OLD burn out

[OLDisburningmeout]

I suppose I just want to vent and hear from others about OLD. I am feeling so burnt out from it but I want a relationship and don't have a lot of other ways to meet men. No prospects at work/socially and hobbies/groups I have looked into seem to be at times I can't manage due to childcare issues.

I split from my kid's dad 2 years ago after being together since we were teens. I spent time alone, had therapy, processed the break up and felt ready and excited to date after a year. I am 37. I have a job that I love, kids are doing well and I've done lots of work on my physical and emotional health.

I've met lots of men through OLD and I get a lot of interest. I've had some first dates that went nowhere (fair enough, to be expected), a FWB situation that actually felt quite healthy and honest but we ended it as we started seeing other people. A situationship that ended when the guy ghosted me after love bombing me for 3 months. Trouble is I fell for him hard and haven't got over him.

Recently I met a lovely man I really clicked with, we spent the whole night laughing. He said he liked me a lot but he was upfront about wanting kids whereas I don't want anymore so we called it off. We were both gutted but it was probably for the best. Then last week I had a first date with another man. I felt so disappointed as he looked nothing like his pictures and I felt zero attraction. I told him I wasn't feeling it afterwards but thanked him for a nice night and he got quite defensive and pushy. There have also been so many ghosters and creeps who try to talk about sex immediately (who get blocked).

I just want some intimacy, companionship and someone to do nice things with. I also can't get over situationship guy and find myself pining over him and comparing every man I meet to him. I know he's no good for me but I can't get him out of my head. I normally have boundaries but I let him trample all over them cos I liked him so much, foolish I know. I battle every day not to message him, I wont but it's hard.

I reckon I will just take a break from it all and try to build myself up again. I'm probably not going to give off a good vibe if I carry on dating because of how I'm feeling. It feels even worse because my kid's dad got coupled up easily, despite being a difficult man with lots of issues. I am also the only one among my friends who's gone through a separation and is single so while they are supportive, I do feel like an outsider. I know comparing myself to others is pointless but it's hard not to.

Anyone else been through similar? Please tell me I am not alone here in feeling like this. I am trying to make the best of how my life has turned out and do all the right things, but it feels so hard and demoralising! Thank you for reading if you got this far.

Juts wanted to come and say I totally understand how you're feeling. I'm 3 years older you and split with ex h 3.5 years ago,
I especially relate to the part where people who are married/coupled up don't really understand the whole dating thing even ones that dated lots pre kids. They just say things like 'oh god I could never date again I'd just stay single forever' or they treat it like s huge fun game which in a way it is but feelings get involved in this 'game' and it feels like they're trivialising how hard it can be.

In the time since I spilt I've had a year long relationship that I ended as he seemed to have totally lost interest in sex. I've had a couple of 'flings' where they got a bit intense or red flags arose. I've had multiple dates some of which have been ok like yours have and a few awful ones.
Then literally just ended an 18 month relationship this morning (currently have a thread on AIBU) so feeling pretty low.
He was great in many ways but ultimately just felt like he js majorly emotionally avoidant and despite me sticking my fingers in my ears and 'La La La-ing' my way along convincing myself that I'm relaxed/easy going kinda gal who doesn't need much, turns out there's certain behaviours etc that I need (or will need) from future partners.

So a virtual hand hold over here. It's a jungle out there . I keep thinking eventually I'll find someone but the prospect can be exhausting.
I think an OLD break can be a good thing.

Thanks so much for your reply. I'm sorry about your break up, it's rough but ultimately sounds like you've done the right thing for yourself. It's soul destroying to have to accept what they're offering when you know it's not enough or the same as what you want. Sounds like a massive act of self care you've done, though probably doesn't feel like it at the moment.

I get what you're saying about friends as well. At first it was kind of fun to tell them about my dating stories but now I feel there's a few in particular who seem to revel in hearing about my shitty experiences. Like they quiz me about men I'm seeing but I just am starting to feel embarrassed and like some sort of pariah! All the 'oh I'd never cope with dating so glad I'm not single' comments are tiresome too, yeah I never thought I'd find myself here either but god it's been humbling.

