How to hold myself together with relationship ending

[TempestTost]

I've been seeing someone for almost a year. It's been good, and there's been real affection and friendship on both sides, apart from the relationship element.

It's probably coming to an end, I can see the writing on the wall with it. It was never likely to work long term, he probably isn't entirely capable of that kind of sustained relationship. As long as I've known him he dated a few women at any one time, and usually only for a short time, and there was never any kind of commitment, he's always been mainly transactional in that sense. Our relationship has been somewhat unique in his experience in that he wasn't seeing anyone else and we spent a lot of time together doing things, and there is something there he hasn't had before. Which I've enjoyed watching him enjoy.

Realistically I've always known this isn't likely to be a permanent situation, even his closest relationships with his family are long distance, although solid. He's an older man and the idea that his emotional capacities and habits would change that much at his age is slim.

Emotionally, I'm still madly in love with him and he's been my constant companion for the past year and a friend longer than that. I can see he's pulling away now from the relationship element, and I think he would like me to end it. My guess is he's craving more excitement, or has met someone new and wants to pursue that, or he may just be starting to feel obligated in a way that's too much for him.

My problem is that I am scared to death i'm going to fall apart. I can think about it quite rationally, I understand how his mind works and I know it's not actually personal, and I still like him very much. I went into it knowing that it wouldn't be a long term thing, mainly a bit of fun with someone I liked, although it ended up being much more than that, which perhaps is part of the problem. My whole body and mind hurts, and I don't know how I am going to appear normal. I have kids and a job, and I have to function. I am increasingly in a panic attack kind of state.

I am not sure what I'm expecting here. Maybe I just need to talk about it a bit because I don't have anyone I can talk to, but I guess I am also asking how people get through this kind of emotion without going crazy. I have a hard time with strong emotions at the best of times, I am usually very rational and even, I feel like I'm out of my depth.

How do you know this is how he feels? Have you spoken to him about it? A year is a long time… especially when you say that he has only had very fleeting relationships before.

I think you'd be best off just ripping off the plaster. The anticipation of a breakup is nearly always the worst part.

I'm wondering if you can look into why you feel this way. Most of us would be really hurt if our relationships ended, but why are you feeling that it would be particularly devastating, before you're even sure that it's happening? What's made you come to us to discuss it, rather than him? What do you think he would say, and how do you know?

In short, what is it that you're scared of about talking to him and about the relationship ending?

I agree. You should be the one to break up with him. If he is pulling away and becoming more distant, he probably is doing it so you are the one to end things. Cowardice on his part! That and he probably doesn't want to hurt you.

I was once with a guy like this. Towards the end the constant hot and cold drive me crazy! These men fear commitment. They are in love with falling in love, anything past that initial stage they are just not that interested in.

Yes, I have had the ripping off the plaster thought myself. The anticipation is probably worse, you are right.

I need to talk to him about it, but we've both been working opposite shifts the last few weeks, and we've had fairly short meetings. It hasn't always been possible to really talk at all, It was one of those short discussions that made me start to think things were kind of going wrong. I probably should have probed more at the time but I am not always quick thinking about things like this. He's also not always the most forthcoming, and we sometimes have to dig a bit to get to things, we don't have the same cradle language and our backgrounds are really different.

So I'm second guessing myself a lot. It's possible I have totally misinterpreted things. Is he being hot and cold, or is it just me being anxious, I can't tell. There are a lot of things going on with work, etc and I don't know what is a factor really.

I guess my worry is that if I talk to him, and it doesn't go well, I'll have to cope, and I am not sure I am going to. I mean, eventually I know I'll recover. I have my kids and my work. But I am going to miss him like crazy, and I'll see him around, and tbh I feel kind of sick just thinking about it. I haven't really had an experience of being this emotionally affected like this before. Maybe that is strange for someone past 45?

It may well be he wants me to make the decision to break it off, if that's what's going on. He would think that was the right thing to do.