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Original poster

OLD expectations

14 replies

Onetwothreefour1234 · 28/10/2023 08:31

Hi all, I’ve been online dating. I’ve said I miss the old days where we actually meet people in real life.

facetime to one was pleasing himself, video sex, text sex? Do people not meet and have a drink and take it from there anymore? What are others experiences? Feel completely deflated, I’m not a prude but no interest in computer / phone sex of any kind for someone I’ve never met. Am I the problem? Is this just the normal now?

OP posts:
Petallove · 28/10/2023 08:44

Really?! I have spoken to a few and never had that happen. Avoid the ones with sex chat from day 1. Some are pushy for that. I have had a few face to face dates gone out for a meal etc. I would say back away asap from any that make you feel uncomfortable. Be clear what you are looking for and follow your gut!

Original poster
Onetwothreefour1234 · 28/10/2023 08:45

Thanks, I was quite clear. It’s nice to hear you have had more positive experiences. Thank you, I won’t give up just yet then

OP posts:
samestyle · 28/10/2023 09:32

Unfortunately a lot of men are like that, I've learnt not give out my number too quickly, the ones that want sexual attention normally push for you to take the chat away from the app before you've even mentioned meeting up, don't do it, they will give up talking to you very quickly when you decline! The more decent ones will understand that you don't want to give your number out to just anyone, speak to them for at least a few days to test for their creepiness.

NotMyCircusButStill · 28/10/2023 10:11

What @samestyle said. I didn’t give out my number until after the first face-to-face meeting, and only if I was interested in seeing them again. Any pushy or sleazy behaviour and they got unmatched. Although tbh, if you swipe left on questionable profile pictures (e.g. topless, lying in bed, torso but no face, etc) that should filter out quite a few of them from the start. And don’t fall for the bullshit line “I’m coming off the app/site soon because my subscription is ending so give me your number”.

Original poster
Onetwothreefour1234 · 28/10/2023 10:16

Luckily I haven’t given my number out, only the FaceTime and I learnt v quickly.
its such an eye opener, not something I enjoy but seems to be the way now

OP posts:
JIMMI85 · 28/10/2023 11:42

samestyle · 28/10/2023 09:32

Unfortunately a lot of men are like that, I've learnt not give out my number too quickly, the ones that want sexual attention normally push for you to take the chat away from the app before you've even mentioned meeting up, don't do it, they will give up talking to you very quickly when you decline! The more decent ones will understand that you don't want to give your number out to just anyone, speak to them for at least a few days to test for their creepiness.

Woman are just as bad.

There are as many woman OLD as men who are only there for one thing.

just saying

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/10/2023 13:17

I think part of the problem is engaging in text chatting sessions and video calls in the first place. It’s completely unnecessary, these men are strangers, and you end up interacting with the men looking for virtual sex.

How discerning are you being in responding to messages? I never respond to one word / one line messages such as “hi”, “how are you?”, “what’s up, want to talk?” etc and I don’t agree to endless “chat” in messages or over FaceTime. If they’ve a well written profile, and we’ve exchanged a handful of decent messages to establish things in common, I suggest meeting for a drink. If they stall, I move on. Anything else is a waste of time. I’ve never met anyone weird through OLD and I’ve never had a bad first date, so something must be working.

SamW98 · 28/10/2023 13:30

Unfortunately they’re a lot of sleazy creeps out there pretending to be stand up guys looking for a relationship.
You get better at spotting the red flags with OLD and weeding out the wronguns very quickly.

Ive learned that as soon as they start turning chat sexual before you’ve met, then delete as they’re showing you what they’re after.

Set your bar high. It might mean only a few ones pass and you don’t have many dates but that’s far better than a succession of creeps.

Original poster
Onetwothreefour1234 · 28/10/2023 14:59

So it is normal, unmatch and move on. Good to know, I was wondering if it’s just me being unlucky but it appears not.

@JIMMI85 I agree, it’s an all round problem. I didn’t mean to pick on one gender specifically, it’s obviously just something that happens in OLD

OP posts:
CallmePaul · 07/11/2023 00:16

NotMyCircusButStill · 28/10/2023 10:11

What @samestyle said. I didn’t give out my number until after the first face-to-face meeting, and only if I was interested in seeing them again. Any pushy or sleazy behaviour and they got unmatched. Although tbh, if you swipe left on questionable profile pictures (e.g. topless, lying in bed, torso but no face, etc) that should filter out quite a few of them from the start. And don’t fall for the bullshit line “I’m coming off the app/site soon because my subscription is ending so give me your number”.

Edited

Female friend would click on the guys with their tops off, we'd all say but he's gonna be a dickhead, a super vain dickhead who's just after sex, she seemed blind & was after a proper relationship not just sex, intelligent lady, just terrible taste in blokes!

A few pretty bad men decisions later ( how can you tell he's married, they split & are just doing stuff together for the kids.. ha ha yeh ok) she finally met a nice one, hallelujah!

Hbosh · 07/11/2023 13:02

It takes a few tries, but after a while you'll get better at seeing through the creeps and weeding them out before you waste too much time on them.
In my Tinder days I quickly learned to swipe left every time i saw:

  • A guy shirtless in any of his pictures
  • A guy posting photo's of himself surrounded with several different attractive women (often an attempt to make you feel insecure or jealous)
  • Only selfies
  • Guys showing off six packs (because a man doesn't put all that work in his appearance just for 1 girl)
  • Any mention of "keeping things casual" on their profile
It may have been shallow or quick to judge, but al least I met a few really nice and decent men without wasting too much time on the others.
SamW98 · 07/11/2023 13:16

Agree with the above and I’d also add

  • any first message mentioning body parts (nice breasts, great legs etc)
  • turning chat sexual before you’ve met.
  • wanting you to come to theirs/they come to yours rather than meeting somewhere public
  • digs about their ex on profile
  • wanting to exchange numbers immediately

Everyone has their own red flags which are personal to them but think generally there’s alarm bells once you know what to look for

B1rd · 07/11/2023 21:58

Online dating is hideous...at best!
I had a man say to me this week, after asking him if he just wanted a ONS and he said he couldn't promise anything, so yeas. He said, I was just "setting your expectations" and was surprised when I said, I didn't have any expectations after online dating on and off for 7 years.

booksandbeans · 07/11/2023 22:03

I've learnt not give out my number too quickly, This is good - I also got a 'burner phone' (alongside any burner id's) so any numbers or contact details I did give out were temporary. And once they convinced me they were a vaguely decent human being capable of normal standard behaviour, they got my real one.

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