Inconsistent vs absent parent?

[LD233]

My child's father has been inconsistent since birth and he is now 3 months old.. he has gone 2 weeks without seeing him.before and now going two weeks again
He always cancels , is late or let's him down
I have tried to write up an agreement but he's not agreeing to anything I suggest.
He says he cant be bothered to drive 40 minutes here in the week to see his son for an hour and on weekends he can only do set times as he has another son who he clearly prioritises

I am so fed up of fighting for him to see him and make effort and feel like cutting contact to protect my child. I have give him so many chances and he blows every one of them

I don't feel its fair he comes on his terms and comes and goes whenever he feels like it

I have fought for 3 months for him to be consistent- I can't do anymore I'm on anti depressants for PND also. He already put me through hell in my pregnancy left me to do it alone for another woman but trying to put my child first.

Can anyone suggest anything or shall I just continue to allow him to be inconsistent and pop in and out of our child's life whenever he feels like it?
It breaks my heart for my son already because I really wanted him to have a bond with his dad. But I feel he barely knows him when he's not making any effort to see him

Good morning. Your son is very young so the inconsistency will have little to no impact on him atm. I would let it play out, unfortunately you can not force him to be anything different than he is.
I would let him lead the way with how much contact he wants. I suspect it will just fase out, but hopefully not.
Try not to stress about it, it's not your responsibility to organise contact. I think it's one of those things that "time will tell".

You can't make him be a good dad.

You need to stop trying to manage him, and instead have a set day at the weekend for a visit. Maybe every other weekend so he can't spoil every weekend. If he doesn't want to do weekdays, just give it up. If he wants more time, let him fight for it.

Don't chase, if he doesn't arrive within half an hour of the set time for access, you just carry on your day as if it were a non-contact day. Maybe have a bag set aside with stuff for taking the baby out he can use if he does turn up, so you never have to think about it and you're never spending time or effort getting your child ready for something that may not happen.

Just really limit the amount of emotional energy you spend on it.

Children won't like inconsistency. For example if they have a party to go to and dad turns up, it would be cruel to send the child with dad rather than go to the prearranged party.
Ask him what he can commit to- even once every 2 months and don't chase ex in between. That's giving him power and unnecessary headspace.
If he's still inconsistent then absent is better because he won't be letting your son down. Thinking that daddy is coming then him not turning up is worse than your child never assuming that daddy is going to turn up.

I wouldn't try and pin him down or make him commit to anything just now. It's such early days and getting into pointless fights isn't going to help anyone.

It won't matter one way or another to the baby if he is flakey for now.
It's probably in everyone's best interests if you can try and make the relationship with the father as friendly as possible. That can obviously be extremely difficult depending what he has put you through but in the long term it would be easier for you and your baby. Obviously if there are DV or abuse issues or anything like that then that might not be possible.
Lots of fathers are not interested in baby's so it's not that suprising he is "prioritizing" his older child. It's absolutely sucks and it's not ok but it's common. Depending on his older kid it might also be because the older kid is feeling insecure or upset that the Father has a new baby. Who knows.

It's just a shitty situation but you need to be thinking long term.

I don't think inconsistent matters as much as some other Mumsnetters. My Dad used to turn up when he turned up when we were kids. If he didn't make it it was because 'he was busy at work'. There was no fixed time and we were never promised a specific visit. Most importantly my Mother never showed any anger to us about my Dad. She was always positive.

he has gone 2 weeks without seeing him.before and now going two weeks again

on weekends he can only do set times as he has another son who he clearly prioritises

I’m confused why set times on a weekend is a problem, isn’t that what you want?

Is he doing every other weekend? So alternating between his children? Is that the problem, because you want him to visit every weekend?

I’m 10 years into this game, DS’s father has seen him for 6 hours in the past 19 months, and I would really argue that absent is probably better than inconsistent. Every time DS sees his father he gets his hopes up that he will see him again soon, his father makes a whole host of promises he has no intention of keeping, and I’m left to pick up the pieces of my son’s broken heart. He feels massively rejected and it has had a huge impact on his self esteem.

I would really fight to find a solution to this now whilst yours is so young, but honestly, you can’t force someone to parent if they don’t want to. All you can do is support your wee one as they grow up and let them know that they always have you.

