Is it better to be formal or frank in relationships to get respect from your partner?

[User210903]

Engagement: When we were engaged I was less emotional/less attached and to some degree I kept things formal between us and I really liked that because I felt there was alot more respect and understanding between us and my philosophy was that when you start becoming really frank with each other, then it's harder to regain the respect back for each other.

One year of marriage: We became frank with each other, more emotionally attached, more blatant jokes with each other but I noticed when we argued during our engagement the level of respect was still there, the value of each other was still there but when we started becoming too informal/frank with each other it became more blunt in arguments too resulting in lack of respect.

Am I reading too much into this?

I also feel like somewhere down the line I have become too playful in my marriage e.g. playful jokes, twisting his ear, jumping into his arms, almost childlike and I do it because I think being too serious all the time takes away the fun in a marriage. But in a twisted way I feel like he treats me more like a kid and less like a woman/lady...

How do I get my respect back?

All if this reads strange to me. It’s as if you are describing some sort of robotic interactions.

What do you mean by respect that is lost?
And what does it mean by becoming frank in a relationship vs being formal??

It seems like you married each other not really knowing each other’s personality?

Not sure how to read the - ‘we were formal and not emotionally close’ at engagement stage.
And having spent time together and actually getting to know each other - something isn’t working?

Was that an arranged marriage?

I don't know whether you live with each other or not, but when people start to cohabiting the whole relationship dynamics change.

It's like with family, when people you live with start being too comfortable with each other to a degree of it almost being too much, there's almost a loss of boundaries of sort.

Don't let your own social life dwindle. Try to maintain your support system and see them in person every so often.

I think you should just be yourself. If he doesn’t respect you, that’s a different issue but it depends what you mean by respect?

Is English your first language and are you culturally British?

I think that affects how well you know each other after marriage.

Respect should always be there, alongside fun. I suggest counselling to help you communicate better and explore how you feel.

It sounds as though he has become less respectful and is taking you for granted, and you are assuming that’s because of increased intimacy. I’m not sure they are connected.

I agree with @pickledandpuzzled that increased intimacy doesn't necessarily correlate with being taken for granted.

What do you think? Does any of this help or resonate with your situation?

I ask my partners to only speak or write to me in formal Victorian English, as, like you, I believe that excessive familiarity leads to lack of respect. I must be doing something right, because I am only 30, and I have had 27 partners since I was 18.

I’m curious what you mean by ‘respect’

Absolutely correct. I do the same but I feel that using a quill and ink on parchment is a superior solution.
it weeds out all the cads and blagards.
It weeds out everyone actually.
very effective!

I understand
i like a degree of formality in a disgreement to stop it spiralling....but jumping into his arms is normal, just affection?

coukd it be he takes you for granted after marriage?