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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please tell me it will get better!

17 replies

momma0f3 · 30/10/2023 18:19

So, I don't even know where to begin. I just need to know that one day I will be free from these feelings. I left my abusive ex 3 months ago, after leaving 2 times in the past, but every time I have come back, we have ended up having another child! The last time I got back, I really thought that I was doing what was best for our children (then 2), but boy, oh boy, was I in for the horror. Basically, the last time was hell, police and social services ended up getting involved.

At this point, I am all over the place. I am feeling every bit of emotion and most recently guilt. So when I left (he kicked me out), I was so angry that I ended up applying to the family courts to get custody of my children as he was keeping them away. In the application, I stated all the abuse and pretty much everything. I was granted custody with him having them every other weekend for 3 nights.

He is a good dad, just a horrible partner. Once he found out about the court he basically has been mad since then has refused to comply and now he says he doesn't want anything to do with the children because no body should tell him how to raise his kids! He has not bothered with them, seen them all anything. Now looking back, I feel like I made the wrong decision applying for the court quickly but I really did have my reasons, mainly because, he kept them away from me didn't allow me back in the house, my oldest is autistic and am his main carer, I was very concerned for all there well being because he works and there was no way he would care for them full-time! He blames me for everything pretty much.

Even though he was abusive throughout the relationship, emotionally and physically on top of it, he was a chronic cheater. The things I found out in the 10 years I was with him, I am even ashamed to say I put up with all of it.

Looking back at it, i feel like I acted quickly, out of stress and anger and had I had waited, perhaps we could have gone mediation and that would have made the situation that we are now a bit less stressful to manage. He says I left because it was my own choice (which it wasn't, he does this pretty much every time we fight, kicks me out, takes my car keys, house keys. Banks cards, disconnects the tv and anything that he knows me and the kids will rely on. So I believe I didn't have a choice, but now I am really second-guessing myself

I don't want my children to grow up without their dad. I know he loves them, but I feel like I made the situation worser, on the other hand I feel like, no one can stop anybody from having a relationship with their children, so he is choosing to stay away because it benefits his lifestyle. He was never really a hands-on dad anyway. I did everything.

Social services arranged for us to have a family meeting, he refused to attend and sent them an email saying that he wants me to have full custody and doesn't want to get involved in any official meetings moving forward the children will find him when they grow.

I have tried to contact him since after so that we can make arrangements for the children, etc, but he has basically not responded. I don't really know what to do. Am just so scared to do this alone. I have lovely support from family, friends, and local authorities, but I just feel that I have tainted the possibilities of him having a relationship with his children...is that so....?

Thanks for reading

Sorry for the long post and typos, but I was just typing fast!

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 30/10/2023 18:26

He shouldn't have a relationship with his children
He's a monster.

People like to say of evil men 'oh but he's a good dad'. No. No he isn't. Abusers are not good dads purely on the basis that they are abusers. And abusers do not belong around children. Their toxic personalities cause nothing but suffering.

I hope he stays gone.
Be thankful he's leaving you and your kids alone, for now.

Pinkbonbon · 30/10/2023 18:32

And he doesn't love them.
He sees them as possessions.
Possessions he abandons if needs must whenever he thinks it'll hurt you most.

That's not love. They do not have love like you or I. Children are simply extentions of themselves. There for their own glory.

But they'll cool cut these extra limbs off and treat them as coldly as they do you, the second it suits them to do so.

WinchesterE · 30/10/2023 18:33

It does get easier, at first you question whether you could’ve made it work or what’s best for the children.
it’s hard because you’re trauma bonded to this person so that’s why you are questioning your decision and feeling all these emotions when you know you should feel relief, but there’s something making you doubt your decision.
the best decision for you and your children is to leave, you will be happy and it will get easier, it just takes time to heal and to see this.
also, I wouldn’t recommend pushing anyone to see your children, if he isn’t bothered then don’t make him see the children, it’s his loss ultimately.
I hope you stay strong and stay away from him, it really does get easier, I promise. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this. Good luck mama xxx

Original poster
momma0f3 · 30/10/2023 18:38

Thank you for your prompt response. I guess the reason I am feeling like this is because, he is pretty much going around making a smear campaign against me.

Saying I am stopping him from seeing the kids, a mutual friend actually messaged me saying that what I did was nor right, taking things to court, me and him could have sat down and sorted it out etc, so he has basically made it out that, I have stopped him seeing the children and went to court etc, I am just scared that the children will grow up and blame me for not seeing their dad, I don't know. But when you out it like that, it really puts things into perspective.

It's just hard to accept that he is the person who he is. I feel sad for my children. Especially my oldest.

OP posts:
MrLbz · 30/10/2023 18:38

OP you aren't thinking straight. This man shouldn't be anywhere near your children.

Take the full custody, get CMS to help with getting child support and move on.

MintJulia · 30/10/2023 18:39

Any person who ceases to see their own children, simply to be petty and lash out at an ex-partner, is not and never was a good father. He is a nasty, spiteful, selfish, manipulative creep.

Well done for getting away from him.

If he choses to not see his children, be grateful for that. Bring them up in a happy calm environment without a toxic father in the mix.

