Going back to an ex?

[PrintedButterflies]

I’ve tried to be on my own but I can’t do it anymore. I have no one absolutely no one. No family or friends. The only family member I had has passed away so now I have no one other than my children. I feel I have no choice but to go back to my ex as much as I’ve tried to be on my own I have absolutely no one to speak to. I’m feeling at my lowest and have not a single person I could reach out to. I know people will say make friends but I can’t, I’ve never had any friends, I’m a loner and always have been, and no one would want to be friends with someone that has no friends because that’s a red flag in itself. Anyway I can’t make friends because I’m a loser, my ex was the only person I had. Surely going back couldn’t be worse than this? At least I would have someone to talk to

Sorry you’re feeling lonely. How old are your children? Why did you leave your ex?

He broke up with me due to his mental illness but he has tried to get back with me ever since but I’ve said no, he seemed to just think we would get back together and I would just forgive him but he said too many nasty things and did too many horrible things that I couldn’t forgive . The children are 10 8 and 5.

Why on earth would you put this abusive man back into your children's lives?

That's just about the most selfish thing you could ever do.

Do not go back to him.

He isn’t abusive. He has never and would never hurt the kids.

Abuse is not just physical. This man is abusive, and you denying it doesn't make it not true.

Allowing an abusive man back into your life because you're incapable of being single is peak selfish parenting.

I’m not incapable of being single what a ridiculous comment. I’ve not dated or attempted to date anyone since him. It’s that I have no one, not a single friend or family member and I can’t cope with the isolation anymore.

How is going back to an abusive partner going to help with your feelings of isolation? How would this benefit your kids?

Because I would have someone? he is medicated now and not a danger to the children and never was.

he said too many nasty things and did too many horrible things that I couldn’t forgive

This is the "someone" you want to have? This is a person you want around your kids? Come on now.

Hardly very helpful comments to someone who is struggling with extreme loneliness ladies.
PrintedButterflies I am not sure if you are in an urban or rural area but there are things you can try. I do understand it is difficult and am a bit like you myself. I tend to think the first thing I would do would be to get a GP appointment and explain how socially isolated you are feeling. We have social prescribing teams where I am. They can help you link in to community clubs and resources which might help you in the longer term. You could also go round checking noticeboards/shop windows looking for things that are going in in your community. The local library would be a good source of info too. I can appreciate you will not have a lot of time on your hands but what are your interests? Could you volunteer your services in a charity shop maybe? Just some ideas to start you thinking. Or swimming - some pools have a ladies only slot.

Thank you. I’m only here for my children now, if I didn’t have them I would be gone. I can’t make friends I have never had friends even in school I’m not a likeable person so making friends isn’t an option for me. I want to talk to someone but I have no one to call, he is the only one I could call. I can go weeks without chatting to anyone but my kids.

So stop feeling sorry for yourself and practice making friends. Do you work? Have you colleagues? Go to a library and talk to a librarian. Plan questions and situations in your life to strike up conversations that could potentially lead to friendships. Are you ever in the school playground?

You can go from zero friends to a reasonable network, it's not a red flag at all to potential friends. I've been on that journey without hiding the fact, and people joining the social groups I've been part of have been similarly honest.

.. I've listened to the stories of people joining these social groups before me, and since I started organising and welcoming new people as an event organiser reassured people who were in a similar position to me when they joined. That openness about my own situation and encouraging people who admit their self-consciousness and fear/hesitance about being the new person is something, before turning up, to show up to events. I've done this even when it's not my event. I'm passionate about it. I don't think social isolation is a personal problem but a question of how we organise as a society and what we do to welcome and include new people. A phrase I like for a lot things: If not now, then when? If not me, then who?

Your kids are more important than this man who by your admission 'has done and said horrible things'. If you could talk to him you can talk to others. Making friends is a skill you can learn. Start by asking people about themselves - always a winner. Do not let this man back in your life or more importantly your children's lives - the chances of them resenting you if you do are very high and then you will have no one. My mother is out of my life as she chose a deadbeat over her kids.

I work from home. I don’t have friends from the school I am a loner I am the mum that stands there on her own most of the parents already know each other and I don’t fit in with them. The ship has sailed there. I wouldn’t approach people I don’t know and speak to them I have social anxiety I don’t have the confidence to approach people. I can’t be someone I am not. My ex is the only one that accepted me having no friends, I’ve read posts on here and someone having no friends is often described as a red flag. So how on earth would I explain to people why I have no other friends.

Have you considered joining a friends making app like bumble (this is not just a dating site) you will find there are a lot of women in similar situations and won’t judge you. X

@PrintedButterflies I understand what you're describing. It's very difficult to offer advice specific for you when I don't know you and where you live. I do want to plead with you not to be in any way embarrassed or ashamed or anything similar about being in the situation you describe and ignore what you've read about it being a red flag. It makes me sad to read that you feel like that

He is dangerous and abusive. Why did you have kids if you couldn't protect them??

In what way is he dangerous? What has he done to the OP? She hasn't given any examples other than he's said some nasty things, so how can you decide that he's dangerous?

Is this the guy who's never had his children overnight and you split from 6yrs ago?

@Jennifersantos ?