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Original poster

Getting over the humiliation

10 replies

Thehumiliatedfish · 31/10/2023 12:59

I will try to keep this brief. STBXH and I separated in the summer. Had been together for 21 years, married 14. Two primary aged kids. Our relationship had been very bumpy over the ten years since we had kids. Having kids highlighted a lot of preexisting issues that are common on MN (I carried all the mental load, housework etc). I had a lot of resentment for feeling like I had 3 kids. He had difficulty thinking of anyone but himself etc.

This summer he had a weird spell of a couple of weeks before telling me he didn't love me anymore. Thanks to MN I was wise to the script and always kind of suspected there was someone else. He swore not. We separated. It was difficult living on my own, but I have finally felt like I was at a point of thriving. I've done a lot of reflection, can see the issues that were always there in our relationship, and am enjoying living on my own with the kids, having control of everything in my life etc.

When STBXH moved out he went to live with someone as a 'lodger'. Now a few things about this person who he's living with have never added up TBH. Little tit bits he and the kids feed back etc have all led me to conclude they're in a relationship. I've always kind of know but buried my head in the sand IYSWIM. Yesterday, he was dropping kids off and I spotted her picture on his phone lockscreen while he showed me something on his phone. He quickly tried to hide it but I saw. Didn't say anything cos of the kids being there etc.

It probably sounds ridiculous but this has put me right back to square one. I feel hurt and humiliated that he was probably cheating on me or a best has dumped me for her. There are a lot of things I look back on now in our relationship and suspect he's cheated before or there's been something going on for a while. I feel like an idiot that I kind of knew but was never brave enough to leave myself. It just hurts so much to think that the person who I loved and who I thought loved me the most was so fucking heartless. It's left me doubting and questioning relationships with others. Are they just pretending to like me like he did?!

How do I get over this?! I'm already having counselling and doing a lot of self help work etc. I don't have a huge social circle around me TBH and am too embarrassed to talk to people who know us both IRL anyway.

OP posts:
TheSpikySpinosaurus · 31/10/2023 13:04

Look, this is not on you. It's him. He's the one who should be feeling embarrassed for cheating. You have nothing to feel embarrassed about.

Just be glad you have separated from him and you can start a new chapter of your life!

Gloriously · 31/10/2023 13:15

You are in emotional shock right now and your body and mind will be working overtime to process this.

Allow yourself to feel whatever comes up - shock, numb, anger, confusion - even the humiliation - it’s not yours to hold but it’s telling you something.

This is a profound impact on what you thought your life was - honour that - you must be blind sided.

In the end you will just add another character default (liar, cheat, gaslighter) to the long list you already have.

Antst · 31/10/2023 13:27

@TheSpikySpinosaurus is absolutely right. You have nothing to feel ashamed of. We should trust our partners. It wouldn't be a healthy relationship if you had been suspicious and doing detective work.

This is on him.

You said you don't have a large social circle. I wonder if that's somehow making you think you don't deserve a decent partner? I can't tell whether you've dumped him or not. Please do dump him. Now that you do know what he's like, it sounds so unhealthy to worry about what he may be up to behind your back.

If I were you, I would use this time to define what you want out of a relationship. For example, participation as far as housework, faithfulness, etc. Make sure those boundaries are concrete in your head before you get into another relationship and don't ever relax them.

Original poster
Thehumiliatedfish · 31/10/2023 13:28

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 31/10/2023 13:04

Look, this is not on you. It's him. He's the one who should be feeling embarrassed for cheating. You have nothing to feel embarrassed about.

Just be glad you have separated from him and you can start a new chapter of your life!

I know you are right. He is the one who has done wrong. But I can't help but feel like lots of people knew but said nothing. And I now also wonder who else is lying to me.

The most frustrating thing is he won't be honest with me even if I ask.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thehumiliatedfish · 31/10/2023 13:30

Gloriously · 31/10/2023 13:15

You are in emotional shock right now and your body and mind will be working overtime to process this.

Allow yourself to feel whatever comes up - shock, numb, anger, confusion - even the humiliation - it’s not yours to hold but it’s telling you something.

This is a profound impact on what you thought your life was - honour that - you must be blind sided.

In the end you will just add another character default (liar, cheat, gaslighter) to the long list you already have.

There is already a long list of character flaws TBH. But I always kind of hoped cheat was not one.

OP posts:
TheSpikySpinosaurus · 31/10/2023 13:36

I know you are right. He is the one who has done wrong. But I can't help but feel like lots of people knew but said nothing. And I now also wonder who else is lying to me.

The most frustrating thing is he won't be honest with me even if I ask.

Ah, that is frustrating.

Do you really think that other people knew and kept quiet?