Don’t bother chasing him it will only upset you when he cancels. If he wants to make an effort he
will.
I know its frustrating either way and it must be really tough to have a 3 month old on your own and I hope you have some support around you.

Ultimately you can try as much as you want but you can’t force him. Least you know you have tried, but how he acts isn’t your fault or responsibility. Your baby is so young so don’t worry how it will affect him right now as it doesn’t. Just try and enjoy your lovely new baby. It’s his loss!

The weekends he's supposed to see our son he makes plans with friends or with his girlfriend and her children (his other baby mom) so he isn't prioritising our sonvat all. And barely sees him

Just agree a set time each week (or whatever frequency you both agree) for him to see his son eg Saturday 1pm - then if he doesn't turn up or stick to that, don't chase him or make yourself and the baby available for him.

You can't force him to parent his child.

Agree

I don’t know which is worse tbh but my ex hasn’t seen our kids since early may. It will probably get less and less once he’s older.

It's upsetting, and he's missing out, but that's his choice.

He knows you will facilitate access, so just set a regular day & time convenient to you for his contact time. And don't let either your child's or your life revolve around whether he turns up or not.

I know your upset and frustrated but redirect your anger.
Dont use the child emotionally and focus on raising your child.
some men are consistently inconsistent and you need to accept it rather than getting upset about it. ( it is easier said than done but it will pass).
If they continue to be consistently inconsistent, they will accept that it is who they are as long as you remain positive and don’t badmouth the father.
focus on being the best mother you can be, build a support network, focus on building your career, set goals for you and your child, it gets better within time

The shit thing about a lot of men is that they have zero interest in their children as babies, pretty much proved by your ex being reliable for his older child and not the baby. And the shit thing about family court is that they will award a shit father contact whenever they feel like actually making an effort. For now regular contact isn’t important for your baby. And if you ban him from having contact at all, what may happen is that in the future when the child is old enough to be of interest to him, he’ll apply for contact and your child will be forced to spend time with what’s essentially a stranger to them. Don’t put yourself out facilitating contact, but I wouldn’t put a stop to it either

I agree with this to a certain extent. My dad lived within walking distance. He popped over when he felt like it, and when we were old enough we’d decide when we wanted to stay with him. There wasn’t all this ‘if you don’t come and see them every second Tuesday from 10-6 then you’re never seeing your children again. And the benefits work both ways. With no dates set in stone there was no ‘you’re not having them for Mother’s Day/that birthday party/your relatives wedding coz it’s MY weekend’!

Just go after child maintenance
And offer set times he turns up or not.
your son is a baby he wont notice or care
Build other support family or friends

Please tell me he's not the father on the birth cert, you haven't given the baby his surname and otherwise tied yourself to this waste of space?

"Other baby mom" makes you sound a) jealous and b) still invested in having a relationship with your ex, whereas I think that ship has sailed. You need to move on and make a new life for yourself and your baby.

I have not put him on BC and child has My surname. He is threatening court if I stop contact even though he is being inconsistent and barely seeing our son. So it's difficult

Don't stop contact, just offer reasonable access and let him turn up/not turn up.

He can't take you to court if it's clear you will facilitate access. Just don't chase him or try to manage him any more - you need to stop giving him the emotional power over you.

This. You can see X at y time and location convenient to me. I'll wait for 15/30 mins and then get on with my day..
it feels like he has you dancing to his tune and to be frank (and I'm really sorry if this hurts) he's got you where he wants you, You won't see him step up until you have a new partner on the scene.

@LD233 I am going to give you the benefit of my 3 children down the line older woman wisdom.
Your baby is 3 months old and at the moment the old person he is letting down by being inconsistent is you.
I wouldn't be running after him and let him guide it. I don't mean be a pushover but if he suggests Saturday let him arrange the details, don't check if he is coming and if he doesn't turn up make other plans.
I wish I had unclenched a bit... I understand that I was being protective and proactive but it made me so stressed for no reason.
Make a note of what he does and doesn't do. And make sure you chase the maintenance.
When they are babies it's less important to be there every sat at 2. I do believe any time spent is better than none but obviously that alters as they get older. Don't feel the other child is spending time with him and it's taking away from yours. It will get there but they are not very exciting at that age and your not doing day to day life living together. He is a visitor in your home and life really. But you need to coparent.
Only the youngest of my children has a good solid relationship with his dad. They all know who they can rely on though ;)