I just don't fancy him :(

[Karev]

I've been with my DH for 15 years. We've been through a lot together and always got through as a team. Our sex life has never been great, he has a lower drive than me, so I would initiate 90% of the sex we had.

This past year though, although I am in the mood for sex, the idea of sex with him is a turn off.

How can I get past this??

Have you discussed it with him?

Presumably he would rather be with someone who fancies him?

How do you want to 'get past' it?

Leave.

Sounds a bit hopeless as a sexual relationship OP?

Neither of you want to sleep with each other?

Is there a way to remain friends, break up, and give yourself the chance to meet someone who you fancy and fancies you?

We've had lots of discussions but things always end up the same!

I've said he deserves to be with someone that fancies him but he wants to work on it.

Past it - resolve it, move forward.

I don't want to divorce, I want to fancy him again.

What is it that's turning you off exactly?

It's quite difficult to switch attraction back on once it's switched off, but if it's something he can potentially do something about (bad beard, gained weight, poor hygiene, not doing enough around the house, whatever) then it's definitely fixable.

If it's his lack of interest in sex/low drive that's turning you off that's harder to deal with.

If it's some indefinable thing that's just a feeling, even harder!

He'd like occasional sex (once a month) but my drive is a bit higher, once a week would be great. My drive is still there, but I just don't want sex with him. Its like a switch has flicked off.

With sex once a month, his needs were met 100% but mine were only met 25%.

I just don't want sex with him at all now.
We've been through too much to split up - he very much wants to stay married, sex or no sex.

What is it that you don't fancy about him? You don't find him physically attractive? Or his personality is a turn off?

To be honest, I don't think it's something you can get back. Once you've lost that attraction to someone it's almost impossible to get it back. You should leave for both your sakes.

It seems from your posts that you still love and care about him- it's just the sexual chemistry aspect that's missing..

Do you get any time together where you go on dates and get dressed up etc? I think it's really easy when you have small children and demanding jobs and the daily grind it's easy to just fall into room mate status without even realising it happened.

I'd suggest to him that it might be fun to try to bring more of an adult spark back into your relationship without putting pressure on it (I have a lower sex drive and when I feel pressure to perform it is a real turn off for me). Arrange a date night, get dressed up and go out and if you've kids get them babysat so you can continue the date at home if possible. Dh and I made a 'fuckit' list and just thought up things we wanted to try that seemed like fun or that we wanted to do more of. Then we just had fun experimenting. Would your dh be open to something like that if you suggest it as a fun idea rather than something heavy that needs to be fixed?
On an aside, I'm wondering if there's anything that is making you feel differently about him. Do you feel generally supported by him? Is he taking reasonable care of himself? Is he making effort to appreciate you?

All those things go a long way to making a man attractive. I'm not sure I agree with others who've said its a lost cause, but you can't work on this alone - you both need to meet each other half way. So he needs to step it up and woo you, and you need to step back and let him instead of initiating as much. But if he doesn't step up, then you need to make the decision for yourself about what you want to do.

You'll never get it back. You probably don't find him sexually attractive because you've been making do with the odd sub-par shag and mentally/emotionally you've had enough. You have three choices. Stay and put up with crap/no sex until you die; stay and have an affair; leave. It's really that simple.

I think you can get it back, but it requires lots of painful, brutally honest effort from both sides. Is he willing to do this along with you? Are you willing and able to get some professional support?

It seems like you have and an issue and tried to raise it but he hasn't really met you half way and now you are pulling away as your needs are not being met. To be honest I can't see any incentive in your situation for him to change.

Thank you for your post - it's hard to say, I think psychologically there's definitely an element of resentment. Also, he's not as adventurous as I am, so sex is very routine.

Also, and apologies for the overshare - sex can be uncomfortable for me, despite lubrication/condoms. He's not great with foreplay and certain things 'gross' him out (like oral sex) he usually wants penetration before I'm ready.

