Hi. I'm in my late 30s and I think I'm going through a bit of a meltdown in terms of my relationship with my family.
I'm the youngest, I have older brothers. The eldest brother treated me terribly for years (roughly aged 13-33), I can now see it was bad sibling bullying. My parents were well-meaning but totally ineffective in setting down any boundaries with him. He basically ruled the roost and I was the quiet placating girl (therapists have picked up on how when he had one of his violent outbursts, I would be sent out of the room/house as a form of damage limitation). Confusing!
My middle brothers both dealt with his domineering behaviour by moving abroad and have remained very tight-lipped about the impact they had on them (they are both very avoidant/peace-keepers). I think I feel abandoned by them, we used to have a good relationship but now very emotionally distant.
Over the past 5 years I have repeatedly tried to articulate the impact this bullying had on me and middle brothers to parents. However my parents are not willing to bring it out into the open and instead rather put the blame on me (too sensitive, how dramatic, have been 'therapised', should be more forgiving, move on). I feel so lonely and let down by this.
As you can imagine, my relationship with eldest brother is very strained. I see him maybe twice a year and even that is hard to tolerate, I get very anxious and depressed before, during and after. He will occasionally get in touch with me out of the blue saying how he wants to have a closer relationship with me which I find triggering. I am still intimidated/terrified of him and have never felt able to be honest with him about how I feel.
I would find being honest much easier if I had back-up from other family members, but my parent's view is "you should forgive him and be friends!" Meanwhile he enjoys a close relationship with my parents and sees far more of my other brothers than I do, despite their hidden resentments. He continues to rule the roost.
Recently I have felt something shift in me where alongside my deep, strong sadness, I feel a new anger towards my whole family. My sense of self has been deeply affected by years of violence and disrespect from my eldest brother, AND also the abandonment I feel from other family members. I have had enough!
I want to just walk away from the whole lot of them but it's a very painful and lonely prospect and I think I've only ever wanted love and protection. Seeking advice!