How do you deal with older relatives when you don’t live nearby?

[PrintersCourt]

My parents are divorced and both live near where I grew up which is a 2+ hour drive from where I am now - I moved here for work. I have a sibling who lives nearish to them as well but they don’t drive.

My dad died recently so I’ve spent the past year travelling up at weekends or in the week to help with appointments etc. My mum and her partner are now looking as though they’ll need similar help.

It’s just impossible trying to fit it all in around work and life. I’m a single parent so at weekends there’s only me to do all the usual stuff like grocery shopping, cleaning, DIY etc plus try to have some downtime. If I’m there for one of the days this all has to be crammed into the other and I go back to work knackered.

I’m also a bit resentful because DM had the chance to move closer to me but chose not to because she didn’t want to downsize/lower her standards. Now neither of them will be driving for much longer so all visits are going to be down to me.

This is really stressing me, I’ve had a tough few years juggling work and a divorce then my Dad’s illness and all I can see in the future is more stress and worry. I really don’t know what to do - me moving closer isn’t an option.

Let them pay for taxis and firmly nudge sibling to help out general day to day.

You are just going to have to say no.

I’ve spent the past year travelling up at weekends or in the week to help with appointments etc. My mum and her partner are now looking as though they’ll need similar help.

No. They can start using public transport, taxis, local handymen etc. You can pick up some slack with online stuff and maybe go once a month but it’s ridiculous for you to take on weekly visits.

I think you need to speak to your mum and tell her that you can't come up every weekend. That is just ridiculous and you'll end up making yourself ill if you continue. Speak to your sibling and see if they can start helping out. If it is a case of sorting out appointments, surely that can be done over the phone or by email. If it's cleaning, you're mum will have to employ a cleaner. If it's more one on one care she requires then carers need to start going in. My parents live a few hours away from me to so I feel your pain. It can take half a day to get there if traffic is bad. You have your own priorities and health to think about so be selfish and start saying no.

I don’t have any solutions for you but just on a 5 hr round trip to see MIL. Her two sons have power of attorney so need to visit every 3 to 4 weeks to check she has enough cash etc. it’s a pain, particularly as we know how this visit will go - cup of tea on arrival, quick chat to make sure all ok. Order something online for her. Out for lunch. Then ‘thanks for coming, but I’m tired now’. We spend longer on the M6 than we do with her! Luckily I get on well with my SIL!
I guess people who don’t have their older relatives now would say they would be grateful for the chance to spend time with them? Housework etc can wait

It can be a nightmare, I have a 2hr route back to mine as well. Find local taxi groups that support elderly people and get your folks the number. You need to be clear you can’t do everything. But you can say “why don’t you ask sibling?” As well.

I think you have to firstly be clear in your own mind what you want / are willing to do. You are not obligated. What you describe is unsustainable.

List what help they need. Look at alternative solutions. Push back.

Mostly, do not allow yourself to feel guilty. You are a parent and your children are your priority.

I have lost both parents and in laws. While DH & I loved them & miss them, I would not go back to those days of juggling life around them.

M mother lives 6 hours away and needs more help kow. Dad died nearly 20 years ago.

I haven't found a solution. Only child with no.kids but I work full time and often away from home.

My PIL's health has dramatically declined over the past year and they suddenly need more support. My DH has a brother, but he lives abroad so it's all down to DH. We live over 2 hours from them and have three teenage DC.

Firstly, they've sold their house and moved into a retirement living flat which has made an enormous difference. There's now lots of support for them onsite. DH had to help a lot with the move which was stressful, but it's been 100% worth it. They didn't even have to deal with the sale of their house as they part exchanged it for the new flat. Would your mum consider this?

Secondly, you need to be firm and put down boundaries. DH goes to visit them once every three weeks (occasionally more often if there's a particular reason). You have to put your foot down and explain you simply can't come every weekend, it's too far.

Go once a month.

The rest of the time help them figure out alternatives.

Have you tried telling them how you feel?

They are adults with capacity, they can sort themselves out.

Do talk to them about health and finance powers of attorney.

And if you do find yourself visiting, at least get your grocery shopping delivered (when you're home) as that's one task made easier.

We all only have a finite pot of time, emotional and physical energy and headspace (which diminishes over time and under stress) - so we need to decide what our personal priorities are and who we conserve and direct our finite resources to.

In your situation my goal would be to ensure my children had the best of me so that the impact of the disruption in their childhood due to breakdown of their immediate family and loss of you to caring for your DF and grief in the past year was minimised and their emotional well-being was restored and optimised so that they could go on to be well balanced adults and live a good life - which is the most rewarding part of being a parent.

To achieve this you need to be fully refreshed and restored - you can’t give what you don’t have. Prioritise your own life physical and emotional well-being and your own family life at this critical time for your DC.

Anything left you can direct to your DM and her partner.

But remember that they are a couple and they’ve got each other. They can work things out themselves. Be careful not to over support. They need to pay for services.

I would visit once every 6 weeks - during half term / school holidays and take the children with you. I would save the petrol money and divert it for a cleaner for myself or a massage etc.

There are plenty of services on and offline that can be set up to run the logistics of their lives. Let them and you other sibling take up the slack. You and your DCs childhood is most important here - we can’t be in two places at one physically or mentally so make good choices.

From personal experience I can confirm for you that it is NOT possible to provide practical care and support from two hours drive away. So your elderly relatives and you yourself need to be clear on this. Of course you can try and visit at times, and offer support by telephone, FaceTime, helpful suggestions etc, maybe one-off sorting things out.
The people who are going to need help need to consider their options. Where they live, what help/care they can buy in, what helpful local arrangements they can make use of ( deliveries of medication etc, social or lunch clubs) and what they can do for themselves eg getting handrails fitted at home, LPA, learning to do online groceries etc if they don’t have these already.