Would it be possible to ask a close friend, in confidence? It might just be your paranoia allowing you to think that.

You can't force someone to tell you something. All you can do, I guess, it's to accept what has happened (counselling might help) and move on, taking one day at a time.

It might help if you listed all the good things about your life now compared to your life with your ex?

I wish you all the best.

And remember: recovery isn't linear. So one day you might feel great then another day you might feel like shit. Be kind to yourself.

Original poster
Thehumiliatedfish · 31/10/2023 13:41

Antst · 31/10/2023 13:27

@TheSpikySpinosaurus is absolutely right. You have nothing to feel ashamed of. We should trust our partners. It wouldn't be a healthy relationship if you had been suspicious and doing detective work.

This is on him.

You said you don't have a large social circle. I wonder if that's somehow making you think you don't deserve a decent partner? I can't tell whether you've dumped him or not. Please do dump him. Now that you do know what he's like, it sounds so unhealthy to worry about what he may be up to behind your back.

If I were you, I would use this time to define what you want out of a relationship. For example, participation as far as housework, faithfulness, etc. Make sure those boundaries are concrete in your head before you get into another relationship and don't ever relax them.

We have mutually dumped each other! He moved out in the summer. But we still haven't instigated the divorce yet. Largely due to having to put money towards other stuff than hanging onto anything emotionally.

Unfortunately we need to see each other more than I would like due to collecting and dropping off the kids. There have also been meetings with school etc. I also want to be civil for the kids. But TBH I would prefer to never see him again.

I think you have touched a nerve with this one. I do feel a bit like I don't deserve friendship/relationships. I've done a lot of work on myself and know that I've got a lot of problems from my own childhood (emotionally inept mother etc). Is anxious attachment the term? The book women who love too much really helped me see that. My marriage was one of the few 'good' relationships I've had (other than that with my kids) and even that was a lie.

It does make me feel worthless and unlovable TBH.

I can see a lot now of what I don't want in a relationship, but TBH I don't see how anyone could want me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thehumiliatedfish · 31/10/2023 13:48

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 31/10/2023 13:36

I know you are right. He is the one who has done wrong. But I can't help but feel like lots of people knew but said nothing. And I now also wonder who else is lying to me.

The most frustrating thing is he won't be honest with me even if I ask.

Ah, that is frustrating.

Do you really think that other people knew and kept quiet?

Would it be possible to ask a close friend, in confidence? It might just be your paranoia allowing you to think that.

You can't force someone to tell you something. All you can do, I guess, it's to accept what has happened (counselling might help) and move on, taking one day at a time.

It might help if you listed all the good things about your life now compared to your life with your ex?

I wish you all the best.

And remember: recovery isn't linear. So one day you might feel great then another day you might feel like shit. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 31/10/2023 14:08

I highly recommend the book overcoming low self esteem. It was an absolute game changer for me.

Antst · 31/10/2023 17:18

Thehumiliatedfish · 31/10/2023 13:41

We have mutually dumped each other! He moved out in the summer. But we still haven't instigated the divorce yet. Largely due to having to put money towards other stuff than hanging onto anything emotionally.

Unfortunately we need to see each other more than I would like due to collecting and dropping off the kids. There have also been meetings with school etc. I also want to be civil for the kids. But TBH I would prefer to never see him again.

I think you have touched a nerve with this one. I do feel a bit like I don't deserve friendship/relationships. I've done a lot of work on myself and know that I've got a lot of problems from my own childhood (emotionally inept mother etc). Is anxious attachment the term? The book women who love too much really helped me see that. My marriage was one of the few 'good' relationships I've had (other than that with my kids) and even that was a lie.

It does make me feel worthless and unlovable TBH.

I can see a lot now of what I don't want in a relationship, but TBH I don't see how anyone could want me.

Show quote history

It is completely normal for functional, kind adults to find themselves without close friends at some point. People move away, they get busy. It happens. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you.

It just means that you should try your best to find time to socialize. Join meetup.com. If there are any groups you can take your kids to where you can meet other mothers, do that. Maybe you'll find you just don't have time right now to make many friends, but as the kids get older, things will calm down. The key is to never give up. Always look for events you can attend to get out of the house and meet other people. It will happen.

You sound normal and sensible and nice, and even if you weren't, many really awful people are in relationships! There is no such thing as being unlovable! It sounds like you've had a rough time. You're probably overwhelmed with the changes in your relationship and responsibilities. In my opinion, you need to see this time as a recovery period. Don't put pressure on yourself to have a new relationship or friends. Just focus on feeling better and adjusting.

You had bad luck with this relationship but there are nice men out there. You can afford to have high standards. Good luck!

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