Am I unreasonable for being annoyed when BF doesn't follow through?

[Deargodletitgo]

So I'll preface this by saying I know I am quite straight forward in thinking of someone says they will do something, then they should do it. This isn't just about tasks, but when they talk about plans etc. I don't like or see the point of verbally committing to something, and not actually meaning it.

I also don't ask for help, ever. BF has been pleased when I have, but it doesn't happen often.

Both late 40s, both work FT, both with kids and him with an ex who seems incapable of not asking for help constantly. So,yes, he's got a lot on. As have I.

So two small jobs arose for me, stuff I am perfectly capable of doing (I was married to someone who left everything to me), but he offered.

But he hasn't, and I did remind about one. Still nothing.

And because he insisted he'd sort one of these jobs out and hasn't, it has made it more awkward for me, and I'll have to take time today to sort it

He also doesn't clean up after I've cooked, he's over at my house a few nights a week. I don't want to have to ask for him to, I just want him to do it. His ex is a SAHM, but I'm not , and work as much as he does

Think it's bringing up me feeling like my needs don't matter, although he spends time and money on me.

And I won't ask or accept help again.

You need to be telling him this.

Yes! Set out what you expect after you cook. He's not psychic.

And with promising to do tasks, you need to tell him how important being reliable is to you, and how you hate being let down.

I hope things improve.

Thanks, yes, I need to tell him. We've talked about moving in together in a few years, but as things stand I wouldn't as I would get increasingly resentful.

My DP is like this. We live together now in his house. Before I moved in I told him I was worried that I would end up doing everything. He assured me no and I believed him, as when at his house he did everything for me. We both work full time and I have a commute of 1 hr each way him 15 mins.

I ended up doing everything whilst he relaxed as he says he had a hard day!! It got to a point I got so resentful and he stayed out at the pub.

we had a massive bust up. Nearly split up. We literally had to split up chores. I do common areas as I like to ensure house is clean for visitors. He does bedrooms and we each do our own office (wfh 50%). He has his own bathroom and I don’t do that. Basically if o can close a door and not use it it’s ok.

it works. His study had an attached en-suite. I don’t touch it - it is horrible, but I can close the door. He now sees how lovely the hours looks, so he tidies up too loads. But I can’t relax in a messy house and told from previous partners and housemates I have high standards, so I know I will go more.

He does treat me to take away or meals out at weekend as an acknowledgment. We literally had to split chores and agree what to do as people in our 40s

Haha that sounds like my DF and his partner. He has the Room of Doom which is his study and basically a dumping ground for everything he has never sorted. The rest of the house is lovely and she has trained him well.

I think you have to agree the division of labour individually for your relationship.

It never fails to amaze me that men get such a pass when it comes to this stuff. They have eyes in their heads, they can see a pile of dirty dishes, and yet they’ll wait until someone else deals with it.

It’s always down to us to play the parent and ask them to do it. When we don’t ask them we get told “they’re not psychic” Then when we remind them we fall into the old double bind of being a nag.

Do these men have to be asked to do simple stuff at work too or do they just take the initiative and do it like a normal person? I’ll bet he holds down a pretty decent job where he doesn’t need to be reminded to do the absolute basics.

Oh he has a senior role, manages multiple teams and I get a sense he feels when he gets home he can put his feet up at the end of a hard day.

Except I'm not a stay at home wife, or his wife at all, I've got my kids half the time and working too, and I'm knackered.

The thing is, on the surface 'tell him what needs done' seems like a good idea but...it's not. Because then...do you have to start telling him every little thing he should know how to do?

I'd go with a one off sit down chat of 'When you visit here you need to pull your weight. Also pointing out that you also said you'd do xyz and haven't which has put me out. I'm not interested in training a full grown man to anticipate the needs of others. Or in being anyone's maid. My partner needs to be an adult who follows through on his words. Otherwise this doesn't work for me. This is a benefit of the doubt chat. But it's the last one I'll give'.

Don't spend your life becoming the 'nag' that useless men make women out to be. If be can't behave like a reliable grown up, show him the door.

He also doesn't clean up after I've cooked, he's over at my house a few nights a week. I don't want to have to ask for him to, I just want him to do it.

is he a mind reader, have you actually verbally explained this in any way ?

I think it's a red flag that he doesn't offer. It's the obviously fair thing to do after someone has cooked for you.

We have had this discussion once before but I think he thinks bringing a chippy tea every so often gets him out of it.

I had a marriage where I did everything, not doing it again.

And because he insisted he'd sort one of these jobs out and hasn't, it has made it more awkward for me, and I'll have to take time today to sort it
...
And I won't ask or accept help again.

My ex saw any complaints by me as nagging and reacted so defensively that the conversation was derailed. I ended up giving up like you and not relying on him at all as he let me down so regularly. Because of this, at first I was hesitant to complain about anything to my current dp. But then when I did, he accepted the criticism and was properly apologetic. And I don't have to complain often at all as he's extremely reliable - I always thank him and he's slightly bemused that I feel the need to praise him for doing what he thinks is normal.

