Narcissistic ex and DS

[LovelifeHa]

ExDP and I separated nearly 4.5 years ago. He's all sweetness and light to my face (generally) but has totally weoponised DS (10)! Over the years he has constantly undermined, belittled and actively lied about me to DS. Over the last year, this has definitely ramped up and I just don't know how to approach it. Grey rocking him doesn't seem to have worked. Ignoring it hasn't calmed it down either. I want to call him out each and every time something is said (at least one incident every 2-3 weeks) but I am concerned about the backlash on DS (and me too if I'm honest).. Previously when I have called him out, he's denied saying it, changed the story/narrative and on a couple of occasions actively said that DS is lying (when I know he isn't).

He then tells DS off for telling me and says that DS has gotten him into trouble and that I am out to cause trouble. The issue is that DS absolutely worships him and believes everything that he says. I am fully painted as the 'evil' mum, DS buys into this and its killing me!!

He definitely has narc tendencies, thinks he is bigger and better than everyone else, everyone else is stupid, compulsive liar, very controlling, manipulative and spiteful!

School are aware of the issues as DS is under several referrals and assessments at present (also has additional needs). I think school do see through him - he's not as intelligent as he thinks he is and although he is always banging on about how he works to try and promote a 'positive relationship' between me and DS, his actions don't match his words and this is evident. However, I don't know what they can do to help me. I suspect that this is a ploy to get DS to live with him 100% (50/50 at present) and to completely sabotage my relationship with him which terrifies me.

I just don't know what to do or how to approach this - any thoughts or advice out there?

Anyone? I’m desperate 🙁 and worried about doing the wrong thing or making things even worse than they are now - if that’s possible!

Don’t really have any advice, but didn’t want to read and run. That sounds horrible and exhausting.

DS may worship your ex, but surely it’s you that he trusts? In that he’s on his best behaviour to impress ex, but collapses around you because you’re the reliable one.

Can you give some examples OP?

I have a similar situation with my ex and I understand your fear about him sabotaging your relationship with your DS.

honesty and transparency with your son is the best way forward. You said that he telling you that your son said something which he denies? Start by making sure your son knows you believe him.

stop tackling things with your ex. It’s not going to change his behaviour. Instead, focus on your relationship with your son.

I'm years into similar. Grey rock. Grey rock. Grey rock.

I’m going through a divorce with a narc but no children involved.

All I can offer at the moment is bide your time.

In the meantime, keep a journal and write down stuff when it is fresh in your mind. My ex is very good as rewriting history so I need to reassure myself my memory is right when he starts telling me I am wrong.

Secondly, keep as much contact as you can by text and email. Ask for confirmation of arrangements by text so if he changes things, you have written proof. I’d also secretly/not secretly record conversations as a last resort.

It’s difficult because your son is so young. My only experience was with my adult Dd and my therapist said I had to let her work it out herself. She did.

Maybe keeping written proofs will help you in the future if ex decides to challenge 50/50. Sorry I don’t have any more experience to offer. But I understand the feeling of always being on a slippery slope/having the goal posts changed/never trusting a word that comes out of their mouths.

Thanks, I keep trying to tell myself that it’s because I’m his ‘safe space’ despite him constantly telling me that he hates me, I’m no fun & he wants to live with his dad. Interestingly his behaviour at school has deteriorated massively & they are seeing similar patterns to the ones I get. ExP maintains these behaviours aren’t exhibited at his house

I certainly can although it will probably put me. Recently we’ve had ‘im trying to steal his dads money (I asked for a contribution to school costs) & this is money that could have been spent on him (DS), accusations that I owe exp family money (I don’t) & that I’m the one who messed up the whole relationship, not his dad, it’s all my fault & the ‘boys have to stick together’ & his dad will keep him ‘in the loop’. Those are a couple of the more benign examples - I really don’t want to give details on others as they are incredibly outing but suffice to say I have more than 3 years of documented incidents. I really thought it would have calmed down by now but it’s just getting worse & worse & DS’s behaviour towards me can be appalling - Any attempt by me to explain the truth is kicked into touch & I am accused of lying, he doesn’t seem to trust me at all 🙁

This is identical to my ex’s behaviour- DS is an angel with him apparently.

Try not to let it get to you. It hasn’t calmed down with my ex either. It’s basically because they are massively insecure and always will be.

try to answer your son as openly and factually as possible. Keep all communication with your ex in writing, so you can show your son. I don’t mean get him to take sides, but it’s important that you provide him with the truth/ other side of the story and let him make his mind up. Don’t call his dad a liar or slag him off.

just factually say - ‘that might be what your dad is saying, but here is how I see it’. Then keep it factual. ‘I asked your dad for money to contribute to school costs as currently I pay all of it. That money is for your education, and is a priority. All parents need to pay it and your dad is no exception. If he helps to pay, it means I have more money to pay for fun things for us. ‘

try not to be angry with your son. Remind him how much you love him. Tell him you are there to listen if ever wants to talk.

And you are right. You are his safe space. He can’t express this with his dad, so remember that next time he is arguing with you.

It’s really tough OP, but stay strong, consistent and loving to your son. He will work it out eventually.

Thanks @Discointhekitchen i will try to remember that. I do tell him I love him & will listen if he wants to talk but he looks at me like I’ve grown two heads! Sorry to hear that you are going through this too, it’s just so awful & the only ones who suffer are our kids. I see the impact that this is having on DS - it’s heartbreaking & I seem powerless to stop it. Will try channelling my grey rock to ex p again too…

Just be true to yourself. My ex is similar but not so overt, much more sneaky. I’ve just stayed true to my values and need a good parent and they’ve all seen through it. Your son is very young, just keep going and as he matures he’ll realise.