I’m a mil

[Octav]

I’m a mil to a lovely girl I’ve always treated as my own daughter. I’ve never visited without asking as she didn’t want me to. Now she won’t even speak on the phone or answer a text. I gave up trying and it’s been 12 months.I’ve given her and son so much money over the years and gone without, gave them money for a holiday and they took her mom and dad. There is so much more, I know I have been a fool.My husband died and I’ve missed my family so much, I see my son rarely but he rings, I asked him what I had done wrong, he said nothing she prefers her own family.
I got on well with my mil and treated her the same as my own mom, invited her to all family occasions she was involved in her grandchildren’s lives and they loved her.
I know that a lot of people now don’t want their mother in law. But we love them as much as our dil loves their sons. It’s very hard knowing you are not wanted, if you try to have contact you’re ignored, so in the end you have no option but to just accept it. I have no confidence as people I know are part if their families lives and I spend ages thinking, do I talk too much, is it because I’m not working now and don’t look as I used to. I know my son should assert himself, but she is the mother of their children and if course she will always come first.

You can only be yourself, if she doesn’t want you now, there’s not a lot you can do. But don’t hand over any more money. Keep the communication open with your son, and don’t ask about this subject anymore. Just talk about positive things.

I'm sorry you lost your husband.
Your son is at fault In this situation.
Yes she is his wife and mother of.his.children but if, as you say, you have done nothing wrong, there was no falling out etc then he should be maintaining a relationship with you.
Don't give them any more money.

How far away to you live?
Do they both work?

That sounds really sad - has nothing at all gone on between you giving them money + support and now zero contact for a year?

I know you've said your son should assert himself, and I kind of believe most sons absolutely would, unless something had gone on? I find it hard to believe (unless the son agreed with the treatment!) he'd also go NC for nothing?

There was a sad thread a day or so ago from a young mother. She was asking why she suddenly was so irritated by her in laws now she had had a baby. She liked them and they had done nothing wrong but she realised she just didn't want them in her life. She felt guilty about this and was asking for advice. So many other posters admitted to feeling the same. It is akin to step mothers finding it hard to tolerate step children once they have children of their own.
She just found that now she had a daughter of her own she wanted her mother to be involved in her daughter's care but not her PILS.
She hadn't expressed this to her husband in real life and she felt guilty but she was aware that increasingly everything they did annoyed her and she could not stand them holding her daughter.
It was a sad thread because so many posters seem to imply that it was a biological reaction.

I honestly think MN encourages MIL and PIL hate. A man who has a good relationship with his parents is a 'Mummy's boy'. A woman is encouraged to be close to her parents and if her husband objects, he is described as controlling. It is so common on MN.

I think most dils want to be part of their husbands family and for mil to be part of their children's lives and for everyone's to get on. In your situation you say you havnt done anything wrong and its just the way she is being. Have you tried talking to her to see if there was anything unspoken that has caused this rift?. Maybe something can be salvaged with a good chat?

@Octav my dm used to give money to db and his dw. They treated her v. badly.
She still gave money until she had none left.

Stop giving money, you can't buy love or even friendship.
Create boundaries and live a full life with visits from your ds and family as a bonus.
Keep in touch always in a neutral hows things way.
Invite your ds over in a no pressure way.
Your dgc can still have fond memories even if they dont see you much. Dc love getting post so letters and small gifts.
Your ds is at fault here. He is responsible for a relationship between you and dgc.
So never say anything negative about dil.
Good luck.

You sound lovely and have obviously done nothing wrong, since you have only ever been kind to her and very generous with money. Being a mother-in-law myself I know it's not always easy with the younger generation. They have busy lives and can be quite self centred. I think you have to re-frame this situation for your own peace of mind - you still have a good relationship with your son and he phones you regularly. Does he send pics of your grandchildren on special days out etc? If not maybe encourage him to do so. Seeing what the children have been doing, even when not involved directly is a lovely way of watching their growth and development.

I second others on here, do not hand over any more money. You need to prioritise yourself and maybe try and build up more of a routine with regular 'nice' things like the cinema, shopping trips, coffee/lunch out. Even trips to the library and short walks can structure your week in such a way that you've got other things to focus on. I know that doesn't ever heal this wound but it might just help in terms of distractions, no matter how superficial.

I think we mums are destined to have 'empty nest' several times over. Not only when they first leave home, but also on marriage and then again when the grandchildren arrive. We are just getting over no longer looking after our grandchild as he has now started school, so see him much less frequently. But, as I said earlier, appreciate that their lives are extremely busy and can't cram everything in at the weekends, when they're both working. In our case, due to divorce on the other side of the family - there are three sets of grandparents to accommodate, as well as aunts and uncles on their side! My daughter does her best but they do need time to themselves as well.

