How to tell 6yo we her parents are separating?

[TheEnormousTurnip2]

My daughters father and I will be separating imminently. We aren’t married but jointly own a house.

Everything has been quite amicable so far. He will
be remaining in the family home and buying me out so I can purchase a new one… he has bodged so much and neglected so much on this house it will cost a fortune to put right so I would prefer to have a fresh start in a new home that doesn’t fill me with dread whenever it rains!

We aren’t going to tell her until things are further down the line and I have found us a new home and will be able to answer all of the questions that I know she will have, but how do we tell her?

We’ve agreed on shared custody, she will live with me during the week and stay with him Friday/Saturday and I will collect her Sunday morning so I also get some weekend time with her.

Has anyone been through this before? Any tips? I know it’s going to break her heart, but neither of us are happy and before things get to the point where there is nastiness & resentment we need to split. It has been my decision and I feel massively guilty… I so wanted to keep our family together but his lack of emotion, effort and selfishness are just too much for me to ignore, you shouldn’t feel lonely in a relationship, I feel like the unpaid help.

Surely 2 separate happy parents are better than 2 unhappy parents together?

Do any of her peers have parents that are not together? I found that a good way to introduce the subject. She's very young and will adjust - my DS took a while but he got there and he was almost 6 when I split with his dad. Just talk kindly of each other in front of her whether the other is there or not, and whatever you think of each other, and damage will be limited. I agree with you that two happen separate parents are better than a miserable couple. My DS has a much better experience of us both than he would have done were we still married.

Thankyou for the reassurance! I’m glad your DS adjusted.

None of her peers have parents who have separated… they are all married. She goes to a rural, village school with 12 in her class. This worries me somewhat as she will be the odd one out.

Hopefully still young enough to just accept it without much ado if it's done carefully with a set routine in place from the start. Hard as it may be in the beginning as she'll no doubt develop a preferred residence, stand firm from the start. That was my downfall, not enough structure.

I don’t have any advice snd I can imagine this is heart wrenching for you. I just wanted to say that I grew up with two very unhappy parents and it was not nice. I’d never admit this to my mum because she thought she was doing the right thing but I’m sure we’d have all been better off if they’d split up. Good luck op x

We’ve already agreed where she will be and when. It was really important as she’s a very routine driven kid… I can’t help but feel her preference in residence is going to be the home we live in now. It’s a seafront property with cows in the fields around it.

I could afford to take it on, but the maintenance and heating costs are a LOT and it wouldn’t leave much wiggle room financially.

Thankyou. I grew up with an absent Father. I’m pretty certain her Dad will want to stay a part of her life, but I so hoped she’d have BOTH parents in her life, in the same home and in love… but the love has gone, and before it turns to bitterness and resentment I needed to do something. He would’ve just carried on I think, but I can’t

If it helps I split with my ex when my youngest was nearly six. He’s still the happiest person I know and he’s got two lovely homes now.
If you and your ex are good parents they will be fine.

Hi, I feel like I am coming to the same position as yourself. I am so lonely and just like you I am just the unpaid help, the person who looks after the kids and does all the running around. We have 3 children together, married but it’s his home. I don’t want our family to break up but he’s so unhappy, stressed etc. our children are 11,8 and 2.5 years old. I don’t want it to come to an end. But deep down I think he does. I am desperate for things to change but I just don’t know if we can get through this. I hope when the time comes that your daughter accepts the changes coming her way and is comfortable. Good luck in your future x

Is there any point in working with a really good marriage counsellor or is it a done deal now?

Be honest, open and kind. My daughter is 8 and she’s one of the most confident, happy children in her class. It’s parental conflict that fucks up kids, not divorce. So even when they piss you off, you suck it up and smile at how ‘lovely daddy is!’

Also, I thought I didn’t know any single parents. Turned out some at school were which I didn’t know - and then we made friends with other local single parents. It’s a very normal situation to be in.

I'm entering the same situation now with a 6 year old and a 3 year old. So I am following with interest.

I am honestly done with the relationship but H wants to keep trying and work a counsellor. I am way past that point unfortunately

It's not only that she'll likely lose a parent from daily life. It sounds from your update immediately about like she'll lose the house too. Your income and her father's income will have to go on supporting two homes instead of one unless one of you is lucky enough to be moving in with your parents. I hope the decision you're making is truly the one that has to be made because it will impact her hugely.

