Unhappy and not sure how to fix things

[Muckyones]

Husband and I are both 55, we work full time with stressful jobs. I currently have health problems (adenomyosis and endometriosis) and have had a year of hospital procedures and investigations. Im currently on Zoladex injections and have had to stop my HRT. My menopause symptoms are awful and I’m considering taking some time off work. I give this by way of context as I know I am struggling with pain, anxiety and general mental health. He knows all this. We’ve been married for 29 years and have known each other since we were 17. Life has been tough (neonatal death of our second child) but we have two wonderful adult children. Our son, 26 lives with us which is an added stress. My husband has always lied to me - it’s a character flaw which I choose to accept. On a lot of levels we are soul mates but I am becoming increasingly frustrated by his lies. These are not about big things - I will call him out on something, he will deny it, we argue then he admits lying. It makes me feel like I am going mad and I am exhausted by it. He’s having a challenging time at work and has admitted he likes to exercise his control at home. I’m thinking about couples counselling (we’ve had this a couple of times over the years), but I’m worried his behaviours are too entrenched. Has anybody been in this situation and things have got better?

it’s a character flaw which I choose to accept

But you don't. I am becoming increasingly frustrated by his lies

You need to decide what your boundaries are, rather than expecting him to change. He knows you don't like it, so continuing to do it is him deliberately doing something you don't like. That's outright disrespect for and dismissal of your feelings.

His 'behaviours' aren't 'entrenched'. He actively chooses to lie to you, knowing it makes you feel like you're going mad, and then he continues to argue his corner until you're exhausted.

Stop finding reasons to let him off the hook. Look at his behaviour, and decide whether you want to keep putting up with it. Act accordingly. Don't complicate it any further than that.

I would suggest private therapy first for yourself.

Menopause is a stressful time. It changes your body and your mind.

For many women (including me), it becomes the catalyst for deciding that you want more from life. You decide you that you are fed up being a small bit player in everyone’s else life. You realise you have been a mug and haven’t been treated well.

I think you would also find it worthwhile to use therapy to work out how you do feel about the lies, and why you are finding it harder to cope with now.

The therapist could help you work out why your husband lies.

I have been having therapy myself, so my immediate thought was that your husband lies to get his own way in the moment. If he thinks his wants are more important than yours then that may mean he doesn’t respect you enough to treat you as his equal.

That was what was at the root of my ex’s problem. He thought he was such a superior being, he treated me like an annoying house servant who he couldn’t sack.

My DH also lies about little things, he says it’s to stop me ‘going off on one’, but I’m twice as mad when I find out he’s lied.
Add that to the daily drinking, and my peri menopause has made me open my eyes to how much I’ve tolerated for the sake of the kids/family. It’s time to end it for me, I deserve a better life than a life with a husband who lies and drinks

Couple's counselling sounds like a bad idea if he's controlling/gaslighting- cos those are emotionally abusive behaviours. It's not a couple's communication problem, it's a him problem.

Do individual.

Ask him to do some too with focus on his compulsive lying. (Not that you can actually trust him not to lie about it, i guess.)