I think I’m a lost cause

[MarzipanKnees]

Brief background: my exH left me for another woman around five years ago. We have two children and I’ve worked hard to be civil with him for their sake. I’m glad I did, my parents didn’t and it caused a lot of problems.

I then dated someone for two years. It wasn’t lovely. He started off saying I was brilliant and then gradually started to criticise everything about me. It’s been over for a year and I’ve only really started feeling confident in myself again. (I’m aware I come across as weak being affected as much as I was in two years. I’m having therapy and trying hard.)

I just think that’s it for me now, relationship-wise. I feel burnt. Burnt out. I can’t imagine trusting a man again (two year man cheated on me too.)

I don’t mind being single. I have a good life. I have lovely friends and I go out as much as I can. I do get a bit lonely sometimes though, and I miss sex. The thought of being vulnerable or naked with anyone again scares me though.

can anyone relate? Or tell me their happy stories of overcoming this fear? Thank you.

You don’t come across as weak. You have managed to keep a civil relationship with exh for the good of your children which requires strength.

Taking a year to regain confidence after receiving shitty treatment twice in a row doesn’t make you weak.

Having therapy and evaluating your current circumstances shows your strength.

Missing sex and companionship is totally normal but it’s unsurprising that you are nervous about seeking it out given your recent experience.

If you start to date just be ready to cast aside men who are sub standard. There are lots of them unfortunately.

Thank you so much for this. I regret getting into the post-divorce relationship, but loneliness took the steering wheel I’m afraid.

I appreciate what you’ve said. It hasn’t always been easy, but my children are older now and I have no regrets keeping things civil.

Maybe there’s hope! Maybe I just need more time.

My children never met two year man (I will abbreviate him to 2YM for ease.) I’m glad of that.

I can absolutely relate. I have been divorced 11 years, since then I've had 2 serious relationships (3 years and 6 years), the 6 year one ended in July and I have got absolutely no desire to start dating again. The thought fills me with dread. If I ever get to the point of being ready, ideally I'd meet someone IRL and it is possible with some of my hobbies and interests but I'm not interested in seeking it out atm. I'm still feeling a sense of freedom at being single, last relationship wasn't terrible but in hindsight there were things I don't know why I put up with.

Thank you, @MissFizzyPop, it’s comforting to know I’m not the only one.

To be honest, I don’t even know what I’d want from a relationship right now. I don’t want to get married again. I’m not up for anything super casual. I’m mostly just scared that I’ll get hurt again.

2YM suggested furniture for my house because he said I had awful taste. I bought a couple of bits and I’ve just put them on my local selling group. I think clearing him out will be helpful.

Oh OP I can relate.

I got divorced and then the following year met someone through OLD who started off lovely but looking back was a complete arse who made me feel like shit.

It was only once I'd given up OLD and resigned myself to life with my dog, that I met amazing DP.
It's been almost 6 years now and he still values me, treats me well, is kind & generous, my dcs like him more than they like me 🤣

You are far from weak, you are strong!!! So strong, these men are weak, cheating, trying to bring you down to a level they can control you, and then when they realise off they go!

It's not a reflection on you, it's a reflection on them

Yes! Please ritually push him out and burn anything he left with you and dance on the ashes. I think its significant he left you feeling weak when its obvious, as previous posters have said, that you are quite strong. Think of yourself as a wily gazelle that was stalked and attacked by a predator—but got away. Because that is really what happened. He started off looking good —the lure—but turned abusive as he thought he could afford to. But you stood up for yourself and got away. That took great strength and skill. Now settle into a period of rest and retrenchment. You deserve a break. When and if the opportunity presents itself you can decide then whether the next man is suitable. You don’t have to accept all comers. You have a lot of life experience and wisdom to rely on.

You sound like a very strong woman and an amazing mother!

Take time out for you to really care and love yourself. Whatever that looks like. Spending time with friends, yoga, holistic therapies, dancing, pottery, getting a massage once a month etc. So many things out there to awaken your senses and heal.

Oh! These lovely comments have made me cry. Happy tears. Thank you all so much.

@MarzipanKnees you sound very self aware and you're a brilliant mom.

Enjoy the gift of life, health and your children. Of course you miss sex and companionship, but I tell you I'd rather be single then with the angst of settling with a shitty guy. You only have to read on here. I've been on a thread where people are advising women to stay with a man that referred to them as a ' bit of pussy'.

A man should be complementary to your life, bring you joy and vice versa.

Good luck💐