To orgasm, I have to touch myself during sex. I couldn't orgasm with just penetration, and he doesn't like touching me much. Or isn't confident? So I feel like I may as well just sort myself out and he can sort himself out!

We've spoken about all of this and talk about being more explorative, toys, foreplay, then we have sex and it goes no further. It's like as soon as we've had sex again he thinks 'right, that's fixed'.

I should say, I've long suspected he's autistic. Not diagnosed but it would make a lot of things make sense.

The other thing I can think of is that he's put weight on, which physically doesn't bother me at all, but he's started snoring and despite earplugs he disturbs my sleep. Not sexy. Opposite of sexy. Ragey.

Thanks very much for your reply - I think you're right. It's been years of his needs being met and mine not, and years and years of empty words from his side. And exactly as you say, what's his incentive?

I've made lots of effort. I just find his lack of passion a huge turn off now.

He'd be 100% willing to work on it, I just wonder if it's unfair to hope for change when it's just how he is? He'll say that he'll make effort but he doesn't know how to make that effort.

He’s a selfish, poor quality lover who’s happy to have painful sex with you - no wonder you’ve lost interest and no longer fancy him. It’s remarkable you still love him after 15 years of this.

Physically he's attractive and he has a great personality. He makes me laugh every day, I'm the most important thing to him - he's very much a good friend and we've got through some hellish times.

It's just the sexual chemistry/passion - he used to blame his job and being tired but that's not the issue anymore.

It is like being roommates. I've told him so many times that the lack of sex unfortunately makes it feel like a friendship, but nothing ever changed or didn't change for long.

After years of this, now when he does try to initiate, I'm not interested.

Recommended on here is a Podcast, Postcards from Midlife. In one episode they interview Ruth Ramsay.

https://www.postcardsfrommidlife.com/podcastepisodes/midlife-sex-how-to-reignite-the-spark-upgrade-your-love-life

There's a fascinating approach she attributes to Esther Perel.

She says that just as following an affair, or even to repair a relationship, one option is to renegotiate a brand new relationship.

Don't try to replicate the items you have missed, but discuss the basis for a new form of relationship if, and only if, you can find something you both want to find attractive in each other.

Now, in many ways this relationship sounds one-sided and you might not be able to find a future. So this isn't guaranteed, but it's an option to fix it you'd like to invest that.

Another option would be swinging

I've said he deserves to be with someone that fancies him but he wants to work on it

How is he suggesting that you each 'work on it', and how does he suggest that you 'work on it' as a couple?

What have been his ideas so far, and why haven't they worked?

Ask him for an open marriage.
Nothing will fix this between you.

Do you feel desired by him? If you feel unwanted, I'm not surprised he's a turn off to you. Your body is telling you something, maybe you need to listen.

You say he doesn't like oral sex because it's "gross" or touching you much and attempts penetration when you're not ready, that you've discussed these things with him and it makes no difference- but also that he'd be 100% willing to work on it? It sounds like he has major hang ups about sex and doesn't see it as his role to pleasure you.

I may have got this wrong but honestly it doesn't sound like there's much hope you can reinvigorate this relationship if this is accurate. Your feelings of being turned off by him reflect the low quality and infrequency of the sex you have had with him. Attraction, apart from initial stages, doesn't arise in a vacuum, divorced from your experience with him.

You can definitely try to change things using therapy, games, date nights etc, but he has to also want to change and that doesn't seem likely.

Well I don't know how you've lasted this long, he sounds a very poor and limited lover and now you don't fancy him, unsurprisingly. By the end with my exhusband I didn't really fancy him either but he knew what he was doing so we did continue to have an OK sex life. I personally am of the 'when it's gone it's gone' school of attraction because it's usually gone due to a whole host of reasons, many of which we may not even be conscious of. I also find living with another person really hard and my natural state is probably singledom....but good sex is one of the main pleasures of coupledom. Absent illness, disability etc., f I didn't have that - I definitely would be much less likely to put up with the other compromises involved.