I would love to just stay single and be happy alone but despite my difficulties I do like men and their company and want a relationship. I do feel a bit vulnerable to overlooking red flags because I want a relationship, so perhaps another reason to step away from dating for now. It is an exhausting jungle!

I am afraid what you are experiencing is very common and I think you have to be very very lucky to meet someone for a relationship in your late 30s/early 40s. Most single men will either want to settle/have children or those that are out of long term relationships/marriages will only be looking for something very casual/nothing close to commitment/relationship. I think it is still worthwhile to try to meet people IRL- even if it is through your kids’ activities, and to expand humour social circle via work/local running groups/gym etc. I would love to hear any positive stories as neither I nor my single friends in late 30s/early 40s have had any success over the past five+ years!

You could be me OP! Same time separated, he is now happily coupled up. Only one of my friends separated. I also have just got out of a situationship that I can’t get over and even though I knew it wasn’t right I also liked him so much so I let it drag on. Also had a very disappointing date where he looked nothing like his photos despite sounding great in theory.

it’s hard isn’t it? But I am treating it all as a learning experience. I’m looking at the positives and hoping it’s all just things I need to learn in order to get to where I deserve to be.

occhiazzurri I think you may be right, it matches my experiences so far. But how depressing. Stupidly perhaps I thought there would be lots of separated men who already had kids and would want some companionship as I do. Not found any so far!

Mapleunicorn sorry to hear you've experienced similar to me, it's so draining, especially the situationship. In a way it's reassuring to know others have been through the same cos it would be easy to let it erode my self esteem otherwise. I like your way of looking at things too. Just wondering how many more lessons in the form of unsuitable men need to come my way 😂😭

Just having a bit of a wobble tonight I think. The urge to contact situationship guy is pretty strong right now but I will resist and go to bed instead.

I am also in virtually the same situation! Had a situationship a few months ago and it was hard to get over. I got over him by starting a new situationship which was even shorter and also all wrong. My approach has been to go on as many dates as possible. Some are ok, some are boring, but it's something to do. But I'm getting tired of repeating the same information about myself over and over.
I've also found that dads are really annoying about their children. Of course it's good when they see them regularly, but they make such a big deal out of it and how much they have to juggle, when they see them for a grand total of 8 days a month. Like, try juggling 30 days a month!

Just read this today....

‘It’s quite soul-destroying’: how we fell out of love with dating apps | Dating | The Guardian

"I especially relate to the part where people who are married/coupled up don't really understand the whole dating thing even ones that dated lots pre kids. They just say things like 'oh god I could never date again I'd just stay single forever' or they treat it like s huge fun game which in a way it is but feelings get involved in this 'game' and it feels like they're trivialising how hard it can be."

I can totally relate to this and the other posts above - I am older than most of you - I'm 60 and have been separated from my DD's dad for 6 years, had a 4-year relationship with someone I met online, which became FWB and we are now just friends without benefits. But most of my friends are in long-term relationships and a few of them are always saying things like 'I'd never date again if I were to separate from my DP/DH' - or 'You are so lucky to be single, I'd love to have lots of time on my own', etc. They just don't get it. They make me feel like I'm asking too much or am too needy. One of them thinks I'm addicted to OLD, which is ridiculous because I really don't even like it and don't spend much time on the app (Ourtime). But it's only natural to want to find someone to share life with, for intimacy, companionship and simply to have fun! My friends who are in LTR already have that and their comments make me feel like I'm weird for wanting the same thing!

OLD really is hard work - and a bit of a lottery. I hate the fact that it's based on photos really. You have to be very thick-skinned and careful too.

Like OP, I am not able to meet people through work as I work from home. I have been trying to join in different groups - hiking, for example. But it really is tiring, isn't it? I know it's better to be on your own than in an unhappy relationship, but I'd just like to be in a happy relationship again.

