Was he abusive?

iwonttakecrumbs · 2023-10-29T00:26:05+00:00

I ended my relationship 5 weeks ago: Im not going to lie, I'm struggling . I miss him so much (his good side of him). I've been analysing our relationship since I left. I would like others opinions if this was probably (mildly) abusive. I am in the midst of thinking about all the good things about him but I think that's the breakup So im going to list it: *he didn't really listen to me, and I know that as I felt it at the time and then he forgot things. *He never asked me about my life other than "what have you done today?" Then he seemed to drift back off and never asked any rhetorical questions. Just be talked about himself. *he was so critical of me, when I did something wrong (nothing major) or didn't do something he thought was right. Like frying an egg, or not eating enough fruit and veg. *he is clever and because I didn't know as much as him on a certain subject he looked down on me. *he was so uptight at times about trivial things *he kept saying my daughter (teenage) was unfit. I told him to stop and he still did it. (She's not sporty, but she's a size ten and healthy and a lovely person!) *he was weird with money..:.:always made sure I paid when it was my 'round'.I'm actually fine with paying my way but he made it a thing: * he never liked my posts on social media, and made excuses to not "be in a relationship" with him on there. All his friends family know about me though. *I've put on weight over the last few years, I'm a size 12 now so I'm not massively obese but I said the other morning, "I've put on a bit of weight" and he said " OH I know you have" but the way he said it was like....no shit Sherlock *he never says he loves me, only when he's pissed. *he got angry when my cat jumped on the coffee table.... i said it's normal. He said she shouldn't be allowed/ *he went mental at me once as we hadn’t slept together for a while and I was cold and had had a few drinks and went sleep in his bed in my clothes ( his house is like an ice cave in winter). He punched the wall in the morning got angry and fucked off drinking all day *he got so angry when i slightly spilt food. * he never remembers about important things in my life. * he never really made plans with me unless it suited him or he felt he had to. *he put his exes feelings before mine "to have an easy life". Because they share a child. They were together years before me. I feel I became invisible to him, I wasn't even myself as I felt judged and not listened to. I'm actually quite a funny person,I make people laugh and I'm positive and cynical in a dry humour sense: he never saw any of that. He drowned me. He had amazing points don't get me wrong, and could be so loving. We have loads in common and in theory could've had an amazing future. He always seemed to be scared of real true commitment though, So I ended it. He's been liking my fb statuses since.... go figure, he never did before 🙄 *

Kp1345 · 29/10/2023 01:29

I think you’ve done exactly the right thing. It’s easy to look back with the rose tinted glasses but you made your decision for a reason. I think what stands out for me is you said ‘I asked him to stop and he still carried on’. You put boundaries in place and he ignored them. I think you need to give yourself some time and perspective and see how you feel in a few weeks. You’ve done the right thing though and you should feel proud of yourself for putting yourself first. Xxx

Aquamarine1029 · 29/10/2023 01:29

He's a fucking nightmare and you're well rid of him.

Be smart and block him completely out of your life. You've wasted enough time on this prick.

Original poster

iwonttakecrumbs · 29/10/2023 01:31

Thanks, I wish my heart would catch up with my mind.

OP posts:

Kp1345 · 29/10/2023 01:34

Bless you. It will- give it time xx

Watchkeys · 29/10/2023 01:35

Why do you need the 'abuse' label? Have a think about why 'He didn't make me happy' isn't enough for you.

Stop focussing on him. This is all about you, now, and on how you choose to recover yourself. It's hardly recovery if you're spending your time analysing him and his behaviours.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/10/2023 01:36

iwonttakecrumbs · 29/10/2023 01:31

Thanks, I wish my heart would catch up with my mind.

It will when you stop romanticising the bare minimum he ever did for you. You are clinging on to the measley crumbs this loser would toss your way when it suited him.

Why the fuck you would miss anything about this loser is beyond me.

Watchkeys · 29/10/2023 01:40

Aquamarine1029 · 29/10/2023 01:36

It will when you stop romanticising the bare minimum he ever did for you. You are clinging on to the measley crumbs this loser would toss your way when it suited him.

Why the fuck you would miss anything about this loser is beyond me.

Show quote history

Totally disrespectful to OP. 'Why the fuck would you do what you did?' is horrible. Presumably he met many of her needs, which would explain what is beyond you. Something being beyond you doesn't mean it's beyond a basic level of understanding.

Original poster

iwonttakecrumbs · 29/10/2023 01:40

Watchkeys · 29/10/2023 01:35

Why do you need the 'abuse' label? Have a think about why 'He didn't make me happy' isn't enough for you.

Stop focussing on him. This is all about you, now, and on how you choose to recover yourself. It's hardly recovery if you're spending your time analysing him and his behaviours.

I don't know, I think if I thought he was a bad person then I could make it feel better for me?
I know that probably doesn't make any sense but I've spent so long dismissing his behaviour.

