaps over dependent and you seem to be feeling a bit suffocated by his behaviour and guilty into the bargain for feeling this way.

Mother87 · 31/10/2023 23:13

You HAVE to tell him/rearrange stuff a bit... DH & I have two houses - been together/married 20+ years but I 'needed' to separate 3 years ago. Obvs a lot wasn't 'right' for me.... We worked thru a lot of stuff/not always easy/but - more cohesive now in a lot of ways. He stays over 'by invitation' prob 6/7 nights a week anyway, but we both enjoy our own space. Do everything together (holiday/business stuff/babysitting) so we consider ourselves "totally married" but more boundaries in place (mine) Not for everyone - and we have some of the same ups/downs as before but totally there for each other/don't want anyone else...

Symphony830 · 31/10/2023 23:16

I was in a similar situation.

I’m quite independent so when mine moved in, I regretted it almost immediately as he spent all his time fawning over me.

Having a manservant was okay for a bit. It was the hanging around I wasn’t keen on!

Some people love to be treated like this and placed on a pedestal, but it made me soooo claustrophobic and underneath this people-pleasing persona was someone masking deep insecurities and low self esteem.

GrumpyPanda · 31/10/2023 23:22

Adjoining flats work really well for some people I know. Or in the case of another couple, each of them has their own living room. Coupled obviously with the willingness to give each other space - but it's so much easier when there's the physical space to accommodate that.

Saggypants · 31/10/2023 23:26

How did he spend his nights alone when you were living apart? If he didn't have any hobbies or social life of his own and was just mooching about his house wasn't it obvious that's what he'd be doing in your house? If you loved those nights on your own, how did you foresee that working once he moved in?

It all sounds a bit rushed and not well thought out. A 'back off and leave me alone' conversation is going to be very difficult to have without causing offence!

Is it possible this is just an adjustment phase for you both, and over time he will calm down a bit but you'll also get used to having company again? Or is it bad enough that you need to speak up now?

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