Restinggoddess · 30/10/2023 18:43

He isn’t a good dad
You know that going back each time was a mistake- so stay strong and focused
Of course he is going to try ever trick in the book to paint you as the worst mother/ wife/ human there has ever been
You know who and what he is - so put your energies into the future and not wishful thinking about what could have been or how you can change him

Stay strong and focus on your children

Original poster
momma0f3 · 30/10/2023 18:55

Restinggoddess · 30/10/2023 18:43

He isn’t a good dad
You know that going back each time was a mistake- so stay strong and focused
Of course he is going to try ever trick in the book to paint you as the worst mother/ wife/ human there has ever been
You know who and what he is - so put your energies into the future and not wishful thinking about what could have been or how you can change him

Stay strong and focus on your children

Thank you love.x

OP posts:
Original poster
momma0f3 · 30/10/2023 18:57

MintJulia · 30/10/2023 18:39

Any person who ceases to see their own children, simply to be petty and lash out at an ex-partner, is not and never was a good father. He is a nasty, spiteful, selfish, manipulative creep.

Well done for getting away from him.

If he choses to not see his children, be grateful for that. Bring them up in a happy calm environment without a toxic father in the mix.

Thank you I appreciate your response. Taking it on board.x

OP posts:
skamama · 30/10/2023 19:02

Oh I'm so sorry he had put you through all of that. He sounds like an utter narcissist. There is an Instagram account "mentalhealness" who picks appart behaviour like you just described and explains it coming from the perspective of a narcissist. You might find it helpful.

That man doesn't deserve a relationship with his children, it sounds like he was using it more as a way to control you more than anything. Now you have the courts on your side he has lost that power so he has lost interest in his kids. You are well shot of him! Good riddance to a horrible person I say! Xx

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 30/10/2023 19:18

Pinkbonbon · 30/10/2023 18:26

He shouldn't have a relationship with his children
He's a monster.

People like to say of evil men 'oh but he's a good dad'. No. No he isn't. Abusers are not good dads purely on the basis that they are abusers. And abusers do not belong around children. Their toxic personalities cause nothing but suffering.

I hope he stays gone.
Be thankful he's leaving you and your kids alone, for now.

Edited

This x1000

He is NOT a good dad.

He's a horrendous human being who shouldn't be allowed anywhere near your dc.

Original poster
momma0f3 · 30/10/2023 19:20

skamama · 30/10/2023 19:02

Oh I'm so sorry he had put you through all of that. He sounds like an utter narcissist. There is an Instagram account "mentalhealness" who picks appart behaviour like you just described and explains it coming from the perspective of a narcissist. You might find it helpful.

That man doesn't deserve a relationship with his children, it sounds like he was using it more as a way to control you more than anything. Now you have the courts on your side he has lost that power so he has lost interest in his kids. You are well shot of him! Good riddance to a horrible person I say! Xx

Oh woow I just searched on YouTube! I think this will be my tv for the next week. Thank you. And you know what, its like my head already knows. I have just found it hard to accept! I guess in accepting that says something about me too. I will be getting therapy! I need to address me too. Thanks hun x

OP posts:
skamama · 30/10/2023 19:36

momma0f3 · 30/10/2023 19:20

Oh woow I just searched on YouTube! I think this will be my tv for the next week. Thank you. And you know what, its like my head already knows. I have just found it hard to accept! I guess in accepting that says something about me too. I will be getting therapy! I need to address me too. Thanks hun x

Show quote history

You are very welcome, I find his videos have really helped me recognise toxic behaviour better. Its tough to accept, he is the father of your kids after all but he isn't going to change. If he can't change for his kids who will he change for! Good idea, it's a lot to process and reaching out and talking it through with a professional can be really helpful in recognising patterns of behaviour and building back up your self worth. Good luck with it all xx

Pinkbonbon · 30/10/2023 19:46

When your kids are grown up they will thank you for keeping him away.

Children might not understand. They may want to spend time with him even when they see he is mean. But it is our job to protect them. Also,to teach them that we do not pander to bullies. We just get away from them.

Morethan4hourssleep · 30/10/2023 20:00

It will get better, you're just not able to think clearly right now but you'll get there.
Mediation isn't allowed when one of the parties is abusive, so worrying that you should have tried that is pointless anyway.
Your children do not need to be around an abuser. He's already started the smear campaign against you and he would have done his best to be negative about you to your children, which means he would have been emotionally abusing them.

I've been in your shoes, I got away from an extremely abusive partner, I went to family court immediately and he hasn't legally been able to have contact with our daughters for years now. I'm so grateful he isn't a part of their lives, they're thriving and happy but it would be a very different story if he had still been involved.
Research narcissistic abuse, it will probably be eye-opening for you.

Good luck x

Echobelly · 30/10/2023 20:04

You and your children are well rid of this manipulative bastard. No one who really sees their children as anything other than possessions or emotional bargaining chips would leave them just to make a point. I suspect he doesn't want the responsibility of caring for them even a couple of times a month but wants the satisfaction of making you feel bad at the same time. So don't let him have that and rebuild your life without him.

Original poster
momma0f3 · 30/10/2023 20:31

Echobelly · 30/10/2023 20:04

You and your children are well rid of this manipulative bastard. No one who really sees their children as anything other than possessions or emotional bargaining chips would leave them just to make a point. I suspect he doesn't want the responsibility of caring for them even a couple of times a month but wants the satisfaction of making you feel bad at the same time. So don't let him have that and rebuild your life without him.

Wow you are right, it's like everyone is saying rhe things I have been thinking already but was too scared to accept but I need to face my front now and start to look forward with life. Life is so cruel. Thank you for your input x

OP posts:
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