Is it time? Help.

[Dipsydoodle2]

Just looking for some advice from others who may have been in similar situations…

Been married for 15+ years, two children who are early teens. Both early 40’s, we met at uni. We have both been through a lot in that time, bereavements, ill health, stressful jobs etc etc. We don’t have a lot of family support but have made a good circle of shared friends in the area that we now live.

Generally my husband is very supportive, a great dad, provides financially (I do also work) but I cannot shake this feeling of being unhappy. The little things he does (or doesn’t do) irritate me and we bicker over small things. Generally our values are similar but we do have different opinions on some things (which I think is fine btw). However, he can snap at me at times and I get frustrated with his lack of motivation with certain things - I do most of the housework/cooking and he can be a lazy shit at times.

Our sex life has dwindled and I feel like we don’t enjoy spending time together. Neither one of us has been unfaithful and he says that he loves me and no-one has threatened to leave or threatened divorce. However, it just doesn’t feel right - I feel like I am relieved when he is out of the house and I can be on my own, which I don’t think is ‘normal’.

I don’t want to break up our family for no good reason and I have hoped that it would get better, but it’s not - we are going through the motions but it feels flat. Is this just something that happens in marriage or is this a relationship that has run it’s course??

You don't mention your age, but maybe worth mentioning that I felt very similar but then established I was menopausal and that had literally had such a huge effect on my feelings. May be this is also at play?

I could have written your post OP. I'm late thirties, been together 15 years, married for 3, got kids. I've not been able to put my finger on whats wrong but tried all sorts to fix it - therapist, doing more exercise, making more time for myself, more sex, retraining. I don't always think the grass is greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you water it. I just can't seem to shake off this feeling of discontentment. I prefer it when DH is away, hate being around him. Everything he does irritates me and he's generally really lazy - doesn't make any effort with his appearance, parenting, housework, sex. Doesn't show any interest or concern for my well being. I just think what's the point. Not worked out what to do about it yet. I definitely think I would be happier without him but know my kids would hate that.

Yes I have thought this could be at play as I’m early 40s but I have felt that things aren’t right for some time so not sure - it’s just gradually got worse.

It’s hard to know if it’s time to jump ship and get out whilst we can still be amicable and friends. I would hate for us to hate each other and it get messy. Or if it’s wort keep trying?

I could have written this myself too. When I think about the future, when the kids have left home and its just us two, this fills me with an absolute sense of dread. Its either that, or we separate and I face the future alone. Both scenarios make me sad, but I think its definitely heading towards the latter.

I do most of the housework/cooking and he can be a lazy shit at times.

Our sex life has dwindled and I feel like we don’t enjoy spending time together

Sounds like you're understandably feeling increasingly resentful after years of doing the brunt of the household labour, and nobody wants to shag a Lazy Shit. I'd say that divorce is no picnic, especially for teens, and should be a last resort after you've tried everything else, and if you feel there's nothing to salvage. I'm not sure that sounds like the situation here.

It is sad… I know the grass isn’t always greener but I wonder if we both deserve more, to be happy and if that means us not being together then surely that is better than staying in a unhappy marriage.

Then I think about the financial burden of running two homes, the massive impact on the kids (I’m a product of a messy divorce and I never wanted this for my kids) and I think maybe I am just being selfish 😕

Theres no perfect solution, I just don’t want to make a decision I live to regret.

Personally, I would do everything I could to work on the marriage fast. It's not that the grass isn't greener, it's that the grass is in a right fucking state.

There is no perfect solution. But it may be that your circumstances are entirely normal - certainly very common. Maybe this is what real life is about. Rubbing along together without the rush of joy that carries people along at the beginning of a relationship is the norm.

Not to be flippant, but I have found my people on this thread. Very similar situation to many described. The overwhelming sense is that it is coming to ahead simply because I can't bear DCs growing up with this dreadful relationship as a model. I care less about myself than what it is showing and doing to them.

I have had two people recently say to me, independently, 'you're basically a single mum'. Not sure there's any coming back from that, really.

I wonder if we both deserve more, to be happy and if that means us not being together then surely that is better than staying in a unhappy marriage.

There really is no "deserve to be happy", it's not a button you can push or a state you can acheive by following a procedure. There is absolutely no guarantee that if you pull the trigger and ask for a divorce you'd be able to stay friends and have an amicable one, nor that you'd find happiness as a divorced woman.