Bananapants2022 I really hear you about a new situationship to get over the last one. I think that's mainly why I'm upset cos I haven't found anyone suitable to distract me from him yet. So I'm not over him and I'm relying on men to boost my self worth. Not good, I need to do that for myself.

I'm watching myself making these poor decisions, but I'm still making them! I feel like I've started disassociating from myself cos I'm so burnt out. I'm going to have to take a break, I'm in no fit state for it right now.

MariaLuna that article sums up a lot of it - the overwhelm, the insecurities and the amount of headspace OLD takes up.

Shimla999 yes I totally get being made to feel weird for wanting what friends already have. One of my friends tells me how bad her marriage is and that she'd love to be in my situation. Her marriage is awful to be fair, but like you said I don't want a just any crappy relationship, I want a nice one!

It sounds like you have had a lot of interest and getting some dates

Come off, step away for a few months and then try again in January

I did OLD for many years. It's soul destroying but don't givr up

It is a numbers game

I really feel for you.
I am very new to OLD and already find it emotionally tough.
I separated from my husband a year ago having been together since University (I am late 30's) but our marriage had been over for a few years before that.
So far in the 2 months I've been attempting OLD I have have had conversations with maybe 8 or so people.
I've had 5 dates arranged (one was with the same person as was a rearranged one) and each one cancelled before the date, so I've met no one.
The last one I really liked, we seemed to get on really well. We had been chatting for a month and it's all just imploded.
I am genuinely gutted more than I thought I could be.
I think because I'm so lonely and miss contact with another man after years of feeling alone it's hard when you build yourself up to be rejected.
Everyone says that it's because they weren't right for you, and someone will come along, but when you are in the midst of it, you don't feel that way.
And I think I am very aware of my age. Everyone will come with baggage at this point and the older I get, it feels the less likely someone will be attracted to me/want to make a life with me, and then it's a cycle as I then get older and it gets harder again.

@DoYouAgree can you say more about your avoidant ex? I am in an 18 month relationship with a very avoidant man and I really wanted it to work but have started to realise I just can’t do it

Floating83 I feel pretty much exactly the same. I think I've been putting pressure on myself cos I'm acutely aware I'm getting older. It's silly really but I'm realising OLD can make you behave kind of irrationally like that.

It is very annoying when they bail after arranging a date, so I hear you. I'd say for every date I've had, I've probably spoken to at least 5 men who never materialised. I swear some profiles aren't even real and of the real ones, many have no intention of meeting, they're just there for an ego boost, possibly married as well. Or, as one guy I got chatting to, just there to ask for photos and inappropriate questions about sex 🙄 he seemed so nice to begin with 😩

@conkersandmilk yeah sure.

It was a whole myriad of things that may sound a bit insignificant on their own but all meshed together was killing my self esteem.

-he didn't used to compliment me and seemed uncomfortable if I ever complimented me. The most I ever got was a 'wit woo'

• never said I love you first only said it in response to me saying it.

-never seemed to take a huge interest in my life like he'd ask how my day was but would never ask about ongoing things that were happening you know like work or family things I'd talked about. Felt like he didn't really care.

-very very rarely showed affection when out and about even when on our own like a walk in the middle of nowhere.

• reluctant to be friends on Facebook.

• never had any conversations about feelings in general which I know maybe a lot of men would shy away from but it was like there was never any depth to the conversations - I've had more meaningful conversations with people I've sat next to at the hairdressers!

I do genuinely believe he cared about me but just never got the impression he truly loved me.
When I asked him he would say 'but I always spend any free time I have with you' which although true isn't exactly the declarations of love that I needed to hear.

It's hard as well because in all other relationships I'm pretty secure and I think part of the reason as to why I was drawn to him was that I'd recently been out with someone very intense and he was much more laid back and easy going which by the time I'd well and truly fallen for him realised actually he was pretty avoidant.

Also @OLDisburningmeout I just wanted to agree with the age thing I just turned 40 and feel like half my options will have disappeared. I've really struggled with it.

But at least it's not 10 years down the line wasting it with someone I don't feel loves me.

I'll be waiting a bit then bring on the roller coaster ride of OLD.