Uncontrollably shaking when talking about EA XH

[Borris]

Has anyone else has this?

I left my emotionally abusive but non physical XH for the final time nearly 6 years ago. I thought I had rebuilt my life and generally feel good about myself. However the thought of dating fills me with dread - but I've been living my best single life and am very happy.

Last night my XHs last girlfriend appeared at my door. I do vaguely know her so not totally odd. They split up a few months ago and he had clearly been EA to her, and so wanted to talk to me about my life with him (surprisingly similar)

I was happy to talk to her but the whole time I was uncontrollably shaking.

Does this mean I'm not over the abuse? Or is it a normal response?

Im no psychologist but Id say it’s a normal reaction similar to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)?
If you don’t have to interact with the visiting woman again or any of his other females (or connections) then maybe it will never happen again. On the other hand maybe you're repressing a lot of trauma which needs venting with a therapist?
Only you know what you want or need to do.
Try not to worry or analyse your reaction too much. Take your time and see what will be most comfortable for you if you decide to purge in some way.
All the best OP. Stay strong. Seems like you’re doing really well.

They emotionally attack you and your body recognises it as an attack and gets the violent shakes. Seems like being near someone linked to him or being reminded of those times brings up the same reaction. As pp said, a sort of ptsd.

However...if you were wary of her or uncomfirtable around her I'd maybe take that as a warning. She may have left him but what if she gets roped back in? She is potentially a threat too in that case. Even though she might be a nice person who went through what you did, I'd refer her to a therapist for support. Not try to be her friend. Because she's not healthy for you. An could even be a threat if she went back to him and shared what you told her in confidence. Maybe your body was warning you of that.

Im exactly the same! Going through court with ex and had first hearing a month ago. Started out ok then got the shakes cos of her being there, telling lies and we’ll…just being herself. I think it’s perfectly natural after experiencing something so shocking. Just be glad you’re six years out and they don’t crop up that much any more.

Thanks all for responding. I generally am doing really well so I think this threw me back again. I can see XH at child contact time and feel no emotion but I guess I don't think about how things were when I see him.

I'm thinking some therapy might be a good idea. I'm wondering if I do have a degree of suppressed emotion that needs exploring.

Thanks for the support and responses.

Good luck @Another2022 One day you'll be 6 years out and you're right - it doesn't crop up often at all x

It’s a normal natural response.

Your contact handovers could be court ordered or you have prepared or know what you intend to do
eg shut it down, walk away, turn off phone, or for mine :

1. public place 2. Handover 3. Phone police

for my parents - physically and emotionally abusive for years - went nc a few years ago and they live about 10 minutes walk away
first time I saw them out in a local supermarket - huge panic attack - managed to get in my car - wet myself (I’m 50). Second time - I clocked them and ignored and felt a panic attack coming on and got my children and I to the car and home 3rd time - walked past them and blanked them - felt stressed for a few days 4 th time - shrugged walked past them and thought how sad you are - but that’s 4 times in 3 years and I’ve done 2 years of trauma counselling

I can identify, @Borris - I'm quite happy living my own life (around fifteen years since I got a divorce), but I still don't have enough trust to look for a partner again.
Any situation that forces you to look back at those awful moments is bound to have an impact. I had a horrible incident (which was entirely innocent) several years back which made me realise how scared I still am of making a man angry with me. I spent the rest of the day crying as I was so upset to realise the impact it had on me.
You're not alone, and how you feel is entirely normal.

Thank you both for sharing your experiences. It helps knowing that others have felt similar