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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Ex-DH

17 replies

jenk1 · 10/03/2008 09:55

is driving me MAD.

we,ve been split for 2 weeks now and he still hasnt opened a bank account or moved his wages out of mine.

he actually WANTS me to hand him his money on a friday but, im claiming income support (just waiting for it to go through) and its not going to look good if his money is in my bank.

i dont know what i can do, i think he wants me to go with him to open a bank account but i dont want to, its another form of control the pretending to be helpless.

he asked me if i was going out at the weekend and i said no and he said cos if you are and you are meeting anyone i can stop you you know by refusing to have the kids, so i said no im not meeting anyone and if i want to go out i will ask my neice to babysit.

he phones me up wingeing that the food at his dads is crap, that he hates it there, so i said get off your backside and get your own place then.

im sorry for the rant but he,s really getting me down.

OP posts:

TLV · 10/03/2008 09:58

rant ahead coz i'm likely to be joining you sortly

Seabright · 10/03/2008 09:59

Can you open your own bank account so that your money goes in there and your expenses come out of it? The joint account would then effectively become "his" account. You may even be able to get your bank to take your name off the joint account.

Tell him to watch Delia's new cookery programme this week!

BandofMothers · 10/03/2008 10:00

Take his money out that is in there now and tell him if any more comes in you're going to keep it til he sorts it out.

Why can't men do this sort of thing on their own???

Original poster

jenk1 · 10/03/2008 10:09

he,s in a lot of debt so i wouldnt want him to have an account in my name.

he CAN get a basic ban account and ive given him details of banks who offer this but he doesnt want to do it cos it breaks another tie with me.

i feel he is stalking me in a way, not a weirdo sort of stalk but to give an idea on saturday, he took dd for the day and night, an hour after he had gone he appeared at my house and i said is every thing ok and he said yes i need to change her for the party she,s going to, so i said why didnt you change her at your dads and he said "well i thought id change her here" so i said well what would you have done if i wasnt here and he said id have gone to your mums

WHY?

i cant work him out and he,s driving me mental.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 10/03/2008 10:20

I know someone who had a joint account, she handed in all her/their cheque books etc etc etc and affectively took her name off the account. Set yourself up a new account in your name, transfer all that does relate to you and then resign yourself off from the joint account.

Original poster

jenk1 · 10/03/2008 10:24

its not a joint account though, its mine that ive had for years.
i wouldnt open a joint account with him cos of his bad debt history and he,s not to be trusted with money having got us in debt before which took a long time sorting out.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 10/03/2008 10:27

Open up a new account, transfer everything tell him that you are closing the old account if he doesn't sort out his wages then that is his problem - give him a weeks notice or similar.

BandofMothers · 10/03/2008 10:28

If it is your acc you can stop his wages going in. The bank can block it or possibly even contact his employer and stop it that way.

Make sure you go out next time, and tell him going to your mum's is not acceptable, I assume he had all the things he needed to change her.

If he wont do it for you, then tell him that he is confusing your dd. She needs to know that you are not together any more and that is why when he has her he has to do it away from you and the house she liveds in with you.

Original poster

jenk1 · 10/03/2008 10:30

oh i didnt know my bank could block his wages, right im going to do that.

he refuses to accept that we are over, think the only way to make him see is to file for divorce, ill have to wait until ive got a bit of money behind me as last time they said i was £40 over the limit for legal aid, might be different this time with being on income support.

OP posts:

TimeForMe · 10/03/2008 10:47

Hi, I think he needs some boundaries. Like you say , he is not letting go and, he is trying every trick in the book to keep his foot in the door.
You need to stop doing things for him, let him sort his own bank account but, do stop his wages from going into yours. Think of yourself now and take care of your own needs. He is a grown man and can look after himself.
Any help you give or offer him he may well see as a sign of hope, that all is not lost, the more you show an interest in him and his well being the more encouraged he will be to keep trying.
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind

TimeForMe · 10/03/2008 10:50

By the way, I was on IS at the time of my divorce and i did it all myself. It was all over and done with within 6 weeks from start to finish. He admitted adultery, we had sorted access for the children ourselves.

I got all the papers from the court and they helped me every step of the way. It was all straight forward and I had no problems. The most I paid was £5 for the swearing on the oath part. This was 12 years ago though so it might cost a bit more now. HTH

Freckle · 10/03/2008 10:57

Get yourself a new account and close down the joint account.

greeneyedgirl · 10/03/2008 12:36

Empty the bank account, give him all his money and open another account for yourself. Ask the bank how to go about taking your name of the joint account, I am sure they will help if you explain the situation! Or go to the CAB and they can give you finsncial and legal advice.

If he calls you again whinging, just tell him firmly that it is his life and is nothing to do with you, then hang up. Definitely do not ask him to babysit..EVER!

Good luck.

greeneyedgirl · 10/03/2008 12:38

Sorry X post. Yes deffo block his wages from going into your account.

Original poster

jenk1 · 10/03/2008 15:07

i told him that i would be blocking his wages going in as from next week, he said right ill open a bank account tomorrow, last week he told me twice he,d opened one.

he then offered to buy me some face cream and i said no thanks,
go on ill treat you, he said
and i said no thanks

why should he buy me gifts now?
he never did when we were together.

then 5 mins after he had gone he came back claiming to have forgotten his mobile.

i feel stronger and know i just have to keep saying no to him and eventually he,ll get the message.

he,s like a baby.

OP posts:

NotDoingTheHousework · 10/03/2008 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

jenk1 · 11/03/2008 15:01

the phone rang 3 times and then my mobile so i ignored it,
10 mins later he turns up.

"ive phoned you 3 times,"

i said nothing

he said he,d come to get his bills as he,s phoning them all up and sorting payment plans out with them.

yeah right whatever.

he wants the kids to phone him at 6.20pm tonight when he,s on his break as he has no credit on his phone, but they had to do that last night from my mobile, and i dont think its fair, he should be phoning them.

OP posts:

Flip