Dealing with partner burnout

[TheFoundation]

My partner has recently left work due to excessive pressure. It really was extreme, and I wholeheartedly believe that it was the right decision. We're ok regarding finances, so that's not so much an issue, but...

My partner has changed. Everything I/we have read about burnout appears to support that these changes are normal, and will be resolved once the burnout is. I'm just finding it very hard to cope with living with this stranger, who seemingly has a different level of emotional awareness and sensitivity, and a defensive stance to any grievance, however carefully raised.

We were so happy before. So much on the same wavelength. I don't want to feel as distant as I do, but I can't control how I feel. I've responded by trying to talk about it, but we seem to always end up shouting, and I can feel myself withdrawing emotionally.

Has anybody been through this? If so, how did it/your partner get better? How did you deal with missing them whilst they were different?

Bump..? Anyone?

Just bumping this again, still having a tough time.

Wondering if anyone's been through the same.

Given it's now been over 3 months since he left work, can this really be burnout? Has he sought any mental health support?

Have you managed to have any respite, can you get away on your own?

@tribpot

It can take up to a year to recover from. Yes, she's seeing a counsellor, and feels terrible about how this is affecting our relationship. It's like she's got 2 different personalities. She's actually quite a lot better now, but I feel like the trust I had in our relationship has been affected, and we've had another big fall out over the last few days. She just turns into someone else.

It's a bit difficult to get away but I should probably try.

I think it's understandable that this has had a profound effect on your relationship. Maybe the relationship won't recover but perhaps it can with time. I wonder if you need to speak to the counsellor to ask for strategies of how you can air differences of opinion in a way that's more productive for both of you? I'm not suggesting it's your fault that she is reacting badly, but rather for advice on how one lives with a person recovering from burnout. It's impossible for you to just suppress all of your feelings and needs - I would imagine you did quite a lot of that whilst she was still working.

I think some space would help both of you.

@tribpot

Thank you. It's a really strange thing because for a lot of the time, she's able to see the mechanisms in her that change, and she's able to see how things change in her head. She says she goes into 'fight or flight' and gets defensive, and it all stems from there. She's never like that when she's well, she's ego-free, almost, and incredibly easy to talk to about anything and everything. And then suddenly she switches, and it can be over things that she herself can later see are inconsequential. I never see it coming, and when I do see it, she won't let me walk away, because she desperately needs to 'fix' the misunderstanding.

Not sure I'm making sense! There just seems to be no way of avoiding these awful fall outs, and I'm pretty worn down, now. It all started last summer... We've not been together 3 years yet.

I think there should be more positive changes by now. Given that there aren't you both need to explore why. It sounds like she's pretty open on good days but also that she cannot see how to help herself. You could suggest at one of these good times some external help. Also make sure she's getting external validation elsewhere. Work was probably identity. She needs to find something else that makes her feel good. A club hobby or sport is a good start.
Also needs to set new boundaries and stick to them when it comes to work and play. Both of you. It's really really hard when you have burnout not to feel like a complete failure.

All sounds pretty normal for burnout to me, I think the lack of connection in particular is particularly understandable. I've been her, and all i wanted to do was to be left alone, i couldn't cope with even tiny demands being placed on me. Do you have other support that you can lean on, so that she doesn't feel like she has to carry your stuff as well as hers? Friends, or a counselling professional.

I know this is a cliche to suggest on MN these days, but undiagnosed neurodiversity can contribute to burnouts, and it's particularly under-diagnosed in adult women. If there's a chance she has some of that going on as well, then both of you would benefit from getting to understand neurodiversity a bit more and what can help. In fact it's not a bad thing to research anyway, because the same techniques can help neurotypical people too.

In general try to make as few demands on her as possible. Learn a bit of non-violent communication. Make her living space as restful as possible. Suggest that you spend time "parallel playing" a fair bit and going out for walks in nature.

@Grimchmas

All sounds pretty normal for burnout to me

That's really reassuring, thank you. I appreciate your input. 'Parallel play' is actually what I suggested this morning, so it's also reassuring that I'm moving along the right lines with that. It's good to hear from someone who's been where she is, because from my side, it's really hard to understand. We've talked about neurodiversity a lot; I have autism and she has a lot of similar traits, particularly taking things very literally. Usually we laugh about it a lot, but it's not so funny lately.

@Themermaidspool

I think there should be more positive changes by now

Why? She's feeling down a lot less often, now, and everything we've read said that this can take many months to recover from. It looks to us as if recovery is on a normal trajectory, but, in a way, that's making it harder to manage from my side, because when she was low all the time, it was predictable and I could deal with it, even though it was shit. Now, she's back to her normal self quite a lot of the time, and then suddenly changes without warning. It's really really hard when you have burnout not to feel like a complete failure She's said pretty much these exact words. It's so sad to see her feel like that. She's such a lovely person, and nobody would ever see her as a failure. Except her!