If I thought counselling could fix it I would try… but it won’t.
Theres been too much stuff I’ve just put up with for too long… I can tell you the exact moment I knew it was over. It was the evening after our daughters birthday party, a party which he didn’t help either financially or organisation-wise with. It had been a very long day, I’d been up since silly o’clock and was shattered. He got home and got straight on the sofa to play on his phone. I went upstairs to put DD to bed and he’d not moved… I went through to the kitchen where he’d dumped everything, presents, cake the lot, and started sorting it out. Half an hour later I went through to the living room and he’d disappeared to play on his phone in bed.
I do all the cooking, cleaning, organising and financing of holidays/days out, I buy all of her clothes, shoes, pay for her haircuts and dental treatment, I organise all of the childcare as we both work full-time. I’ve just had enough and need out before things get really awful.

He can afford the house alone… he’s a high earner.
I’m on a decent salary myself and with what I get out of this house we are in I will be able to buy something nice. It won’t have the beach on the doorstep like this house does… but it will be safe, warm and ours.

I would just like to wish you well OP. In a similar situation in being the one who wants to end the relationship but just not sure how it will impact similar aged dc. So - good luck to you (and me).

I'm sure you won't, but don't use babysitters in the period she'd adjusting.

I was a babysitter at 15 and the little lad, about 5, came down to me crying his heart out thinking his Mum was never coming back and when I left he would be on his own. Turned out his parents had split the week before and I'd not been told. When Mum left, I assumed Dad was already in the car or something.

Luckily, I lived across the road, so I called my Mum who came over and we helped him.settle.

Just be wary of things your DD might hold inside.

Thankyou. I really appreciate it. It’s been a battle for a long time to keep this family together but the only one putting any effort in is me, and I can’t do it anymore. I’m getting nothing back. It’s like being a single parent already, just with another child to have to consider.
I also worried what I was modelling for her in terms of relationship expectations… if she were in the situation I am in, would I be happy? No, I wouldn’t. So I shouldn’t accept it for myself, but I have because I so badly wanted things to work, but it takes 2.
I hope your situation improves and you can sort things out, or you pluck up the courage to make that really tough call and end it. X

Oh god love him!
Ive never used a babysitter other than Grandparents, but that won’t be happening for a while after we move as I want everything as routine as possible.
I don’t have a huge social life and with work and managing my DDs busy social calendar and all the other “Mum jobs” I don’t get much time! But will definitely bare it in mind.

I have recently done the same with my 6 year old and 4 year old

We said that mummy and daddy want to just be friends now. Explained that we wold be happier this way. Then immediately I took them to see the new house (just on the outside).

Talked about their new bedrooms and how lucky they would be. To make it feel like it’sa positive thing.

Then 2 weeks later I moved out of the family home with then part time.

So far so good. Not too many questions and they have just accepted it

@TheEnormousTurnip2 good luck. we're just going through the exact same situation (currently amicable, exh is staying in the house etc). My OH is a very involved ex, so i don't feel like hired help but he either speaks to me like he thinks I'm useless or completely ignores me and has done for over a decade no matter what contorted version of things he says he wants I've tried. My little one is younger than yours but I finally got a job that pays me enough that I can survive alone and I know he will be happier that way because his Dad is exactly the man I married when I'm not around, there's something about me being around that turns him into a sullen troll. I wish I could take credit for it and change some unforgivable aspect of my character but he just doesn't like me.

I agree with the posters who said keep it amicable if possible. I'm using wikivorce to help mediate our settlement and stuff. I try to be kind about his dad in front of his dad and when his dad isn't there but I also don't sugarcoat some of the basic facts because my parents did when they divorced and it felt like trying to navigate the matrix emotionally, what was true, who were these people, why did what i could see with my own eyes not tally up with the words out of their mouths. Currently I'm sticking too 'mummy and daddy are really good friends but it makes us upset when we shout at each other a lot and living together is difficult for us to do. we would do anything we could to keep you and the doggy safe and happy, so it's better if we live in different houses because we can not shout and mummy and daddy will always be there if you need to talk to us about anything.'

There's no getting away from the fact it sucks. Hard. I think parents who hate each other or themselves sucks worse though.

Just wanted to say this was me a couple of
years ago, after years of deliberation, filled with guilt, trying some more etc.

Best thing I’ve done by a long shot - you deserve to be happy, or at least not miserable, and your kid deserves and needs modelling this so she doesn’t grow up with a skewed impression of what healthy relationship is.

47% of marriages end in divorce and that’s not even taking into account folks unmarried (like me). you won’t be the only one, you’ll see.

I filled our house with friends, mine and my sons, and these days have an open house policy for his mates so we are never lonely.

I make sure to never ever say anything negative about his dad (hard at times but doable if one tries hard).

And I spend a lot of time with him, talking, playing, listening. Turns out it’s easier to do with not having to worry about a relationship stuff too. Or being annoyed at someone not piling their weight. I’m a better parent now, 100%.

You’ll be fine. Your daughter will be fine.
You’ve got this.

Is there a Gingerbread group near you? They can be a good source of support, and a chance for your DC to meet other kids in a similar position.