OP posts:

Original poster

iwonttakecrumbs · 29/10/2023 01:43

I'm trying to be strong, not romanticise him.
He messaged me yesterday and I ignored him.
But he put "hope you are well"
Like a fucking colleague or some type of twatty email.
Fuck him

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 29/10/2023 01:47

I've spent so long dismissing his behaviour

Where did you learn to do this? Were your feelings respected during childhood? Did you have an absent or distracted parent? Demanding sibling? Illness in the family? What is it that taught you that, when you feel something unpleasant about a relationship, you 'should' put those feelings aside, for 'the greater good'? What is 'the greater good', for you? What's more important than 'He's treating me in a way I don't enjoy, and it's ongoing, so I'm leaving him'?

Original poster

iwonttakecrumbs · 29/10/2023 01:56

Watchkeys · 29/10/2023 01:47

I've spent so long dismissing his behaviour

Where did you learn to do this? Were your feelings respected during childhood? Did you have an absent or distracted parent? Demanding sibling? Illness in the family? What is it that taught you that, when you feel something unpleasant about a relationship, you 'should' put those feelings aside, for 'the greater good'? What is 'the greater good', for you? What's more important than 'He's treating me in a way I don't enjoy, and it's ongoing, so I'm leaving him'?

Both my parents left me when I was 13. One physically and moved countries and one emotionally and nothings been the same since.
I've had therapy to an extent. I've only ever wanted true love.
He made me feel like that but only on his terms.
Ending things with him had been the first thing I've probably ever done for myself - in a relationship way.
I miss him massively, I'm wavering g because I'm thinking of the good times.

OP posts:

CheekyHobson · 29/10/2023 01:00

he went mental at me once as we hadn’t slept together for a while and I was cold and had had a few drinks and went sleep in his bed in my clothes ( his house is like an ice cave in winter). He punched the wall in the morning got angry and fucked off drinking all day

he got so angry when i slightly spilt food.

These two things are clearly abusive and the talk about your daughter's weight is red-flaggy for abuse.

The rest of it just shows him to be an absolutely crap partner who you sound well rid of.

Someone doesn't need to be abusive for you to want to end things.

Watchkeys · 29/10/2023 01:09

I've only ever wanted true love

What does 'true love' mean to you. Define it.

Sorry for the brutal questions. This is about you, and there's a massive lesson here for you, in this horrible experience, if you can find it.

I do feel for you. I've been something like where you are, but different situation with parents (one abusive, after the other died, when I was a teenager) I was 43 when I got a grip on why I was having poor relationships. I'm asking you brutal questions because I had expensive and painful therapy for a year, simply to realise it's a self-respecting thing to do to walk away when a relationship is 99% good, if the remaining 1% is distressing enough.

Original poster

iwonttakecrumbs · 29/10/2023 01:22

Watchkeys · 29/10/2023 01:09

I've only ever wanted true love

What does 'true love' mean to you. Define it.

Sorry for the brutal questions. This is about you, and there's a massive lesson here for you, in this horrible experience, if you can find it.

I do feel for you. I've been something like where you are, but different situation with parents (one abusive, after the other died, when I was a teenager) I was 43 when I got a grip on why I was having poor relationships. I'm asking you brutal questions because I had expensive and painful therapy for a year, simply to realise it's a self-respecting thing to do to walk away when a relationship is 99% good, if the remaining 1% is distressing enough.

I'm 43 too.
I know I have to keep on walking, or where will my self respect be otherwise.
He won't be ever give me what I want from him.
It's just shit, as I do still love him. There were many good parts I just haven't listed them.
This is literally the first time I've used my head in a relationship and not gone with my feelings.
I wish I could disappear and forget the whole thing tbh:

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 29/10/2023 01:28

What does 'true love' mean to you. Define it

What's the answer to this though? That's where you need to be looking.

I wish I could disappear and forget the whole thing tbh

You can forget the whole thing. It was a relationship, not oxygen. We move on from our umbilical cord, and eventually from our mother. You can move on from him, he's just some bloke out of millions of blokes, and he wasn't even reliably nice to you.

Original poster

iwonttakecrumbs · 29/10/2023 03:49

Watchkeys · 29/10/2023 01:28

What does 'true love' mean to you. Define it

What's the answer to this though? That's where you need to be looking.

I wish I could disappear and forget the whole thing tbh

You can forget the whole thing. It was a relationship, not oxygen. We move on from our umbilical cord, and eventually from our mother. You can move on from him, he's just some bloke out of millions of blokes, and he wasn't even reliably nice to you.

True love is acceptance of who you are is enough.
True love is being your full self around someone.
And that love being reciprocal.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 29/10/2023 08:13

There are two of you. You said it in a post above, and we are all the same. You can phrase it as heart and mind. You can phrase it as adult with inner child. You can phrase it as logic and feelings.