I don't think I'd put up with being let down regularly again, now I've been with someone who has the same standards/expectations as me. If you stop asking for or accepting help, won't you feel resentful? You don't live together, you don't have any children tying you together. Why not look for someone reliable instead?

Jobs - say you'll get another man to do instead eg your dad, brother, the man next door, best friends husband if he's busy- they always spring into action super quickly in that case

Washing up- do you ever cook/eat at his? Does he wash up there? I think 'I'm so tired can you wash up tonight while I shower' after dinner is very reasonable. Of course he'll say yes I will. If there is any reluctance at all then put him in the bin. Then after he does say thanks I love it when we do things like that half and half I feel like a real team. See if he does more/does that again.

Why do your standards continue to be so low?

He's no prize.

Why are you feeding him several times a week, when he hasn't the basic manners to tidy up afterwards.

Your ex was a lazy loser who left you carry the load.

All you do for him feeding him several times a week and he cant follow through on things he said he would do?

We teach people how to treat us.

You keep teaching the men in your life that you have very low expectations and they can be as selfish as they like with you.

Why would consider moving in ANOTHER selfish man.

You need to find your self respect and anger.

I would be SO pissed off at him not bothering his arse doing what he said he would.

Stop cookibg for him like some skivvy.

Apologies if I'm sounding harsh but you need to find your anger because you are wasting time with a user who really doesn't value you, your time, your efforts.

He's far too comfortable.

Stop the cooking for goodness sake.

It's fine not to follow through. Nobody like skid marks.

I agree with others, if he’s a lazy fucker now, and expects a little domestic drone to run around after him after his long day at work where his leisure/rest time is far more important than yours - why are you trying so hard to make it work? He might ‘try harder’ for a while but his deep seated attitude towards you and the subtle lack of respect will remain.

I'm of the mindset that you automatically just help. Most people can walk into a room / read a situation, see what needs doing and crack on.
My DH is of the mindset that you need to ask for help.

I was out once with my Mum driving the car. It was a sunny day and I automatically reached into her bag to find her sunglasses for her. If I'm driving, I have to ask DH if he wouldn't mind finding my sunglasses in my bag please. It would just not cross his mind to be proactive. Drives me nuts.

Communication, communication, communication is key here.

Be honest with him, tell him when he promises things and doesn't deliver, he lets you down and basically shows himself to be a liar.

Tell him you have no desire to live with someone who does a little around the house as him, so there's no point discussing a home with him in the future.

Tell him it's easy to see why his last relationship broke down, as I bet he treated his ex like a skivvy as well and if he wants a successful relationship, he needs to treat his partner like an equal.

Tell him he's welcome to come to yours for dinner, but because he never cleans up, he can buy the ingredients and cook it (a chippy tea doesn't count) if he wants to eat at yours.

It doesn't have to be an argument, or a problem, just point out the facts each time they arise: "you're coming to mine tonight? Yep, great. But as I've cooked and cleaned up the last dozen times, you can cook - a healthy meal please - and clean up tonight, it must be your turn for the next 10 nights I'd say."

He's divorced? You don't say.

Lazy entitled bloke.

OK so on one hand, we are always told that your partners aren't mind readers and we need to tell them what we expect from them. And I think that's right and fair enough when it comes to things that are maybe not standard or completely common sense.
However I agree with you that a considerate partner with eyes in their head, would realise what things need doing and just do them. I'm not banging my own drum here, but I always have, regardless of whose house we were spending the night at, I would help with dishes and general tidying and dusting. I don't believe in the attitude "not my house, not my problem" , but I believe "the person I love has also had a hard day and they've still gone out and cooked for me, I want to do my bit too to show them how much I appreciate them."

And, call me judgemental, I also believe that people who don't just get up and help you with these chores are hence inconsiderate, entitled and lazy. And experience has proved me right.

In addition to all this, there is also something called, the mental load. And this is a big, often unacknowledged, task which is often carried by one person.
This is seeing everything : what needs cleaning, what needs tidying etc
Remembering everything: do we have enough toilet rolls, kitchen and pantry essentials, kids activities etc etc.

The other person expects to just be told what's needed and if being tasked with something, might do it, but it is ridiculous that they have to be told. The mental load needs to be shared as well, because it can be exhausting to be relied on for being the household manager and having to give everyone tasks.
I think with another adult it is not too much to just expect them to think for themselves with things like this and help out of their own accord.

So yes I agree boyfriends aren't mind readers, and hence I wouldn't expect him to know how I feel unless I tell him. But you don't need to be a mind reader to see that the dishes need doing or the fridge is empty, and the kind thing to do would be to help out, so for me consistently not helping would be a deal breaker.

Also you might be interested in this podcast https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tiny-betrayals/id1601845368?i=1000547638234

I see this thread is three months old. Wonder how things have progressed?