I am SO confused.

[0hshite]

I don't know what I'm doing & I need some perspective.
How do you know when it's right to leave? I'm not unhappy but I'm not happy.
I prefer being in the house without him. I don't feel like I want to be affectionate towards him, I cringe when he touches me but he is now a great father & a good partner.
(I say now, he has been fairly substandard for the majority. Always putting work first, preferring to be gaming or out)
We have been through a lot and together 15 years but I just think is this really it for me?
I am terrified of making the wrong decision and imploding the lives of my children.
All I wanted was to marry him, now the thought fills me with dread.
We have a nice life; good jobs, a nice house. I cant afford to stay in the house on my own. I know the grass isn't greener but I just cannot shake off this feeling.
Is this depression, am I just incredibly unhappy in life or is this just what happens after so long together and 2 young children?

Why would you doubt your feelings? What do you think makes you somebody who isn't 'good at feeling things in the right way'?

You feel how you feel and that's completely valid. There is no 'right way'.

Whether you have young children or not, you cannot spend the next 40 years being unhappy. If you are absolutely sure, if you have tried talking to him, tried everything possible, then leaving is a perfectly reasonable course of action.

You could make a long term plan, add to your skills and give yourself a period of time to be sure. If after that time, you still feel the same, then act.

To spend a life pretending is unfair to you all.

I was in literally this exact situation 18 months ago and could have written your post. I did leave and we’ve filed for divorce. Since leaving my health has been better and I’ve had way more energy.

However.. I don’t think we really thought through the impact on the kids (mine are now 15 and 11) and I often feel consumed with guilt about splitting up the family. There’s no fixing the relationship now for us, but I sometimes wish we’d stuck it out til they left home for their sakes.

Would couples counselling be an option?

@MintJulia I have this awful feeling that I'll do it and realise I've made the biggest mistake and then it will be too late. He has already told me if it's done, its done. He won't do a trial seperation and to be fair I guess that is quite confusing for the children.
@SpringboksSocks we have tried counselling in January. I found out he had been getting quite close to someone at work and I can only describe as going through hysterical bonding, desperate to stay together when reality I probably should have called it quits then. This is at the point he changed everything to become this perfect partner & father. He has changed his life completely but I'm turning into someone I don't want to be; withdrawn & low.
We could rub along together for the rest of our lives but I just want to feel more. He says it will come and this has just been a bad year, he won't ever change back to how he was & nobody could make me happier than he can.
Do you ever regret your decision?

I regret it when I see the impact on the kids, but in our case too much has been said and done and this point that sadly there’s no going back. I’ve learned now after a few months of OLD just how great a guy he is. So if your partner seems genuine about wanting to make a go of it then I wouldn’t give up too quickly. Could you mix things up a bit? Do new stuff together etc.

We saw 3 different therapists in total and they were all completely different in their approach, so it might be worth trying again. Wishing you the absolute best x

@SpringboksSocks that is my biggest worry; I'll do it and then realise the grass is not greener and it's too late to go back.
Yes I think that may be a good idea. I at least want to know that I've explored every avenue to try and make it work as I do think he is genuine, I'm just not sure that too much has happened between us now and we are two very different people.
At least you can say you've tried and its better to be alone than unhappy. I'm sure there are bigger and better things out there waiting for you. 🙂

@0hshite I had one that realised he'd taken me for granted amongst other issues and stopped it, but it was too late.

This might seem shallow but how do you feel about his appearance? If you still think he's good looking he might win you round.

Mine wasn't very attractive physically/was bad in bed, or I might've responded better to his conversion experience.

@porridgeisbae it's quite ironic because I'm not even sure I like this new version. Yes he is a great partner & father now but it is also such a massive change it's all feels a bit much. Yes, I wanted him to be better but I don't want someone who now will no longer leave the house to socialise, comes home from a day at work and says how much he misses us all🤨
I do still think he is attractive when he has a shower, a haircut etc. But not sure I fancy him.

Would rather not have sex with him either which makes me wonder whether I just have a very low sex drive or would want it more with someone else. I did have a friend tell me that life is too short for bad sex!

I think you’re being a massive spoilt brat and need to grow up.
It sounds to me as though your husband is making a huge effort to try to save his marriage, I think that you should try to do the same before you balls it up and live to regret it.

@AllrightNowBaby thank you for your kind words. You may very well be right!

How much resentment do you have? That can be very hard to get past especially by yourself. It is known as the relationship killer.

I see you have had couple's counselling already but maybe you need your own. I really don't like you saying you feel low and withdrawn but he has become more family orientated. Is he trying to make you out to be the bad guy despite him being it?

Your willingness to go along with this unpleasant comment is really worrying, OP. It's just someone being unpleasant to you because they don't understand how emotions work. They are dismissing your feelings and criticising you for having them, and you're going along with it. You'll never be happy, if this is how poor your respect for your feelings is.

Actually I wouldn't put it exactly as Allrightnowbaby but the sentiment is not too far wide of the mark.

Marriage is full of ups and downs. I had a long period post kids where DH was the devil personified and nothing he could do would of made me happy. He has certainly felt the same about me over the last 38 years. The same went for my parents and DHs .
Whilst I would never expect anyone to stay in a marriage where abuse of any kind was a factor, the fact that your decisions will have such huge consequences for you and your children, which may well be irreversible. Means that you owe it to you all to think about your next step carefully.

I would definitely seek further therapy with a balanced qualified psychologist. Not someone who has done a 'counselling course' at the local college a few months ago and has an unrealistic understanding of the realities of single parenthood - not to mention the disruption to children of living between two homes for a decade or more.

@AllrightNowBaby Yep, I know. That's all I think about.
If we did not have our 2 beautiful children I am 99% sure we wouldn't be together, however we do and the last thing I want is to see 50% of them and share Christmasses and birthdays. That's why I am so torn.