As others have said I'd be one hundred percent exhausting every avenue possible in order to improve your relationship before divorcing. Maintaining a healthy happy relationship is a daily effort and a choice over the years, give it everything you've got before you call time while the kids are this age.

I also think, if you're in the wondering stage, rather than the knowing stage then it's not time. When you know, you know.

I’m sure this is a very common scenario and may be ‘normal’ in long marriages or relationships but I am a great believer in ‘life is too bloody short’ - life has taught me this. I’m caught between feeling we would both be happier (in time) being apart but the ripple effect of this massive decision makes me so scared of saying this out loud!

Sometimes relationships are done aren’t they?? People drift apart and it feels like that’s what’s happening. Sad as it is, maybe that’s just what it is.

You say that you've hoped that it would be better, but it's not. Have you put a sustained amount of energy and intention into making things better, together?
Or not mentioned it and crossed your fingers?

I'd find a relationship therapist who will work with you, and if it's truly over this will become apparent in the sessions and they can help you manage it out. If it's not over you'll be able to get some help with your communication and some ways to improve things.

I'm not telling you to stay together, I'm divorced and I thank the stars every day that it was an option. I know that I have never spent a second wondering if I did the right thing, even in the most difficult moments with the children working through the repercussions of it, when the guilt is enormous, because I know I left no stone unturned and put in every effort I could before the decision was made.

Thank you for this - I might suggest a therapist. At least this would give us some support in navigating a separation if it is really done, or help us get back on the right track.

Sounds like a plan. Try and find one you click with, you might need to go for a session with a few to find one that "gets you".

I feel the same at times, same age as you. I do strongly believe it’s hormonal, so I’m brushing it off. He recently went away for a week to see family (at my suggestion during a ‘I want to be alone’ period) and I found it very funny that I didn’t miss him at all. I’m so messed up! 🙂

I’m waiting for this wave to pass, I know that deep down I have strong feelings for him and the kids adore him. Once a week we open a bottle of wine and we reconnect. Being a little tipsy removes the ‘fog’ as I call it. Consider that it could be hormonal before you make any major decisions.

I’m replying to you all as someone who felt like this 10 years ago. I’m now ugly divorcing and wish I’d left 8 years ago. In my case my stbxh is a bully so this really is the only way for me.

Knowledge is power. Learn all you can about divorce/separation and what the law says. I was pleasantly surprised when I finally looked into it, I’m going to be better off than I imagined. Look at wikivorce it’s very good. Sometimes you can speak to a family solicitor for a free consultation. It’s hit or miss whether you get specific advice or just generalisations, just keep trying different ones. Know where all the money is - this is very important. I regret not doing this.My stbxh was also financially abusive, so has managed to keep me from knowing a lot of things. Just knowing all this doesn’t mean you are going to divorce, it just means you know the worst or best that will happen and may help you decide in the future.

Then on the other side, remember Nothing Changes, if Nothing Changes. If you want a better relationship, then you have to do something.

It could be individual therapy, couples counselling, A Big Serious Chat. Look at online articles, books that deal with healing relationships. Obviously your partner has to get on board eventually and that could be one of your dealbreakers. Look honestly at yourself and your behaviour (individual therapy).

Ref children/teenagers. Remember the mumsnet saying, Don’t set yourself on Fire to keep someone else warm. If I had left earlier I would have been more like the stronger woman I once was. Now I am a scared and emotional wreck. My adult Dd is seeing a side of me that even I hate. It’s very very hard for her, and in all honesty I think would have been easier if I’d left earlier.

Make a plan. Put a 2 or 3 or 5 year limit on it. You can try and do both these things in parallel. Start keeping a journal and write down the things that are the dealbreakers now. It may be that in two years time the dealbreakers are happening and you are just letting them go. You can keep the divorce/separate card hidden for as long as you like.

Final, final piece of advice. Start you own savings and pay into a private pension.

So, know the worst if you decide to divorce, but also that you tried hard to save your marriage.

Thank you so much for this - this is all really helpful advice.

I have had my own therapy to work through some of my own issues (mostly from a traumatic childhood). I am quite self aware (I think) and reflective, my husband less so I would say.

I do want to make it work if we can - I love what we have created as a family (pretty much from nothing) and like I said, he is a good person and a great dad - there is just a relationship spark that has all but gone at the moment and I don’t want the resentment to build to hatred!

That being said, I think that I could survive without him - I have absolute faith in my abilities to be able to be independent of him, as difficult as I know this would be - I want to be with someone that I WANT, not stay with someone because I NEED to.