So, I hear you and absolutely understand how sad this is for you. There's no point in blaming anyone - it sounds as though your son does his best, but as you point out, he is always going to prioritise his wife. Once you've thought it all through, I really would try and get on with your own life - I'm sure your son will always be there for you, albeit at the end of the phone. Sympathies from me. xx

I don’t quite understand your son’s position. He strikes me as being a bit lazy about this. Why does it have to be either/or where grandparents are concerned? There’s room in their lives for more than one set of grandparents. It’s his home and his child also so surely he can invite you, too. If you were trying to visit the whole time, that would be one thing, but you’re not. I don’t see why the invitations just need to be down to her. Can you talk to him in those terms? If he feels unable to invite you, that is really problematic.

I’m also MIL to 2 lovely girls. One family lives locally and I help with childminding when needed, no issues with them at all. My older son married and moved away, now have a baby. His wife is from near to us, so her parents don’t live any closer to them, but they do have more free time, fewer commitments etc, although we are all newly retired. Although this DIL and I get on really well and she keeps me updated with the baby’s progress and photos, it is obvious that everything’s all about her family. I think it’s more to do with my sons attitude than hers, even during his wedding speech he was quite dismissive of us and really made it all about his “new” family. They are slightly better off than us, but not massively so, they are more sociable too but I have a lot to deal with with some family members and don’t have much energy left for going out and about. Every year, DIL’s parents have gone to stay with them over Christmas and last week my son told me that this year, baby’s first Christmas, they were going to be spending at in-laws house. It sounds as if we’ll be lucky if they drop by for a couple of hours! It’s really hurtful, even worse when it’s your own child who seems to be the one pushing us into the background.

Thank you for understanding, x

I’ve given her and son so much money over the years and gone without

I’m sorry OP. I don’t see how this is relevant. Did you give them the money to help them, no strings, as a loving MIL, or was it to make them “owe” you for all your sacrifice?

Either way, stop giving them any money. They have a relationship with you or they don’t, that’s their choice and should not be linked to money.

I am trying to be constructive, please forgive me if I am barking at the wrong tree. I used to have a friend, she seemed so lovely. Kind, intelligent, helpful. When she confided she had no friends I felt so sorry for her. Then I realised my friend was a very poor listener. She was also very needy - she could talk nonstop for 3 hours describing her problems. She gave me lots of unsolicited advice which was very inapplicable to my own situation. To cut a long story short, after 2 years I started feeling sorry for myself and cut her off. I think you best bet is to somehow get your son to have a frank conversation of what the issue might be. You have to be prepared for frank discussion. The real issue might be that you have been feeling lonely and treating your daughter in law as a confidante. If she is working and has 2 young children she has no time for this. Hence the cold shoulder. I could be completely wrong in my speculation. However you do sound like a lovely person which is why I thought I would mention this possibility to you

Your son will have a relationship with you if he chooses, regardless of what his wife says.

I'd concentrate on him and stop giving him money.

“I see my son rarely but he rings”

I am sorry you are in this situation; it’s very sad. I do think you can’t force a relationship and I would be inclined to allow your DIL all the space she wants.

But your son, and your grandchildren, are a different matter.

Surely he can visit without her if she doesn’t fancy coming along? Rather than focusing on what can be done to encourage your DIL to reconnect with you, I’d instead let them know that it’s okay if she doesn’t want to tag along and that you’d just be delighted with a visit from him and the kids. Then she can have an afternoon to herself.

It is completely shit that you feel used in this way.

I would politely remind him that there will be a time when his children are grown up too and maybe he would want to see his children. Maybe their wives/husbands might prioritise their families too and he doesn't get to see them.

My oldest Ds is only 20 but has seen many a MN thread about this sort of thing and I have made the above comment and made it very clear that it is for him to advocate for seeing his parents too.

Dh and I saw both sets of parents, in fact I spoke to my FIL this morning when he rang me, note not Dh, but me . My MIL was very lovely but sadly no longer with us, neither is my Mum but when they were alive we spent time with both sets.

I agree with this. My only daughter struggles with her MIL who seems to be a bit of a poor communicator (I don't dislike her). Daughter feels she has no relationship with her. The grandparents do occasionally visit at their home. My SIL does go to visit his parents with the children and on his own but my daughter rarely goes. This is not something with which I agree.