Hi, im finally trying to get closure with my divorce and after some time of being seperated/divorced (approx 1.5 years) I'm starting to realise that I was possibly in a controlling relationship.
I am now seeking help for this through talking therapies (on a waiting list)
For my own sanity can anyone confirm if this is coersive abuse? This list is long but not exhaustive:
- Constant nitpicking about the house, comments like this:'You're not very houseproud' 'Poor Cinderella', 'How did you mark/scuff that', 'Will you not mop this way' etc
- Telling me not to do things but then doing them himself 'Don't shut the fridge door like that' 'Take your shoes off in the sitting room' Don't put the wheelie bin there'
- I came home from work every night to a pitch black house, whilst he lay in the spare room on his computer
- Once started to talk about how my salary was rubbish and to get a better paid job
- Not giving me a lift anywhere or ever picking me up after a night out etc
- Complaining if I did go out and got drunk etc
- Saying my feet were weird and my hands were the most uncomfortable hands hes ever held
- Once had a bad time with my skin and he asked how the hell I had spots when I'm in my 30s
- Once on holiday I suggested going for Thai food and he said it was up to him what we ate as he pays
- Often buying me clothes and trainers of his choice
- Making me feel uncomfortable about having friends over to the house
- My friends saying I'm not myself in front of him
- Me helping out with his elderly Father but him showing little effort with my family
- Getting cctv installed outside the front and back of house and monitoring me (which he denied) whilst he worked away
- Spitting in my face once when we had an argument on holiday and leaving me alone late at night
- Obsessed with his appearance and always wearing designer clothes
- Going huffy if I took so long to reply
- Making me dress up every time we had sex, even if we were on holiday
I could go on. I can also add that he argues alot and has fell out with alot of his friends over the years, he also still argues with his Dad- who is 90 and tells him to shut up when he starts telling stories of the past eg. War stories or when he was a child. He works away down South and earns a good salary so is always lavish when buying gifts, even with my family but I'm not materialistic so that doesn't matter to me.
I guess I'm just after some advice, I feel I have trauma bonding to the man but I'm so confused to all the different types of abuse there is and if it was abuse or my fault etc. Any views welcome x