The two do not always agree, and in situations like this, your heart is crying out for love, so the mind shuts down the distress the heart displays when you're treated badly, so that it doesn't lose the love it gets when you're being treated well. But the problem is, the heart doesn't stop feeling distressed, you just stop responding to it. It speaks to you ('Hey, what he just said, that hurt me!') but you dismiss it. That is the definition of not respecting yourself; not actually listening to your heart, your instinct, your feelings. That's who you are, and you dismiss her. He has been dismissing her, and you have forced her to keep being around someone who treats her that way, who makes her feel that way.

So, your wish for acceptance, for being enough, for being your true self, is rejected, before you even look externally. And that's what to focus on, now. You have to learn to listen to the part of you that says 'I don't deserve to be treated poorly like that', and you have to love, and accept that part of yourself, and recognise that she is enough, and that she doesn't need to be silenced; she is lovable as she is, and she needs to be taken care of, by you, in the way you would take care of a child who had been treated that way: you remove her from the source of the hurt, you never take her back there, and you reassure her that staying away from people who make you feel bad is the right thing to do. Then, you ask her what she feels like doing today, and you respect her wishes. And you do that every day, from now on. She is your boss. She is your boundaries. She is the only part of you that can feel happy, so, if you don't take care of her, you never will be.

Epidote · 29/10/2023 08:22

Let's say he was one of the multiple frogs one need to kiss before finding the prince. Definitely not for you. Well rid!

KentLife01 · 29/10/2023 08:31

Abusers make you feel that all the blame is on you and they wouldn't have reacted that way if it wasn't for something you said or did. He's lost control of you and that is why he's now messaging and liking your posts. The fact that he punched a wall due to something so trivial really stands out to me. This could have escalated to him hitting you. You're so much better off without him and you know it. He initially showed you his good, kind self to make you trust him and think he was perfect but true colours don't and won't stay hidden for long. You've done the right thing in leaving him.

OliveToboogie · 29/10/2023 15:55

He sounds repulsive tbh. Rude, arrogant, condescending I could go on. He is no bf material. The best revenge is a life well lived. Yours begins today xx

category12 · 29/10/2023 16:07

Punching walls and getting so absurdly angry is abusive, and is a warning that he may progress to physical violence against you. Nit-picking, making you feel small and criticising you needlessly is not loving and chips away at you, and is emotionally abusive.

Making comments about your daughter crosses an absolute line for me. You do not want to inflict such a man on your daughter as she grows up, especially at a sensitive age. She deserves better than that, even if you don't think you do.

whoknows1 · 27/01/2024 01:02

Watchkeys · 29/10/2023 08:13

There are two of you. You said it in a post above, and we are all the same. You can phrase it as heart and mind. You can phrase it as adult with inner child. You can phrase it as logic and feelings.

The two do not always agree, and in situations like this, your heart is crying out for love, so the mind shuts down the distress the heart displays when you're treated badly, so that it doesn't lose the love it gets when you're being treated well. But the problem is, the heart doesn't stop feeling distressed, you just stop responding to it. It speaks to you ('Hey, what he just said, that hurt me!') but you dismiss it. That is the definition of not respecting yourself; not actually listening to your heart, your instinct, your feelings. That's who you are, and you dismiss her. He has been dismissing her, and you have forced her to keep being around someone who treats her that way, who makes her feel that way.

So, your wish for acceptance, for being enough, for being your true self, is rejected, before you even look externally. And that's what to focus on, now. You have to learn to listen to the part of you that says 'I don't deserve to be treated poorly like that', and you have to love, and accept that part of yourself, and recognise that she is enough, and that she doesn't need to be silenced; she is lovable as she is, and she needs to be taken care of, by you, in the way you would take care of a child who had been treated that way: you remove her from the source of the hurt, you never take her back there, and you reassure her that staying away from people who make you feel bad is the right thing to do. Then, you ask her what she feels like doing today, and you respect her wishes. And you do that every day, from now on. She is your boss. She is your boundaries. She is the only part of you that can feel happy, so, if you don't take care of her, you never will be.

I just re read this message and realised I didn't reply, I'm not sure why but maybe I wasn't reading it fully at the time.
Thank you so much. It now makes so much sense.
And for an update I ended up being with him again for a weekend.thinking we would sort things out. He totally played me and didn't contact me after.
It's like something clicked in me after...I called him out on his behaviour and now he is out of my life for good. Told him so, and told him he will never get another chance.
Blocked, moved on. Single and happy forever. Thanks again. I found my boundaries x

Watchkeys · 27/01/2024 21:08

I'm assuming you are OP... that's a great update!

whoknows1 · 28/01/2024 21:10

Yes. I change name sometimes - I get paranoid someone will know me.
I just wanted to say thank you to you and people like you who spend time writing messages that are better than therapy most of the time!
I am so much happier now.
Get a tinge of sadness every now and then as to my brain any rejection means I'm not good enough.
But I know I am. And daily I tell myself I am. And I remind myself how many friends and family think I am.
I'll never lose my boundaries again,
If I ever get into another relationship I'm going to listen to that little voice. But for now I'm thinking single is great!