Partner of many years tells me I am hard to talk to, finds it hard to communicate with me

[Cowey]

We have been together a lifetime, we have 2 primary age children. He has history of mental health.
I guess I’ve learnt over the years to manage a lot of things on my own, household bills and running ( we contribute together but like the admin of it all). I’m an independent person and always have been due to neglect as a child.
i work 28 hours a week, i sort out kids for pick ups and drop offs due to partner working too. Usually at end of the day I’m ready to zone out as I’m exhausted, it is in these occasions that he tells me he tries to open up talks with me and he finds that I don’t respond in conversational way and he’s feeling like I don’t care, I don’t value him and I’m more interested in my phone.
I know I need to make more of an effort but I also need downtime too without going to bed too late.
just wondering how other people manage to deal with this? Is it weird to set aside times/ days where we can have good conversation?

Yes totally relate to being burnt out by early evening. Nevertheless your partner has said that he needs more communication with you. He is reaching out here. To keep your relationship functional you should accommodate this in the best way you can. He won’t want a 2 hour deep and meaningful chat every night. Giving a little will likely help out a lot.

I think there are a whole bunch of things that would impact any answer here.

eg - you specifically mention you're carrying all the mental load. Are you a bit resentful of that? You don't specify who is doing household tasks and chores and again, is this all you? Does he, overall, have more downtime than you because all he's doing is working? Because in that instance, I can see why by the end of the day you just want to collapse and be left alone.

Are you unable/unwilling to talk to him EVERY day, or is it just some days? While he wants you to be available and listening to him every day? Becuase again, depending on other factors, this is relevant. If Dh felt I NEVER wanted to talk to him, I'd be understanding if that was true. But SIL's ex wanted her to spend EVERY evening on the sofa with him. He couldn't stand her having outside interests or wanting time alone.

Do you communicate at other times? It's not unusual for me and DH to be in different rooms in the evening, but we chat away a lot of the time and have a constant dialogue going. But if you don't, then yes, ideally, you'd be making more time in the evenings.

Well in my view communication is important and if you can't things can build up and cause problems. You should always find time to talk to one another but you need to have capacity in order to do so as well.

He may want to talk which is a good thing but he should understand that you need to recoup if you are doing the bulk. So I would say communicate your need to zone out, that you are not avoiding a conversation or ignoring him but to set aside time when you have the capacity to discuss things and stick to it.

Likewise, communication goes both ways and should not be one sided. In order to communicate effectively you both need to be able to listen to one anothers viewpoints and come to some sort of resolution.

Ask him to organise a regular babysitter for a Saturday morning or afternoon so the two of you can go somewhere and chat together.

The reality of life with small children is that you don't get much alone time where talking is prioritised. That can leave parents feeling the relationship has been put on the back burner. He's clearly feeling that.

It depends really on the deepness of a connection. I have been with a mentally unstable person and whilst I did all I could to support him I had to kinda always come last. I think overtime you feel that loneliness creep in and you learn you won't ever have anyone running around for you. It creates a distance between you. Whilst you should care and listen and be interested in your partners words, it's also very difficult to help a depressed person long term. Professionals all the way! Because we just simply can't always help and we go into that role of supporting. When there's kids and jobs involved too it gets harder.
You can certainly try listen more, go for a walk together etc. It's good to validate and acknowledge why someone's feeling bad. But he needs to seel further help too

I think it's interesting you refer to his mental health and that you do all the mental work of planning and prepping and admin.

What exactly does he want to talk about of an evening? Does he want you to soothe his brow and reassure him because things are tough? Or is he equally interested in YOUR life or things you are struggling with? If you brought up the need to get the DC new shoes, would he see that as a legitimate conversations and even possibly take it on as a task?

On the surface, never being willing to talk to your DP at the end of the day is a huge concern. But I am reading a level of weariness and resentment in your post that makes me think it might be a bit more nuanced.